Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Naval Historians Aghast

As Titanick Rises To The Surface

In Minehead And Drops Anchor”

 

 

Sunday 17th August 2003

Result:  Lost by 68 Runs

Venue:  Minehead

35 overs

Minehead CC

242 - 5

S. Hebbes  1 - 20

FFTMCCC

174 ao

I. Howarth  60,  J. Hoskins  17

 

 

 

Startled Pensioners gathered on the Boundary in Minehead, scratching their heads in amazement as they saw the great hulk break the surface with a resounding whimper in the middle of the cricket ground. “My Uncle died on that ship, with a pet squirrel”, murmured one despondent character over his pint of Natch. The sunken beast, bearing the name upon its shoulders proceeded to settle in the field, dropped anchor and decided not to move for the rest of the afternoon. “Nothing will move that ship!” cried another spectator, “Not even a Westmoreland Brick!”

 

 

Two of the friendly locals who enjoyed our pasting.

 

Not suffering at all from running the hotel dry of Natch the night before and fielding for 75.5 overs (courtesy of Jake The Cake’s extra special deliveries) in searing Somerset heat the day before, digging balls out of urinals and catching bullets projected off moving cars, the Mad approached their first tour game with what can be said as a ‘modicum’ of enthusiasm. Fielding under the Vice Mad Captain (aka Captain Impersonator 50p) S. Dobner, the troops were roused to take to the field first after Dobner lost his first toss (50p).

 

 

M. Westmoreland opened the bowling for the Mad and henceforth the term Buffet Bowling, first mentioned the previous day, will be immortalised in the terminoMadgry. But never has a Buffet included a Brick, never until now, where in the first dramatic over opening Minehead batsman B. Hamblin tonked the Northerner clean into the Pavilion, narrowly avoiding the glasswork. So set the trend as openers filled their boots with Savouries and Sweets, getting 50 runs on the board in as many seconds. Controversially S. Dobner made a dramatic bowling change (50p) after the openers had gone for 75 and bowled the master Calypso action. B. Hamblin bowled for 52. Granted this would only have been 22 if the home umpire wasn’t scared shitless of the skip that he refused to give him run out when three foot short of his crease (bitter, me? Never)

 

 

Time out for the non-skippering, skipper.

 

Joint opener followed shortly after, by square legging a ball from Skip straight into the waiting loading bay of the Titanick, who didn’t move an inch. Wickets falling, the Mad felt they had made the breakthrough as striding to the crease came their very own Doc Mander. Easy money thought the Mad, we know how to get this nurdling nurdler out for a nurdle. Sixty-three minutes later they were proved right. After an amazing innings of pull shots, cuts and fairly straight drives Doc left the crease gleaming proudly, with 28 runs under his stethoscope.

 

 

Replacing him was someone shorter, sporting an oversized helmet who displayed the most correct cricket action I have ever seen. He’s eleven, his Christian name is Josh, and I’m not telling you his surname until I get my bet on for him to play for Somerset and England. It was this point in the match that the toils of the first two days on tour prevailed. There is no doubt about it, the Mad were abysmal in the field. The sledgers turned on their own men, and confidence sagged amongst the outfield. We knew things were bad when a black Cat appeared out of nowhere, and plodded across the field as if he was hunting mice in a meadow. An omen of how things were, rather than things to come we hoped. Only E. Lester (5-0-27-1) and S. Hebbes for his performance on the track (7-1-20-1), and also for the wittiest sledge on tour claiming his brother had dropped anchor, shone like prunes in mud, but HEY we all enjoyed it didn’t we? 242 for the loss of 5 wickets, Josh X 24 not out.

 

 

Minehead, innit.

 

S. Dobner was clearly not happy with his troops (50p), but as the Snatch flowed, as did the confidence of the talk on the Pavilion steps. “Forty more than we got against Wooton” was whispered around…”No problem, where’s the bar?”

 

I. Howarth (60) opened with The Cake (10) in admirable fashion, eyeing up the Westmoreland Brick with a glint in his eye, and although wickets fell (Titanick still barely moving with 1, Calypso 6, and Take Me Home 14), the Spamley remained, breaking through the fifty like it wasn’t there, and with his Chem Bro joining him in the middle.

 

 

Great innings Ian, but not a century, eh?

 

The Flash lived up to his nickname, flaying balls to the boundary for a quick 16. But the opposition had noticed a flaw in Accrington Spamley’s play. “Give him the twelve-year old”, the skip cried, and Howarth’s crosshairs settled on the Pavilion window. Bowling a crafty little ball, dead on the stumps (what cheek), the Spam swung, and the bails flew. It was only a matter of time before the Mad batsmen were all out after slight tail wagging by J. Hoskins (17 - run out, when clearly I should have been in as I was three foot out of my crease but I’m not bitter), and S. “Average Protection” Hebbes (13*)

 

 

A respectable batting display saw the Mad strike out to 174, retiring to a local curry house to mull the day over and fine the Debut Captain for further dubious crimes such as average protection and not living up to his nickname by not calling “Yes No Yes Bugger!”. After succumbing to a record fining, and getting fined for that, rebate was given to the Skip for having to put up with the most lackadaisical fielding display ever witnessed by Titanic survivors.

 

 

The games had begun, but could a victory be returned…….?

 

 

‘Hoskins’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

Statto's Scorecard

 

 

 

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