Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Jude Warriors Lose Their Souls
And The Game”
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Sunday 5th
August 2001 |
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Result: Lost by 15 Runs |
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Venue: |
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35 overs |
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121 ao |
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J. Hotson 5 - 28,
A. Mann 2 - 17 |
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Jude The Obscure |
106 ao |
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A. Fisher 32,
E. Lester 24, A. Mann
20 |
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Sophisticated and civilised
hearts must today go out to the Jude, an obscure Oxfordshire tribe which,
when faced recently with modern technology for the first time, succumbed to
both its promise and its failings. In truth little is known of the Jude, except that they
are often to be seen congregating in that region called Jericho, where they
spend much of their time drinking intoxicating beverages brewed from grain
and hops. (If their subsequent antics are anything to go by, these natives
are clearly unaccustomed to strong drink). Oddly, the entire tribe seems to
be male, with the exception of a single female member, who at the time of
writing was observed to be pregnant, although by all accounts this was not by
any Jude tribesman. Such are the idiosyncrasies of tribal life, also numbered
among which is the Jude’s fervent, almost religious devotion to a game called
‘cricket’.
A member of one “tribe” looks out at the
other “tribe”. The strength and intensity
of this devotion can be seen in certain behaviours prevalent in day-to-day
tribal life - many of the Jude apparently think of nothing else, talk of
nothing else, and know of nothing else, so that any conversation among them
will eventually come round to this strange game with its convoluted rules. Indeed, on Sunday the 5th
of August, anthropologists observed the Jude meeting another local tribe -
the Marlborough - on a local grass field where a lengthy strip had been dried
and compacted so as to make a kind of throwing alley where the two tribes
could undertake their customary ‘cricket’ battle, with the prize for the
winners being an evening of gulping down strong brewed drinks, and the prize
for the losers apparently being identical. Both tribes had dressed for the
game in ritual white, and some who wielded large wooden clubs wore strange
armoured garments to protect their legs and hands. The Jude had the better of
the first part of the contest, with many of their tribesmen prancing in odd
celebrations, and at the end of the ‘innings’, the Jude came off in high
spirits, ready for a mid-afternoon feast. Then, disaster struck. Apparently
one of the hidden observers had by mistake left a camera out in the open, and
the Jude witch doctor, or ‘mander’, came upon it and, with a native’s bald
curiosity, poked and prodded at the machine until he had worked out how to
use it. He proceeded then to take a picture of the tribe - including one
lank-haired fellow who had performed especially well in the ‘cricket’, and
was seen to be holding aloft the red spherical throwing implement that is
used in the game, and who was repeatedly called ‘The Jake’. (It is hoped that
the role of ‘The Jake’ in a game of ‘cricket’ can be further explored at a
later time). But after the ‘mander’ had taken the photo, there were
mutterings among his brethren: some feared that their souls had been stolen
by the strange device, some that it had somehow sapped their energies, and
some that the ‘mander’ himself was casting a spell upon them. A gloom quickly
descended among them and, strange to relate, when the two tribes came out to
do battle again after the feasting time, it was the Marlborough who now held
sway, and were finally victorious, which naturally led to a great deal of whooping
and shouting on their part. Last seen, the Jude were once again
disappearing into the wilds of
Pembroke
clubhouse hiding under the oak tree. With the two previous
encounters between these teams yielding a win apiece, the importance of this
game to Jude the Obscure was reflected in the urgency and celerity with which
founding father E. Lester took the reins in the absence of stalwart club
captain L. Phillips. A fielding masterclass from A. Fisher added the final
touch to pre-match preparations, and it was with a jaunt in their step and a
gleam in their eye that the Jude took the field. Doubts lay only in the
strength of the Jude’s bowling: with H. Jones away on the set of his latest
film, and L. Davie and P. Drake also otherwise engaged, the cupboard was
looking bare. Captain E. Lester had already renounced his all-rounder status
to concentrate on his batting, and tweaker A. Fisher had been called upon to
deputise for injured wicketkeeper M. Bullock, who was spending a rare day in
the outfield. The attack, though, soon
proved stronger than it had seemed. J. Mander found a tight line, and A. Mann
(2-17) made inroads into the top order. T. Smith looked useful in his first
outing with the ball for The Jude, but the surprise packet was J. Hotson, who
in taking 5-28 skittled the Marlborough middle order, four of them clean
bowled, in a hypnotising display of length and line that sent scorer R.
Lester and the watching crowd into a frenzy. It was left to B. Mander to take
the last wicket and end what must have been a disappointing innings for The T. Mander took a team photo
during the tea break, after which there were several frowns and murmured
doubts. In light of the Jude’s subsequent abject batting display, perhaps the
camera had indeed stolen the vitality from the Jude XI. Opener T. Mander went
early, but A. Mann (20) kept the fierce and cunning As so often this year, it
had been tantalisingly near for the Jude, yet tantalisingly far.
Tantalisingly, they returned to the pub, where they drank tantalisingly until
it was time to go tantalisingly home. There will be other matches for the Jude, and the chance of other close
defeats, but this game surely must go down as the one that got away - or was
it perhaps, stolen away, through the lens of a camera, at the tea-time break? ‘Blocker’ |
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