Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998
“Driftwood
Spoils Day of The Fennel”
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Monday 18th
August 2003 |
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Result: Lost by 6 Wkts |
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Venue: Stogumber |
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Twenty20 |
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FFTMCCC |
129 - 7 |
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I. Howarth 35,
N. Hebbes 23* |
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Stogumber |
130 - 4 |
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With the Mad team having practised their on-drives and
cover-drives to satisfaction on the golf course, and Flash having now also
found his driving head (contained in a pint of Dry Blackthorn) for the
journey to Stogumber, the team arrived ahead of the opposition, and in plenty
of time for the Fennel Brothers to get their fennel out. We shall not go into too much detail
regarding this ritual, other than to say that the erect fennel was inserted
into the pitch’s orifice, and came to predict that there would be victory for
the
J. Hotson attempts to insert a fennel in the
wicket. As captain Pugwash was still clearly suffering from Sock Avoidance
Reprimand Syndrome (SARS), acting Mad captain YesNoYes…Bugger won the toss
and elected to bat. A sign on the
road-side boundary, indicating that there should be a 15mph limit, was duly
observed by the first three batters, Take Me Home (15 off 11), Pugwash (15
off 11), and Flash (15 off 18), who all scored exactly fifteen runs
each. This was despite Pugwash
impersonating the captain impersonator by calling his name in vain (“Yes, no,
yes!”) as well as mistaking an umpire for a fielder, and Flash beginning his
innings using a piece of driftwood he had believed to be a bat.
The Mad enjoy the
views from the Stogumber pavilion. Spam (35 off 25), not known to observe limits (such as the amount of
Snatch that can be consumed in any given period of time, or the amount of
vinegar that can be poured over chips), immediately launched an attack on the
pavilion, coming close to taking out the electricity supply. Titanick (23 n.o. off 30) was also aware
(no doubt through psychic messages from the fennel) that the actual limit in
force was a bowling limit of two, and proceeded once again to drop anchor in
the first innings of a match – fortunately, this time, the one in which he
was batting.
The Mad enjoyed
the services of an Their fourth wicket partnership of 38 was particularly notable
because they had never before scored any runs whilst playing in the same
match. When it inevitably ended, there
was still time for Doc (18 off 16) to score some quick runs, YesNoYes…Bugger
(0 off 4) to notch up some fines, and Racede Latif (5 off 5) to run himself
out on the last ball of the innings, thus avoiding a fine.
A handy cameo from
Ian, but certainly not a century. Chasing 130 to win, Stogumber stuttered against
Mad opening pair Oops! (2-0-8-0) and Pugwash (2-0-10-1), with Spam taking the
catch to effect the early blow, despite having tiny hands. The next four overs saw the game swing in
Stogumber’s favour, with Spam (2-0-16-0) bowling several sugary trifles, and
Scissor Hands (2-0-22-0), failing to find the wicket-taking form that had
returned to him the previous day. They
weren’t helped by some bad luck in the field either: Take Me Home developed
an acute case of hypochondria, whilst also being threatened by a passing dog;
and YesNoYes…Bugger suddenly found himself desperately clinging to grass in
order to keep his head above tarmac, having originally intended to prevent a
four on the road-side boundary. When Take Me Home (2-0-6-1) and Flash (2-0-5-0) took to the leather,
it was decided that some new fielding positions should be tried: deep slip,
square slip, tree, fence, and tractor.
It paid off almost immediately, with Spam taking another catch, albeit
in self-defence, whilst fielding at silly tractor. Nearly eight an over was now required, but
Tea Time (2-0-26-0) could not manage fewer than two wides per over, and
although Titanick (2-1-2-2) struck twice, Stogumber were still on course.
At this stage the Mad fielders were making every
effort. Pugwash nearly fell down a
30ft ditch after casually hurdling the fence following a boundary chase. Oops! quickly recovered from a making an
otherwise textbook sliding stop in which the ball evaded him, only to crash
head first into the fence with the ball on the second attempt, straining a
shoelace. Scissor Hands recovered in
milliseconds from dropping a catch at short tree to turn and hurl down the stumps
at the bowlers end, with YesNoYes…Bugger steaming in from mid tree to take
the throw, travelling at such pace that he needed to scissor-jump the stumps
to avoid impaling himself. Racede
Latif (0 byes) was by now chuckling almost continuously.
Doc (1.5-0-29-0) insisted he should bowl from the 30ft-ditch end
(presumably because the slight slope should aid his run-up), but was hit for
two consecutive sixes in the single last ball of his first over. With the fennel-predicted victory having
all but slipped away, and Madness ticking inside, YesNoYes…Bugger (1-0-6-0)
proceeded to bowl a series of bodyline blancmanges in diminishing light,
apparently in the hope that bad light should stop play on grounds of
safety. It didn’t. As the sun set in the next over, the
winning runs, fittingly, came with a boundary. Nobody bothered to look for the ball this
time.
The sun sets over
the ground. The fennel had been wrong.
Flash hit himself in the head with a football, before he and Pugwash
‘took care’ of the fennel using the driftwood. Meanwhile, having realised that one of the
opposition was known not only to the Mad patron (from a certain pub in
The fennel’s condition was later reported to be stable. Jake ‘The Cake’ |
*