Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“The Doc Is Left Stranded

As The Mad Forget How To Bat”

Sunday 29^nd August 2004
Result: Lost by 114 Runs
Venue: Cholsey
35 overs
Cholsey	177 - 9
M. Westmoreland 2 - 8
FFTMCCC	63 ao
T. Mander 13*

There are many beautiful cricket grounds in the world that can boast scenic backgrounds and intricate wooden pavilions, but Cholsey isn’t one of them. Oh, no. Situated miles away from any parking areas, this windswept little ground which adjoins a rugged football field, also comes dressed with a thousand clumps of grass left strewn around it’s outfield. But surely the centrepiece of the attraction has to be a soft pudding of a batting track which looks like it has been stampeded on by a legion of Roman soldiers.

After the 37 mile walk to the ground, the tired and emaciated players of the Madding Crowd cricket team unpacked their whites in a sports pavilion with no showers, and very little else – in fact it looked like the local gypsies had stolen in and cleared the place of any merchandise or artefacts that may have caused any interest. The nice blank wooden décor went well with the garish white paint to leave you with the impression you were in a doctor’s surgery. However, the pleasant banter with the arriving Cholsey outfit reminded the players it was indeed a cricket match, and that an appointment to see a nurse or doctor wasn’t required.

* * *

Baghdad’s main airstrip doubles as a cricket wicket.

Acting skipper for the day, Mr. Hoskins, wandered out to the middle with his Cholsey counterpart and watched as a coin was flipped in the air. It splatted on the mud of the pitch, and to his surprise, Cholsey elected to bat first. Maybe they knew something about the art of cricket on paddy fields? Hmmm.

The game got underway with the Mad restricted to just 10 players, as S. Hebbes had elected not to make the 64 mile walk to the ground. This didn’t seem to matter too much, as the Cholsey batsmen regularly looked to smack the ball out of the ground so fielders weren’t really an issue – other than fetching the ball from a river or distant parts of the football field. M. Westmoreland pouched a goodie off the bowling of Welsh import D. Jones (7-1-36-1) to restrict the Cholsey batting line up, whilst the skipper bowled tidily (7-0-26-1) accounting for the aggressive A. Chapman. At the other end, the dependable A. Mann managed an lbw decision in returning his usual economical figures of 7-2-16-1.

Whilst wickets fell at one end, Cholsey opener J Gilbert nudged and flicked his way to a deserved half-century. And despite the efforts of A. Fisher (5-1-32-1) and T. Smith (3-0-27-1), it was the introduction of Cholsey all-rounder J. Wilcox which saw the home side up the run rate. His swishing blade left T. Mander (3-0-29-1) nursing a bruising, and only a comical run out prevented the Mad from any more punishment as Wilcox retreated to the pavilion for a quick fire 42. M. Westmoreland was thrown the ball at the death, and to everyone’s delight he wrapped the innings up with successive balls to finish with figures of 1.3-0-8-2. Martin was on a hat-trick, and Cholsey opener J. Gilbert was left high and dry on 63 not out as his team posted 177.

Tea.

Cholsey always serve up a varied cricket tea.

And what a super selection of buffet on offer - there was everything a cheese connoisseur could ever want. There was Edam cheese, Lancashire cheese, cheddar cheese, matured cheddar cheese, Irish extra mature cheese, Canadian extra extra mature cheese, and er... other cheeses too. So that’s a lot of cheese then? Alas, the communication regarding who was preparing what for the Sunday match clearly failed to work, as the Cholsey players all prepared… cheese. Fortunately cheese is a vegetarian aperitif so at least everyone could tuck in. Though the collective breath of the players afterwards was rather strong.

After finishing the varied diet on offer, fellow northerners, I. Howarth and M. Westmoreland slapped on the pads and wandered out to front the Mad reply. Not withstanding the fact the track was extremely slow, Howarth played an hour too soon, and watched the ball sail into the air to a grateful pair of hands at mid off – caught for 5 and the Mad were 12 for 1. He wandered back to a hushed pavilion and disappeared inside the changing rooms to collect his thoughts. From where he sat he could hear a brief ripple of applause, a few claps, and a minute later, a sizeable groan. The door to the changing rooms then opened and in walked his opening partner, M. Westmoreland (8). “Out already?” enquired Howarth. “Aye, f*cking bowled – waste o’ time.”

Now, over the years the Mad have suffered some pretty dramatic slumps, but the one today could stand shoulder to shoulder with the worst of any of them. Without the addition of a single run, the opening pair sat transfixed as first T. Smith (golden duck) returned to the changing rooms, followed by G. Bridges (golden duck), A. Fisher (5), and lastly D. Jones (duck). And during this carnage, Cholsey speedster J. Wilcox bagged himself a hat-trick.

24-1.

24-2.

24-3.

24-4.

24-5.

24-6.

Even with a tradition of spectacular collapses, this one took the urine. However, things did improve marginally over next few overs as A. Mann didn’t quite reach four and was instead out for 3, and M Bullock swished heartily for a merry 6. By the time J. Hoskins (5) arrived at the crease sporting a pair of reflective sunglasses, the head of the beast had pretty much been hacked off. As it was, T. Mander (13*) gave some minor respectability to an otherwise pitiful score, before the skipper’s feet got stuck in concrete resulting in damage to his woodwork.

Defeat by 114 runs, and if this performance was the remnants of a spiky tour hangover, then please god let it be the last. In summation, the Mad were truly bloody awful.

‘Spam’

*

Statto's Scorecard

MOTM: T. Mander for registering the only double figure score of the Mad innings!!

Champagne Moment: A. Fisher for his “athletic” run out

Buffet Award: T. Mander for one seriously painful over

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