Far From The
MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“New Sleep Study Shocks Scientific World
As Mad Put An End To OUP Domination”
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Sunday 23rd May
2004 |
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Result: Won by 44 runs |
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Venue: Jordan Hill |
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35 overs |
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FFTMCCC |
174 - 8 |
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I. Howarth 52,
N. Hebbes 38 |
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130 ao |
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N. Hebbes 4 - 17 |
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In surprising news today, boffins the world over have
turned their furrowed brows in the direction of the drowsy English midlands
town of Oxford, where the results of a new sleep deprivation study are
sending shockwaves through the scientific hierarchy and threatening to
overturn the accepted wisdom concerning sleep and its function in the brain.
Said Professor J. Obscure of the Oxford University Department of Napping and
Dozing, “What we’ve seen here is nothing short of remarkable. We sent two
healthy young men out on a Saturday evening with £150-00 in their pockets
under instructions to drink as much as they could for as long as possible and
actively pursue cheap women for as long as they were able to focus more than
twelve inches in front of their faces. Furthermore, we requested that on
arriving home, having struck out on the woman front due to their total and
utter inebriation, they stay awake until 8.00 the next morning, and then,
that they sleep in their rumpled and stinky clothes with the rumpled stinky
cat on the back lawn for a period of no longer than two hours. From 10 a.m.
on the Sunday, we studied their behaviour to see what effect this lack of
sleep might have on them. The result? The two young chaps appeared normal in
all respects, being able to compete at a high level for a local cricket team,
one as opening batsmen, the other as captain, and then carry on drinking
afterwards as though they’d both been to bed at 8.30 the previous evening!
This must surely prove once and for all that heavy drinking and lack of sleep
are beneficial in all respects under all conditions. My thanks go to the two
young men involved, this is bound to lead to at least a Nobel Prize for me
and maybe some cheap degrading sex in a motel room please don’t tell my wife
I said that. Unless of course it’s her I have the cheap and degrading sex
with.” It was a long time since the Mad had beaten OUP, so long in fact that
it had never happened. Four or five games over the years had seen one or two
close affairs and a couple of drubbings, but each time it had been OUP
victorious, which meant the Mad had two battles to win on the field at Jordan
Hill: one on the field (at Jordan Hill), the other in the mind. If they were
good enough, then winning the latter would see them victorious in the former,
but were the latter to be lost, then no matter good enough or bad, the former
would not be won. You see how that works?
A tired Nursing a hangover the size of an extremely large bowl of baked
beans, two sausages, two rashers of bacon and a slice of toast, implacable
Mad captain J. Hoskins won the toss with his usual aplomb and chose to bat on
the hard and fast Jordan Hill track. Not so much nursing as admitting to the
ICU of the John Radcliffe his own frankly fluck-off massive hangover hardly at all alleviated by
eight cans of Coke and the smallest pair of hands in cricketing history, Mad’s premier batsman I. Howarth took the field with new
opening partner J. Hotson, who much to admiration of all was looking more and
more like a 1970s pop star every day. As usual Hotson achieved that delicate
balance of being last to the game but still on time, and it was also no
surprise when, in a carbon-copy of the previous week’s unique opening stand,
the pair put on a defiant yet insouciant 73, with Howarth contributing only
52 between naps at the crease while Hotson chipped in with a methodically
pleasing 6. T. Smith (7) in his first outing of the season, and appearing
refreshed and chipper after retiring to bed at 8.30 the previous evening in
stark contrast etc etc, went early looking to score
a home run, but then N. Hebbes quite possibly ran Hotson out to bring to an
end his sheet anchor role, although in such situations with so many variables
at work can blame ever be properly apportioned when the guilty party won’t
own up? H. Jones, making a welcome return to the Mad after several years in
the wilderness, went to an unwelcome third ball for a duck, after which G.
Bridges also departed for a less-than-welcome 1. That left N. Hebbes (38) to
impress with some fine stroke play as he steadied the rocking ship with the
elegant J. Harris (7), also in his first innings of the season. S. Dobner’s unfortunate departure for a single saw M.
Bullock waiting at the other end yet to score, and with 137 on the board and
only two wickets left, a promising start was slipping towards no more than a
total well within the range of the strong OUP line-up. But batting at nine
and ten, Bullock (16 n.o.) and A. Mann (18 n.o) were having none of it, no sir. Some stray bowling
on leg saw Mann break his personal record of sixes by hitting one, and
Bullock hoiked the OUP captain back over his head
for successive boundaries as he once again reproduced the violent and
dismissive form so often shown in the nets. In the process, the Mad record
for the 9th wicket was broken, and a defendable target set.
Jordan Hill clubhouse under rich blue
skies. In the field, the Mad looked sharp. Sleepy, but sharp. There was no
collapse by OUP, just a series of promising partnerships broken at regular
intervals by good pressure and better fielding. Bowling with what looked,
felt and soon cracked like a toffee apple, A. Mann (1-13) still contrived to
break through early, then Ding-dong, the witch is dead. Sometimes, believing in self-belief is the hardest thing to do,
believe me, but I believe it can be done. And now, so do OUP. ‘Blocker’
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MOTM: N. Hebbes
(38 and 4-17)
Champagne Moment: Catch at gully by
Buffet Award: J. Harris’
treacle tarts and syrup