Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Toilet Inspector’s Report”

 

 

Sunday 3rd July 2005

Result:  Lost by 15 Runs

Venue:  Pembroke College Sports Ground

40 overs

Oxford University Offices

205 - 9

J. Hoskins  4 - 35,  R. Kemp-Harper  4 - 40

FFTMCC

190 - 7

N. Hebbes  62,  I. Howarth  35

 

 

 

First let me say, thank you to the respective captains of the two teams for inviting a member of the Oxfordshire Toilet Inspectorate to this afternoon's game. As a devotee of cricket and all things smelly, I am rarely able to combine both my passions, but today turned out to be the perfect opportunity, as a real variety of shit was on show during the game.

 

Opting to bowl first, the FFTMCC served up some real doo-doo. Batsman bowler, I. Howarth, threw some speckled, coffee-coloured half-trackers down, with other stinking morsels passing the hapless batsmen waist-high. Batsman bowler, N. Hebbes, plied his trade using cat excrement. Some of his lightly salted droppings were hit high and mighty, leaving impressionistic stains in surrounding trees. No-Mad bowling regular, and living legend, A. Mann, decided on what appeared to be hardened rabbit dung, course and firm to the grip, this particular animal discharge seemed to persistently slide wide of leg stump as it curled through the air. But I must admit to being rather excited by M. Westmoreland’s approved choice of turd to bowl with – tough, blackened Friesian poo; needless to say this didn’t seem to deter the batsmen too badly, as they merely whacked the majority of it into the nearby tennis courts.

 

 

One of Toilet Inspector’s favourite snaps.

 

Later, when it came to the Offices turn to bowl, the team were far less inclined to bowl shite, and only their leg-spinning pie-chucker vaguely interested me. He appeared to be utilising some greyish horse manure which had stiffened in the light breeze, and it went many a mile when launched off a decent bit of timber. 

 

It's not always the case that such a wide variety of shit can be found at a game of cricket, and perhaps this was an exceptional, if noteworthy, situation. But I thoroughly enjoyed myself today, and can leave for my stable quarters feeling very happy and content with life.

 

 

‘Toilet Inspector’

 

 

 

 

 

(...back )