Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Inspector Gadget
Appears For OU
Between This and That End”
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Sunday 5th June
2005 |
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Result: Lost by 140 Runs |
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Venue: |
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40 overs |
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246 - 9 |
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I. Howarth 3 - 44,
J. Harris 2 - 45 |
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FFTMCC |
106 ao |
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N. Hebbes 45 |
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Many a time since
the Foundation (in 1998, under a different name) have the boundaries of
cricket being pushed to their very limit by the Far From The MCC. Inventions
such as Hat and/or Glasses Bowling, Self Importance, Driftwood Usage and
Prosthetic ‘Iron Hands’ have left spectators gawping on the sidelines in
summers gone by. Some such inventions have been heralded great successes, and
the new fielding position of Deep Slip has even been referred to on Test
Match Special. However, the No-Mad themselves were outdone in the field this
Sunday last, when in true Whacky Races style, OU Offices unleashed not one,
but two secret weapons in the field to flabbergast the most unflabbergastable
of cricketing veterans.
Straight out of the
CIA research and development department came the Anti-Fielder-Homing-Ball-Device,
a microchip controlled ball which when struck with the willo* would
automatically stray into an area without a fielder, but always keep the
nearby cricketer interested in catching it without ever laying a goddamn hand
on it whilst in flight. US Military officials at the game were said to be
pleased with the preliminary tests and would now be installing this technology
in their Tomahawk missiles in order to avoid friendly forces in the field of
battle. Secondly, when
realizing a potential mooing (cow, rake, swish, swat, woft, thrash etc etc)
could be round the corner, they utilized the much celebrated Inspector-Gadget-Hand-of-God-Catching-Device. This
cunning implement, installed within the arm of a rangy, gangly member of
their number, one Mr. Heron, allowed the individual to catch the cherry from
a distance of 16.72 feet, and with his back to the ball - almost as if it
were a small fish wallowing in the shallows…. Unbelievable.
N. Hebbes and D. Edwards see off
the opening burst from the OU attack. Debate still rages
on (at least Moo Boy continues to debate) whether said devices were legal in
the field of play, and claims that Martin’s wicket should be non-valid. But
let’s face it No-Mad, we were outdone this week by cunning guile, a couple of
ringers, and a little bit of cricketing genius thrown in. This week was not
to be, and back to the drawing boards we must go, with the aim of catching
the pigeon before the opposition next Sunday. Play proceeded with
OU Offices opening the batting on a beautifully cut field under warm grey
skies, and the No-Mad fielding with ten men thanks to the thirteenth man
stepping in at number ten, thus avoiding nine (thanks Ant). The first few
overs looked promising for the ten men, with J. Harris (8-0-45-2) finding an
early wicket with the lump of crap they were bowling with, and A. Mann
(8-1-44-0) pinning the other end down with his usual early customary economy.
The second wicket proved a tough nut to crack with I. Howarth (8-0-44-3)
eventually coming out with a breakthrough ball which proved to be “just too
bloody good” <cough> to take Douglas’s opening wicket for 41. Alas for
the No-Mad, the breakthrough was not withstanding, and the Offices number 4,
Rahman (56), found space in the field time after time after time after time
after time after time after time. And when the ball did go to hands, the
hands didn’t seem to want the ball anyway…. But despite this increasing
irritation, the No-Mad succeeded in keeping the run rate down to a
respectable level with some energetic ground fielding, and since the ball
wasn’t going to go to hand (no matter what the f&^* we did), they constantly
battled for a wicket with run-out attempts.
“Where’s the tits in this rag?” Now, when run-out
attempts are made during the course of an innings, it is vitally important as
a fielder to know which end of the wicket to throw the ball to. The No-Mad,
enthusiastic as ever to invent discreet improvements to the modern game game,
embarked on a brave attempt at revising the acceptable calling method used by
generations of cricketers, and instead opted for their own brand of brainless
cricket. “Bowlers” or “Keepers End” hath been the cry for many
a century, but this is quite obviously far too confusing a method for the
No-Mad to deploy, and thus the terms “This End” and “That End” were
introduced on Sunday. This, as you can imagine, caused widespread chaos and
numerous outbursts of foul language. Fielders, with their backs to the
wicket, and running into headwinds, were constantly heard shouting “which
bloody end?” before hurling the ball to an incorrect destination. Needless to
say we didn’t manage a run-out, and wickets stood firm at This End, That
End, and T’other End. The OU Offices run
rate accelerated from this point, before a second ‘breakthrough that wasn’t’
was picked up by the wizardry of Spellcaster D. Edwards (3-0-19-1). His cry
of “Kazzzzzam!!!” three seconds before ball struck the stumps totally
bamboozled the OU batsman. Alas, the opposition’s big guns were still not
silenced, and a batting-down-the-order ringer, Boon, thus proceeded to slap a
classy 83 not out with a mixture of searing drives past the bowler and
through the off-side. During these final painful overs, J. Hoskins (9-0-64-1)
returned a wicket for his troubles (his legendary grunt ball doing the
damage), as did
Club mathematician, J. Hotson, is unimpressed
by OU’s claim to have scored 248. Confidence was still
high during the convening tea however, as Spellcaster D. Edwards and the
rusting Titanic padded-up to open the No-Mad innings. But despite what looked
like a confident start, nerves began to show after the run-rate slowed to a
trickle by the tenth over. Edwards, not scoring in the style which he has
become accustomed, gallantly tried to connect with more gusto before
succumbing on 15, and thus passed the baton on to J. Hotson (7), batting at
number 3 having shown fine form in the nets. Sadly, this time, he did not
connect in the middle. N. Hebbes realizing the required run rate was reaching
seismic proportions pulled and cut his way to 45 before the No-Mad were again
rocked as he guided a catch to keeper Malloy. 75 for 2. After four games the
new bat was finally christened for M. Westmoreland (4), as was the vocal toy
heifer on the boundary, following a predictable moo on the fourth ball of his
innings. Unfortunately the fifth ball of the innings was when Inspector
Gadget appeared on the leg-side, producing his miracle catch - plucking the
ball from the air whilst on a backwards sprint! A moment for which, in the first
time in Mad and No-Mad history, had an opposing team member claiming the
The No-Mad were much more competitive in the
pub after the match. It was after this
deflating episode that an unwelcome return to collapse followed for the
No-Mad, as they produced a display of total ineptitude with the willo* that
allowed the OU Offices to wrap the innings up in shortish time.
Impersonations were as follows: T. Smith (6) – baseball, Realising a total of
just 106 all out, heads dropped for all of thirty seconds before realizing
that it was only 18:15, and that the Marsh Harrier pub was only just round
the corner. Fines duly abounded – what japery - and it was universally agreed
that we can’t win every game, a realization that naturally comes about when
you have just lost. Never mind, we were
a lot more competitive in the pub quiz. ‘Pugwash’ |
*
MOTM: N. Hebbes
for his knock of 45
Champagne Moment: Inspector
Gadget (C. Heron) – amazing catch to dismiss Martin
Buffet Award: N. Hebbes’
jam tarts