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Disheartened
by a poor run of two losses in their last three games, FFTMCC stalwart,
philosopher-poet, beatnik and Ethan Hawke lookalike Thornton
Smith has decided to leave the county
of Oxfordshire and make for the
verdant pastures of Devon. Smith, who once
wielded Excalibat in leading the Mad to a thrilling one-run win over East
Oxford, and who is skilled in knocking the squirrels out of chestnut trees
with his deadly accurate baseball style of hitting, has bought an ice-cream
van and intends to travel the green valleys of the West Country like a
latterday Pied Piper, selling Flake99s and cans of cherry pop to small
wide-eyed children. Said Smith when questioned about the sudden decision to
move, “What really tipped it for me was the 15-run loss to Offices. Sure,
we’d do well to beat Lemmings even at our best, but we ought to be able to
take the Offices given a fair wind. Really, we were no more than two overs
short, and I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed. Hence the ice-cream van and
the shock exit to the West Country. I’ll be back after the summer break
though, so see you then. Oh, and see you on tour, too. And all next year and
the year after that, although I might go away for a few weeks in spring of
2007, not sure yet. Fancy an ice-cream?”
N. Hebbes faces
the Office speedster Latif during his excellent knock of 62.
Playing
host to University Offices at Pembroke for the first time, the Mad were three
players short mid-week, but contrived to rustle up a ragtag bag of fill-ins
before the 2.00 pm Sunday start. Of the three new players, it looked like
only S. Arnold had bothered to shave
properly before the game, while G. Carter and R. Kemp-Harper appeared to have
tumbled straight out of bed after a night on the piss and staggered dull-eyed
and listless to the ground. Had they been drinking with the other eight? With
J. Hotson setting the standard for Mad personal grooming by recently
sacrificing his Samsonian locks for the sake of team morale, new players
would do well to heed the advice that good grooming and a polite and
respectful manner are important in any walk of life, but especially in a
sport like cricket where tradition holds sway. In fact, of all the Mad squad,
apart from J. Hotson only C. Chanel, Y. Saint-Laurent and V. Westwood appear
to make any effort to look their best on a regular basis. The rest of the
team is little more than a lewd, beer-swilling rabble. Hic.
Martin considers burning his jinxed new-bat.
Blame your tools, eh?
It was a
fine game against Offices, in which the Mad attempted to exact revenge for
the notorious Potato Game at Jesus College the previous month, in which the
Offices team had contrived to foist upon the Mad a variety of misshapen fruit
and vegetables with which to bowl while they themselves used half a dozen
shiny new cherries straight from the box. The Potato Game is still a sore
point between the two sides, except for University Offices, who don’t know a
thing about it and probably never will unless they read the report.
It was a
fine game, and yet, another loss. Winning the toss and hoping to extract from
the pitch the same variable bounce which the Lemmings had so well exploited
against the Mad the previous week, J. Hoskins captaining put the Offices in
to bat. But the plan backfired as opening bowlers
I. Howarth (5-0-24-0) and N. Hebbes
(5-2-20-0) failed to hit their mark. A. Mann coming on (7-0-31-0) was
likewise bowling sh*te, a lot of it down leg, but in newcomer R. Kemp-Harper
(8-0-40-4) the Mad seemed at last to have uncovered someone who could take a
f*cking wicket, and it was thanks to his pace and bounce that the home team
began to make inroads into the Offices order. Bodleian ringer S. Arnold (4-0-22-0) looked useful with his skidders
from the Changing Shed End, and always competitive. J. Hoskins did some real
damage. Returning figures of 8-1-35-4 from the Soggy Cuttings End, bowling
over and around, with and without hat, Hoskins at last bagged the wickets he
had been deserving for so many weeks and in doing so put the screws on the
Offices lower order. With M. Westmoreland (3-0-23-1) taking the crucial
wicket of top-scorer B. Oon (49), the Offices were restricted in the end to
205 on what had turned out to be a less than excitable wicket. Westmoreland
also had another fine day in the field, snaffling two important catches to
add to his growing tally. Second top knock, on 47, came courtesy of Extras,
of which, Byes racked up 10 and Wides a healthy 33. Quite a lot, really.
The No-Mad watch the unlikely gripping
run-chase.
In reply,
the Mad began steadily, with A. Mann (9) returned to his historic role of
opener and, with the reliable N. Hebbes,
building a solid base. But Mann fell eventually lbw to a straight one, and by
the time M. Westmoreland (0) and J. Hotson (0) had gone for a pair of ducks,
the run rate had slipped a little low, and the Mad had much to do. Substitute
keeper G. Carter scored a quick-fire 11, and then I.
Howarth wearing his lucky cap strode to the wicket. He and Hebbes put on 57
in no time to give the Mad a sniff, but when the latter departed for 62, and
then Howarth went shortly afterwards for a brutal and entertaining 35, the
game was gone. T. Mander (8) most likely thought he was batting for the
opposition, A. Morley (10 n.o.) made double figures for the first time since
returning from his wilderness years, and R. Kemp-Harper scored some lusty
blows to finish on 14. But it just wasn’t enough. Nor has the mystery yet
been solved as to who stole all the hats from the changing rooms while the
team was showering. No doubt the unknown hat thief is by now in Lithuania or
perhaps, somewhere closer to home….?
Yeah, mate – really funny losing isn’t it?
ISN’T IT??????
Still, at least London beat Paris
to the 2012 Olympics. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
‘Blocker’
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