Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“No-Mad Fired Up
For The Return of The Fat”
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Sunday 17th
July 2005 |
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Result: Won by 20 Runs |
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Venue: |
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35 overs |
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FFTMCC |
130 - 9 |
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A. Mann 38*,
M. Bullock 15 |
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Wootton &
Bladon |
110 - 9 |
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J. Hoskins 3 - 22,
N. Hebbes 2 - 4 |
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On the occasion of
Australia’s first test series win in England back in 1882, the Sporting Times
ran a moving obituary “in affectionate remembrance English cricket”,
announcing that it had “died at the Oval on 29th August, and that the body
will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.” England travelled that
winter to seek revenge, and in the spring of the following year, to mark the
occasion of their 2-1 series victory, the
The ashes of J.
Hoskin’s fence are kept in an urn. How fitting then,
that just days away from the latest England-Australia test series, and on the
eve of no less a clash of cricketing giants, the No-Mad themselves had a
ceremonial burning of wood that too might go down in the annals of history, or
at least Mad folklore. Forbidden to burn bails following the great bail
shortage that struck the club in the winter of 2004, the resourceful S.
Dobner sought an alternative, renewable source of timber for the No-Mad fire,
and thus it was that a substantial part of skipper J. Hoskins’ garden fence
was consumed in an inferno that could be seen illuminating the night sky from
as far afield as Cutteslowe and Upper Wolvercote. Fortunately, fire-fighting
skills were on hand, and Devon-bound T. Smith found time away from his beer
to douse both the flames and his fellow partygoers before the whole Hoskins
estate could be destroyed. The only casualties of the fire reported in the Sunday
People were two mobile phones and Jake’s trousers, the latter yet another
item of personal property he has been relieved of during the past few weeks.
A spokeswoman for the Fire Investigation Team (FIT) commented, “We are still
investigating the cause of this fire, and are following up reports that a
number of stolen hats were used as kindling for the blaze. I have personally
taken responsibility for keeping the key suspects under observation to
further my enquiry, though it appears somebody is watching me, too. Anyone
for tennis?”
J. Hoskin’s
house was burnt down to keep the revellers warm at his BBQ. The opposition on
the Sunday immediately following the fire were Wootton and Bladon C.C, a
fixture usually hot on sledging and general goading. It is hoped that the
ashes of J. Hoskins’ fence might one day be deposited is an exceptionally
round urn, and used as a trophy to be contested by these two cricketing
heavyweights. As it was, six of
the pyro-technicians were in the starting line up, and were joined by A.
Mann, J. Harris, M. Westmoreland, A. Morley and the returning M. Bullock. It
was a real scorcher at the home of cricket, Pembroke, and all on the No-Mad
side were mightily relieved when expert tosser J. Hoskins announced another
success, and that the No-Mad were to bat.
A typical
distraction at Pembroke. Play was delayed by
the intervention of the hole inspector, who had discovered a huge crater at
the bowling crease at the far end of the ground, and insisted it was filled
before a ball was bowled. For the second time in twenty-four hours, water was
called for, and J. Hotson supplied a bucket full, which, when mixed with
grass cuttings and sawdust, made a repair adequate for the game to commence,
though this combination is in no way recommended by the Institute of
Structural Engineers, very much as they do not condone the use of two plastic
chairs and a cricket stump to support a scoreboard. The Wootton side
lacked a few regulars, and it was a blend of youth and paunch that trudged
out into the afternoon heat to face the No-Mad onslaught. Bateman (2-27) and
Stone (3-30) took the new ball, and after a steady start, N. Hebbes (11) was
adjudged leg before, prompting a mini collapse that
M. Bullock cover
drives after an early No-Mad batting collapse. It made painful
viewing, and for a while, the attention of the watching No-Mad players, and a
number of the fielding side, was diverted to the tennis courts, where the FIT
investigator was involved in a gruelling match, and for a few moments the
batting crisis was forgotten. On the pitch and unnoticed by the crowd, M.
Bullock (15) and M. Westmoreland (12) steadied the ship, with the ‘keeper
mixing a few lusty swipes with some tactical edges, and Moo-boy exploiting
gaps on the deep mid wicket boundary, and the score recovered to 38 before Westmoreland
mistimed a shot into the hands of a grateful fielder. J. Harris (10) departed
soon after in similar fashion. Step to the crease A. Mann, an Aussie who
always relishes a battle, and ‘Blocker’ settled down to play a composed,
undefeated knock of 38, thanks to numerous breaks for cold drinks and
replacement gloves, and excellent support from J. Hotson (12) and A. Morley
(5). These valuable partnerships saw the No-Mad through to a score of 130-9,
a total that at one stage had looked beyond them. However, A. Morley’s
last-ball dismissal clearly angered his skipper J. Hoskins, who threw down
his gloves, bat and then pads in rage in a toys-out-the-pram incident of the
highest order, not because A. Morley had lost his wicket, but because, once
again, the scorebook would read “J. Hoskins (c) – dnb”.
The No-Mad were
indebted to A. Mann’s knock to post a total. Tea. The No-Mad players,
no doubt ravenous from their previous night’s exploits, descended like
vultures onto Kev’s sandwiches, and in double quick time, the spread was
consumed. Especially popular were the new brand of chicken and sweetcorn
(triangular), which proved more popular than the customary ham and tomato
(square), even prompting the exhausted A. Mann to help himself to couple to
add to the mountain of other varieties already overloading his plate. Shortly
after this exertion, Ant was heard to declare: “Strewth, it’s far to hot to
eat!”, and thus his personal sandwich mountain went uneaten, the only items
to escape the hungry throng. Having won easily in
the tea-eating stakes, the No-mad eagerly took to the parched field in the
early-evening heat, eager to wrap up the game and return to the pub. M.
Westmoreland (7-0-32-1) and J. Hoskins took the scuffed new ball, the former
generating swing and movement, and quite a few runs, before he finally
trapped J. Poole with a pearler that pitched on leg and clipped off. Hoskins’
accuracy claimed the top three of Wootton’s batsmen (7-0-22-3), all of which
were celebrated with a passionate celebration befitting a McGrath, Warne or
Merv Hughes success. Whilst Wootton and
Bladon were able to keep up with the run rate, they began to lose wickets at
regular intervals. J. Harris (5-1-15-1) bowled with his customary guile and
accuracy, and the almost comatose A. Mann (7-2-14-1) showed his normal
miserly form that also yielded a wicket, a rare catch behind the wicket for
M. Bullock. The skipper himself snapped up a couple of catches to hasten
Wootton’s demise. I. Howarth contributed, finally, four overs of pace
(4-1-10-1), and it was left to N. Hebbes (2-1-4-2) to rip through the tail to
finally extinguish the ten-man Wootton challenge.
The skipper (right)
ponders the destruction of his garden. When asked in the
pub press conference after the game whether he though England would regain
the Ashes from Australia this summer, in the same way that his own team had
destroyed the Wootton side, the normally decisive No-Mad skipper J. Hoskins
remarked, “Well, I’d like to sit on the fence on that one, but now, of
course, I can’t.” ‘Beer Matt’ |
*
Men OTM: J. Hoskins
(3 for 22) and A. Mann (38* and 1 for 14).
Champagne Moment: no votes
cast
Buffet Award: M.
Westmoreland’s jam pudding