Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Injuries Hit No-Mad Try

For Tour Triumph ”

 

 

Tuesday 2nd August 2005

Result:  Lost by 1 Wkt

Venue:  Watchet, Somerset

35 overs

FFTMCC

162 - 8

I. Howarth  55,  D. Edwards  22

Watchet

163 - 9

J. Harris  3 - 22,  A. Mann  2 - 8

 

 

 

Injuries? We had a few.

           

Most prominent among the wounded that day was FFTMCC club captain J. Hoskins, who was suffering from painful and debilitating tendonitis of the ankle due to excessive sandal wearing. Hoskins, who had not long recovered from the horrific dancing injury which threatened at several points to end his dancing career before time, had unwisely been wearing sandals willy-nilly for the last few weeks with complete disregard for the dangers involved, and had paid the price. He could hardly walk. As for M. Westmoreland, the tour had been too much for him, and he had suffered a reoccurrence of the nasty shoulder injury first sustained two years previously while skipping stones at the seaside in a careless and irresponsible manner.

 

 

Openers J. Hotson and M. Clarke make their way to the middle.

 

Erstwhile tour skipper and amateur vagrant J. Hotson seemed perfectly normal, but was in fact temporarily blind due to the consumption of twenty-six pints of cider and Guinness that morning. Suspected hat thief D. Edwards had been fit and well until that day, when he had been viciously mauled by the rabid black Labrador which had somehow found its way into his hotel room. I. Howarth had been diagnosed with total meltdown of the digestive system due to the reckless consumption of a Scotch Bonnet pizza. A search party had been sent out the previous night to look for his intestines, to no avail.

 

S. Dobner and J. Harris were both complaining of bad cases of ‘marriage gut’, the excessive expansion of the waistline caused by recent nuptials and the effects of domestic bliss. (Among other things – gammy knee, toenail blight, stiff neck etc – A. Mann has suffered from ‘marriage gut’ for some time, a condition thought by some to be incurable. Indeed some of the team appear to suffer from ‘marriage gut’ despite being single).

 

 

T. Smith’s campervan would double as an excellent scoreboard for the day.

 

T. Smith was carrying an injury after being hit by several skittles during a ‘friendly’ game in Dunster the previous Saturday, and both he and M. Clarke were showing the early signs of pikanthropy, a rare condition in which, after buying a campervan and driving down to Somerset, the victim begins by degrees to resemble a pikey, especially on the full moon.

 

M. Bullock was so ill due to a bad case of TVR that he was unable to attend the game at all and had to be towed back to Oxford. And as for N. Hebbes, he was suffering from ‘captaincy’, a devastating condition which can make even the most carefree and optimistic individual seem overly pessimistic and thoughtful.

 

The Watchet lads were all twelve years old and six foot six tall. Many of them already had children of their own who would be playing the game themselves in a year or two, but in the mean time they contented themselves with bowling at 80 miles per hour on the rock-hard Watchet pitch. One small lad of six who had never bowled spin before decided to try it that day and without trouble turned it square landing on a sixpence. Yet, batting first, and despite their injuries, the Mad acquitted themselves with great resolve. Though M. Clarke (2) and J. Hotson (6) went early, D. Edwards (22) steadied the ship with his usual contained and thoughtful play before being run out. Once he had seen off the young and dangerous quicks, I. Howarth (55) played with his usual grace and freedom in top-scoring. Both N. Hebbes (17) and M. Westmoreland (14) made more than valuable contributions, while S. Dobner’s (2) run of bad luck continued. As did that of T. Smith (4). J. Harris (4 n.o.) and A. Mann (1 n.o.) did all they could to protect their averages whilst pretending to play with the interests of the team at heart.

 

 

Edwards (left) would take it really well when I. Howarth ran him out.

 

To start with, 162 seemed a reasonable total to defend, but it was soon looking enormous as Watchet slumped to 50-5 with half the overs gone. A. Mann (5-3-8-2) enjoyed bowling to the left-handers, while J. Harris (5-0-22-3) enjoyed bowling to anyone who felt like hitting his full bungers to square leg. Throw in a confused Watchet run-out, and the No-Mad were right on top. But while coach and captain E. Martin (57) remained at the crease to shepherd his young charges, Watchet were always in with a chance.

 

T. Smith (5-0-31-0) had a rare but useful outing with the ball, as did J. Hotson (1-0-7-1). D. Edwards (5-0-16-1) tried every ploy in the book to dislodge the stubborn Watchet middle order, and the same could be said for the ever-scheming J. Hoskins (5-0-15-0). But, even though wickets fell and it was anyone’s game until the last, Watchet would not be denied. Coming on at the death, Mad skipper N. Hebbes (2-0-11-0) could do nothing to stop the final pair hitting the winning runs – especially seeing his final over was shite.

 

 

The sum of the numbers on the campervan would curiously equal its value.

 

* * *

 

No excuses. Even as the Mad limped from the field, their last tour of West Somerset all but over, they knew they had been beaten by a good team of young and healthy lads who had another twenty years to go before they finished up a bunch of pissed old crocks who nonetheless loved cricket and all it stood, or fell down, for.

 

 

‘Blocker’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

Statto's Scorecard

No Fines on this day

 

 

Men OTM:  I. Howarth’s 55 and J. Harris’s 3-22

Champagne Moment:  no votes cast

Buffet Award:  T. Smith’s vegetarian sausages

 

 

 

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