Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Jackson Sprints To Maiden Ton”

 

 

Sunday 28th August 2005

Result:  Lost by 54 Runs

Venue:  Pembroke College Sports Ground

40 overs

Cholsey

239 - 7

A. Mann  3 - 39

FFTMCC

185 - 7

S. Dobner  54,  N. Hebbes  37,  G. Carter  29

 

 

 

In the past, especially when formerly known as Jude the Obscure, the No-Mad have tinkered with the customs, if not the laws of the game, occasionally to their advantage. Few will forget the “Ball of Victory” photograph, taken before ignominious defeat. Back in the last century, 1999 to be precise, then-captain A. Mann instigated the Nine Man theory, whether by cunning design or by the fact there were only nine people available to play on a sunny afternoon at Marcham. Three of Mann’s nine were debutants, but a comprehensive victory was achieved, and the Nine-Man theory became stuff of legends.

 

 

A. Mann instigated Nine Man theory.

 

In more recent times, even international cricket has been under the purist’s microscope. Having investigated the Nine Man theory of yesteryear, and presumably the huge American Football-esque squad rotation system of Sven Joran Eriksson – which has been put to “good use” in several friendly internationals, our governors the ICC have opted not for a nine man game but for twelve, whereby the twelfth man, previously merely a porter of sweaters and drinks, can now take his place in the field in place of a batsman, who is either too knackered to field, or is just plain crap at it.

 

Not wishing to be usurped in the field of invention, current No-Mad captain J. Hoskins duly came up with a cunning plan to beat the Cholsey cheese boys.

 

 

N. Hebbes gets a large boot in the head at pre-match nets.

 

The initial approach was conventional in the extreme. It was a game of ten a side, which is slightly unconventional, I suppose, but the fact that the No-Mad had as many players as the opposition rendered the numerical game a little irrelevant. Had it not been for P. Jackson, then the numbers involved in the game as a whole would have been significantly lower all round. Jackson raced to his fifty after Nine-Man theorist A. Mann had taken early wickets, and by the time S. Dobner, I. Howarth and T. Smith had rattled the middle order, word circulated across the globe’s newswires that Jackson was close to his maiden century.

 

Not wishing to miss this spectacle, Mr Jackson (senior) and his wife arrived at the Pembroke ground having travelled from Tunbridge Wells by hovercraft, and they were in time to see their son strike successive boundaries of A. Mann (3-39) to reach his maiden ton, make it to 105, and then be bowled, all within the space of three balls. He received a standing ovation. The lower order spluttered on for another two overs or so, distracted by jubilant celebrations on the boundary, but the total was stretched to 239-7 off an exhausting 40 overs.

 

 

Spot Kev’s famous egg-mayonnaise sandwiches.

 

Over egg sandwiches, captain J. Hoskins hatched a cunning plan. Only the previous evening, whilst preparing for the game under the curfew of no sex and no alcohol, the skipper had chanced upon Agatha Christie’s “Ten Little Indians”, where one by one the ten men disappear, and had also had the chance to review the legendary Australian physician, Dr Ricky P. Onting’s twelfth man dissertation, in which he argues against the use of the twelve man theory, even if all of your bowlers have weak bladders and dodgy shoulders and have to be replaced by a Jonty Rhodes clone after every bowling spell. Apparently, despite some rich language, the Doctor was not at all bitter.

 

And so Hoskins came up with an idea, and set about foxing the Cholsey boys with some intriguing tactics, preferring the Christie plan to that of Ponting or the ICC. I. Howarth batted first, and departed for nine. Once out, and before he could shower, he was dispatched from the ground. And then there were nine.

 

 

N. Hebbes lays a solid foundation for the No-Mad.

 

G. Carter (29) joined N. Hebbes (37) and they added some runs, and when S. Dobner scored freely on his way to 54, the target looked well within reach. The King of Moo, M. Westmoreland, was dropped down the order for the King of Spin M. Bullock to have a knock (27*), but at the other end T. Smith (2) and J. Hotson (4) fell cheaply, and then A. Mann fell in the style of the great Australian doctor, taking a quick single to by far the best fielder on the park. Silly boy. At this point, Hoskins sent M. Westmoreland home so that he couldn’t bat, apparently as part of the overall plan. And then there were eight.

 

Hoskins himself took to the field to bash a quickfire nine, and in the process (and very openly) protect his average, and when 71 runs were required with two overs left, all looked lost. Which was mostly true. Everything wasn’t lost but the game was; the No-Mad eventually fell 54 runs short.

 

 

The Cholsey innings would prove a daunting total for the No-Mad to chase.

 

* * *

 

Reflecting on the diminishing team theory after the team’s last game of the season at Pembroke, captain J. Hoskins was uncharacteristically quiet. Only three players had made it to the pub as part of the plan, and the atmosphere was strangely end-of-term muted, and even the fines committee failed to function. Hoskins himself put the time to good use negotiating the use of the Cholsey track for the following week’s fixture, and when G. Carter left, I sat alone at the table, for a few minutes at least.

 

And then there were none.

 

 

‘Beer Matt’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

Statto's Scorecard

No Fines on this day

 

 

MOTM:  no votes cast

Champagne Moment:  no votes cast

Buffet Award:  J. Hotson’s blackcurrant cheesecake

 

 

 

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