Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Hoskins Back For Third Term

As No-Mad Hit The Ground Running”

 

 

Sunday 8th May 2005

Result:  Won by 9 Wkts

Venue:  Cholsey

35 overs

Cholsey

88 ao

A. Mann  4 - 10,  M. Westmoreland  3 - 23

FFTMCC

89 - 1

L. Davie  39*,  D. Edwards  34*

 

 

 

Last December, the rank and file of the Mad Party had cause to rejoice as leader James Hoskins was elected to the office of captain for a record third term. “This is the first occasion a skipper of the No-Mad has been returned for a third year in succession,” said Hoskins at the time, looking weary and jaded from incessant campaigning. “And so what if I had to adopt the policies of the Sane Party to win in the first place?  I appreciate, however, that my margin of victory this time was less than a landslide, and believe me, I am contrite. I am humble. I vow to listen to the message that the formerly-Mad players have sent me. Listen listen listen. In addition, I pledge that I will never ever ever invade Wootton or Dorchester, unless President Bush tells me to. As for back-door privatisation of the club, it will continue as before.”

 

 

The No-Mad watch on after S. Dobner’s early dismissal.

 

Yet there were rumblings of discontent from the Mad Party’s lower order, keen to oust their leader at the earliest opportunity and replace him with a pragmatic socialist bent on redistribution of the team’s funds, and so a first up victory in season 2005 was crucial for Hoskins to consolidate his power base. After winning the toss on a cool and blustery afternoon, Cholsey elected to bat.

 

It had been a drubbing which Cholsey had handed out to the Mad in 2004, and there was some expectation among their ranks that this year’s fixture might unfold in like manner, but it was soon apparent that this time round things would not be so easy. The Cholsey pitch, the previous September soft and spongy like a baby’s turd, seemed both pliant and hard, maybe with ridges, maybe not, as though comprised of no more than a few rolls of turf tramped down the previous day by landscapers just back from the pub. A. Mann (7-4-10-4) opened from the Railway End not quite warmed up and produced a percentage of leg-side shite, but still got the odd one to dart. He soon had openers S. Haigh (4) and P. Jackson (5) stalking back to the pavilion with their stumps in disarray. I. Howarth (5-3-5-0) bowled with venom and lift, and though unfortunate not to take a wicket, he did distressingly break a nose as Cholsey’s J. Gilbert (ret’d hurt 0) played a rising delivery into his face and was soon off to casualty. (Along with L. Davie, Howarth is currently the quickest of the No-Mad’s bowling line-up, which may well have something to do with his particularly small hands).

 

 

The No-Mad’s A. Mann was in vintage form with the ball.

 

M. Westmoreland (7-1-23-3) also bowled some shite, got carted, took a wicket with some shite, and then found the dangerous line which ripped through the Cholsey middle order. Westmoreland has uncovered a prodigious skill for moving the ball from leg to off against the right-hander, and if you’re up against that kind of stuff, well, just don’t bother putting on the pads, buddy. Bowling without hat, J. Hoskins (6-1-30-0) was unjustly punished for his provocative approach, with top edges dropping tantalisingly short and the stumps seeming to narrow oddly as the ball phizzed past. On another day, he would have had a hatful. By the time N. Hebbes (2.5-0-8-2) came on to wrap things up after the hail and rain, Mann had bagged a couple more clean bowled, including high-scorer D. Powell (47), and Cholsey had slumped to 88 all out. D. Edwards (hat with brim) looked sharp in the field, as did J. Hotson, and T. Smith took two catches with customary ease. M. Bullock behind the stumps showed no ill-effects from overwintering.

 

 

Lee Davie showed just what the No-Mad had been missing.

 

Batting after egg sandwiches (no cheese), the No-Mad made it look easy, but it was not. S. Dobner (4) played on after striking an early blow through the covers, but then D. Edwards (34 n.o.) and L. Davie (39 n.o.) returning from a debilitating plastering injury had to battle both the vagaries of the pitch and the accurate line of R. Williams (7-2-12-1) in order to subdue the Cholsey attack. On their first time together at the crease, Edwards and Davie played with great composure and understanding in difficult conditions, letting loose only when the modest target came within sight. Edwards capped it all with a raking six over the herd of moo cows in a far corner of the field.

 

 

J. Harris and his mate Stella find other interested parties.

 

It was great to see J. ‘Calypso’ Harris at the game too, and to meet his constant companion Stella, who helped him with the scoring. At nine wickets, this was the No-Mad’s most resounding win against strong opposition, and enough to secure Hoskins’ position as captain despite the grumblings of a small but vocal minority of unelectable scumbag socialist malcontents.

 

Is this the Great Leap Forward?

 

 

‘Blocker’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

Statto's Scorecard

Match Fines

 

 

MOTM:  A. Mann for his 4-wicket haul

Champagne Moment:  D. Edwards’ cow for the maximum

Buffet Award:  J. Hoskins’ treacle pudding and cream

 

 

 

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