Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Mad Embroiled In

Olympic Drug Test Controversy

As Dorchester Cruise To Victory”

Sunday 15^th August 2004
Result: Lost by 5 Wkts
Venue: Dorchester-on-Thames
Declaration
FFTMCCC	85 ao
D. Edwards 18
Dorchester-on-Thames	87 - 5
M. Westmoreland 3 - 24, A. Mann 2 - 26

The tight-knit world of pub cricket was rocked yesterday as word leaked out from unnamed sources that Far From The MCC had become embroiled in a drug testing scandal, which threatened their game against Dorchester. When quizzed about it on the morning of the match, Mad captain J. Hoskins said that neither he nor the team had anything to hide. “Look, this whole thing has been twisted out of context, proportion, and shape,” said Hoskins. “A few of lads decided to stage a test to see how many different kinds of drugs they could take in a twelve hour period, and if it would stop them functioning within the broad parameters of customary human behaviour the next day. Uppers, downers, siders, backers, furthers, beanies, meanies, greenies, Chinese lanterns, dhoosras, googlies and bouncers, the guys took them all then stayed up all night complaining about the giant spiders that had crashed the party and attached themselves to the backs of their necks. But by and large, next day they were right as rain. They actually passed the drugs test with flying colours, so what’s the problem?”

The pitch at Dorchester is almost as bad as that at Cholsey.

It was a chastened Mad team which showed up at the picturesque Dorchester cricket ground after their previous week’s sound beating by the Wootton & Bladon XI, but there was a quiet determination amongst the Madsters to put in a stronger showing and make amends for that woeful display. News came in late that J. Hoston, looking less like a 1930s jazz singer every week, had lost his keys and would therefore be unable either to leave the house or come to the game, but the Mad ranks had been bolstered by the addition of newcomer D. Edwards and his hat, both regulars with the reviled Marlborough House, and expectations were fair to middling. Once captain J. Hoskins had returned to the picturesque Dorchester ground after retrieving A. Morley, currently living under a pile of wood in the back garden of his uncle’s house in Abingdon, the coin was tossed and the Mad asked themselves to bat.

The pitch at the picturesque Dorchester cricket ground was a green and undulating affair not unlike the light rough at Sandwich, and in any case had been used the previous day in a league match in which two totals under 100 had been registered. In addition, a number of small ferrety creatures which the roller hadn’t managed to crush were occasionally observed popping their heads up through tiny holes in the surface. But whatever the truth about the ferrety things and “the sky, man, the sky, just look at the freaking sky have you ever seen anything so beautiful”, the pitch was a bowler’s minefield of sleepy hollows and bare-arsed patches waiting for skid.

Undaunted, Mad’s batsman I. Howarth strode to the crease with a sticker on the back of his bat reading “I love you all, and I have just seen God” and proceeded to hit an elegant 13 before L. Jack (4-8) rattled his stumps out of the ground. From there, downhill it all went. Punctuating the duck eggs of G. Bridges, M. Westmoreland, A. Morley and A. Mann, S. Dobner hung about opening to score 5 and T. Smith (8) did relatively well. Only A. Fisher (10) and in particular D. Edwards (18) seemed to get to grips with the vagaries of the ferret warren, although J. Hoskins (2 n.o.) survived well until the end, watching as B. Manderspam (14) clubbed a few fours to round it all off. The fact that seven of the ten Mad wickets fell clean bowled says a lot about something, although it’s difficult to say exactly what without being abusive, and in any case, there may well be no substance to the rumours. Is this then merely another sad case of substance abuse?

Can anyone see a groundsman?

The Mad had fallen some way short of being able to make a declaration, and defending 85 was always going to be problematic, but as the Mad outfielders prowled the covers looking for magic mushrooms, the attack made quick inroads into the Dorchester order. M. Westmoreland (8-2-24-3) and A. Mann (13.1-4-26-2) soon had the home team in trouble at 22-5, taking wickets which some might have considered fortunate but which the bowlers themselves knew were no more than fitting payback for all the times bastard umpires had turned down their rightful appeals and selfish batsman had French cut their best deliveries for four. It was all looking peachy and pert, but then Dorchester took it upon themselves to batten down the hatches and forsake runs for preservation. J. Hoskins (5-0-18-0) continued to enhance his reputation with his mesmerising slow stuff, and S. Dobner (3-0-3-0) was on the spot from the off. T. Smith (2-1-2-0) was likewise high on economy, while D. Edwards (4-0-9-0) threw everything at the batsmen except his arms, which somehow remained attached to his body at the end of his maelstrom of a run-up. To no avail. No more wickets fell, nary a chance was offered up. Scoring at hardly more than two an over, L. Belcher (35 n.o.) and I. Phillips (24 n.o.) eked their way to an agonizing victory as the Mad attack tired in the humid yet picturesque evening.

As the last blow was clattered to the boundary and the target was reached, it all felt kind of crap. Even those among the Mad who had conversed at length on the previous evening with the Universal Oneness seemed flat and uninspired, for when they had awoken the next morning from their dreamless slumber, the wise words of the Godhead, which had imparted to them the meaning of all things, had flown like so much ash on the wind, and all that remained was the knowledge that they had seen the truth of it all, and not the truth itself. Well, that’s how it used to be for me, anyhow. Bummer, dudes.

‘Blocker’

*

Statto's Scorecard

MOTM: no notes cast

Champagne Moment: not awarded, due to despondency

Buffet Award: J. Hoskins’ apple turnover with Ambrosia custard

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