Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Winning Better Than Being Mugged,

Poisoned or Relegated

According to No-Mad”

Sunday 15^th May 2005
Result: Won by 124 Runs
Venue: Cutteslowe Park
35 overs
FFTMCC	244 - 2
I. Howarth 99, S. Dobner 77
Marlborough House	120 ao
M. Westmoreland 3 - 16

Opinion among the No-Mad was pretty well unanimous after a resounding Sunday victory against traditional opponents Marlborough House – that winning the game was better than being kicked senseless by a bunch of pissed Tongans, forced to drink drain cleaner, or relegated from the Barclays Premier League. Said captain J. Hoskins after the encounter, “Another great win for the No-Mad, much better than being crucified or having an arm amputated, or even being consigned to the ignominy of the Coca-Cola Championship.” Others agreed that the massive win was more satisfying than having a tooth removed with a chisel, being shot in the knee caps by the Yakuza, or losing one’s long-standing status in the highest tier of English football. Yet there was some argument, as two members of the team, M. Bullock and J. Harris, opined that the thumping win was not nearly as good as not being relegated from the Premier League. In fact (they said) retaining one’s place therein, despite being bottom at Christmas, was better than most things, such as, everything, even the things that most people think are better than anything else bar none. (These two No-Mad players were later seen, arms linked, dancing down the Banbury Road singing ‘Bryan Robson Is God’ to the tune of ‘We Take It All Back Bryan, We No Longer Think You’re A Stupid *&%@.’)

I. Howarth hits out on his way to scoring an infamous 99.

Winning the toss on a warm and bright Cuttleslowe afternoon, the park overflowing with yabbering, hyperactive children overdosed on ice cream, fretted over by their weary, bickering parents, No-Mad captain J. Hoskins sent a depleted Marlborough into the field, just to make them sweat. Soon, they were sweating. The feared return of The Doppelganger – the left-arm inswinging Aussie Ant Mk II who had previously terrorised the Mad and sent many a stalwart batsman cowering behind his crease – soon turned to anticlimax as the brash Australian failed to find his range. Figures of 7-0-32-0 told the story, and bowling from the Park Keeper’s End, R. Ocky (7-1-43-0) was likewise ineffective if not more so.

I. Howarth and S. Dobner opening were making hay, and behold! so much hay was eventually produced that as the afternoon wore on, one by one, local farmers began to arrive in their battered trucks and look speculatively towards the pitch, so that by the time the partnership had ended, nineteen or twenty members of Oxfordshire’s rural community had appeared and were staging an impromptu Country Show down near the changing block. (First Prize – Pumpkin: G. Morecroft, Stadhampton).

The Marlborough are deep in the doo-doo after 19 overs….

By the time he was dismissed with the score at a record-for-all-wickets 171-1, I. Howarth had been dropped twice, tried to emasculate A. Mann umpiring, and just avoided murdering a small child minding his own business behind the boundary line... and accumulated 99. Thus breaking the record for highest individual score by a Mad batsman and still not a century. “You’re on 99! You’re on 99!” the entire team and fifty passersby had yelled as Howarth stood at the crease, yet for some inexplicable reason he had not heard them, attempting next ball to pin a passing buzzard to the clouds, missing completely, and coming up stumped. Still, not a bad knock for a bloke with small hands. Fancy a Flake with that?*

Slightly more circumspect yet just as effective, S. Dobner (77) also fell within reach of the fabled three figures, thus once again justifying his decision never to bowl for the Mad again although a team going by a different name is another matter entirely. Pushing on towards a new record total of 244 from 35 overs, T. Smith (15 n.o.) and J. Harris (34 n.o.) made the Marlborough attack look almost as inconsistent as it really was, and only M. Ike (7-0-35-1) who got several to boink about and pop, and G. Lal (3-0-27-1) could take away the consolation of a wicket each from what must have been a disheartening day.

Ian and Steve enjoy a drinks break with a New York scientist (right).

Defending 244, the Mad were under no pressure as they went about picking off the top of the Marlborough order before exposing an underbelly of small mouthy children and young women new to the willow. A. Mann (5-1-7-1) found swing but beat the bat too often, before picking up the late wicket of a large helmet concealing a young lad beneath. M. Westmoreland (5-1-16-3) continued his superb form with the ball to add to his growing tally, as well as taking a couple of catches in the outer. J. Hotson (4-0-20-1) featuring from the Big Tree End bagged his first scalp for a decade and likewise T. Smith (4-0-26-1) grabbed one as S. Dobner held a skier at midwicket. N. Hebbes (5-0-14-1) and J. Hoskins (6-1-27-1) also prospered, with the latter depriving himself of the chance of a hat trick delivery by calling a distraught young lass back to the crease after a callous first ball dismissal. The rest of the gallant ex-Madsters, who were not bowling at the time, were quick to show their credentials and entreat the young lady to depart not so hastily, nay, to return at once! and several moments later Hoskins himself was heard to mutter generously, ‘All right, sod it, give her another chance goddamit bloody hell could have a frigging hat trick sodding b*stards.’ Only A. Nt (41 n.o.) and R. Ocky (29) could muster any Marlborough resistance in a colourful mid-innings partnership of 74, but soon enough, it was all over, and the formerly Insane had won by 124. M. Bullock had another blinder behind the stumps, failing only in one difficult chance to catch a ball with the end of his toe.

The Landlord of the Dew Drop is a wanker (apparently).

Later, the team could be discovered at the Dew Drop Inn on the Banbury Road, where famously you are not allowed to eat sandwiches unless you buy them from the pub itself, and where M. Bullock and J. Harris danced naked in the streets, while J. Hoskins put his head inside a large bucket and lamented the death of football.

Cricket, however, is alive and well.

Pos	Team	Pld	GD	Pts
17	West Brom	38	-25	34
18	Crystal Palace (R)	38	-21	33
19	Norwich (R)	38	-35	33
20	Southampton (R)	38	-21	32

West Brom escape the drop from the Premiership on the final day of the season.

* * *

* - Joke credit: T. Smith

‘Blocker’

*

Statto's Scorecard

Match Fines

MOTM: I. Howarth for his non-century

Champagne Moment: S. Dobner’s first six for the No-Mad

Buffet Award: T. Smith for his apple pies

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