Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Notes From A TFC Spotter”
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Sunday 23rd
July 2006 |
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Result: Won by 9 Wkts |
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Venue: |
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35 overs |
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Bodleian |
102 - 8 |
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S. Parkinson 2 - 14 |
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FFTMCC |
106 - 1 |
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I. Howarth 63*,
S. Dobner 30 |
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For those amongst us who are unfamiliar with the great game of
cricket, the term "TFC" may well be very alien. You would probably
be quite suspicious as to it's meaning, especially as it’s abbreviation
contains the letters "F" and "C" - but I can reassure you,
wholeheartedly, that it certainly does not refer to any sexual coupling or
the female anatomy. Oh, no - it is quite different, very different - a simple
saying, it is merely.... "Thanks For Coming". Thanks for coming? Yes, thanks for coming. For coming along to the
game today, utilising whatever means of transport at your disposal with the
expressed intentions of scoring a hundred, or taking a bag full of wickets
and realising your cricketing dreams. Only for it to gradually dawn on you as
the match wears thin, that your sole contribution has been to....... stand in
the field, hands in pockets, and maybe, just maybe, stop a ball, and to then
sit pitch-side waiting to bat – eyes becoming sleepy, as the rest of the
team……. do something. Yep, that is the size of your contribution to
the team's efforts on that day – not a lot. So you didn't get to bat, you
didn't get to bowl, but you came along anyway, to play this venerable game
and attempt to enjoy it's nuances. It seems most unfair, doesn't it? But
that's just the way it pans out sometimes, that’s the way it is, how the
cookie crumbles - and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, save
for a collected sigh, and a resigned smile when a team mate giggles whilst
mentioning you've bagged "a TFC".
These two chaps fill most the
criteria of a TFCer. Of course there are many symptoms that mark out a potential TFCer,
and I couldn’t fully list them all, but below are a few pointers to help
fellow spotters identify these cricketers without being forced to ask
impolite questions whilst a match is in progress:
But why should one be interested in TFC’s, and where does one find
examples of a TFCer – I hear you ask? Well, all I can say is that, after many
years experiencing the joys of cricket, the sight of a TFCer going through
their motions provides a most stimulating little side-show to the event
itself. And where to find them? I would suggest heading to a ground where the
hosting team are experiencing large totals for the loss of very few wickets.
You see, a TFCer is only likely to appear in a game where he doesn’t bat, and
for him to avoid batting, the team would lose few wickets in setting a total
or chasing a total. I know of one said team, locally based as well, that go
by the name of the Far From The MCC.
Lying around doing fuck all –
typical TFCer. So how has the genial * * * My first notes concern this Eric Clapton look-a-like, whose laid-back
demeanour and late arrival to a game was in totally keeping with his eventual
collection of a TFC. He did however leave his cheap lager alone for a while,
and do some umpiring, although nothing happened whilst he was out in the
middle, and so he returned not more than 20 minutes later to his rollup
tobacco and warm beer - where he sat, eyes becoming sleepy as his team mates
established a massive score for the loss of one wicket. When it later came to
field, this rock star wasn't afforded a bowl, and instead stood by the square
leg umpire gazing at the fluffy clouds that punctuated the blue skies above.
Leaves gently falling on a TFCer
by the boundary. I was also quite surprised by this northern gentleman with a blue
hat, who allegedly plays most of his cricket on the leg side when he bats.
Although I never got to verify this assertion, as he never even got to put
his pads on, I was assured by a passing pikey that this man had indeed been
in tremendous form with the willow lately, and that his collection of a TFC
on this day was somewhat of a surprise. He was audible in the field, but
nothing really came to him, or any event take him. He didn't even turn his
arm over, although he did gesture to the skipper by rotating his arm in a
circle - alas it had little effect, as he was subsequently told to stand by
the cattle on the deep mid-wicket boundary. I did see him pick his nose later
in the day, and gesture to his pregnant wife by the boundary. She must have
been as bored as he was. I think his team won by 5 wickets.
A TFCer can feel isolated and
alone as he does fuck all. There would be another northerner who was to accrue a TFC, although
this gentleman would have the power to have prevented it from happening.
Strangely, he seemed content to sit on the boundary watching his top order
thrash the ball about whilst sinking lower and lower in the order. Maybe he
wasn't up to the ask on this day? I was told by a team mate that he usually
batted up the order, and that he was most capable, but again, I only saw him
sat on his behind taking the occasional photo with his mobile phone. When it
would come to field, we was very audible and animated with his field
placements and bowling changes, but he never really did anything - save run
to the boundary every now and again to either retrieve the ball or push the
sightscreen left or right behind the bowlers arm. If we are being picky, then
maybe his TFC was not quite a “pure” TFC, as he was seen urinating on the
field and thoroughly enjoying himself*. The happiest of men I have had the fortune to meet whilst securing a
TFC, would have to be the gentleman from Cholsey the other week. He'd stood
in the field, at slip I would think, doing very little running (a joke
amongst his team mates), and occasionally enjoying a quip with his keeper
friend. He never bowled, as I believe he was scheduled to bat later in the
day. However this never came to pass, as due to the poor standard of the
opposition, his skipper took it upon himself to improve his batting average
whilst our fellow sat pitch side with his pads on for the duration. Not once
did his face blacken, and it was a joy to meet someone enjoying such an
unfulfilling day.
Thoughtful, pensive, distracted,
and bored are TFC characteristics. Contentment with a TFC - now that’s an odd combination, and something
of a real rarity. So you can imagine my excitement when I happened upon this
chap sporting industrial strength lager, who seemed to fit that very billing.
A polite fellow, sizeable of the gut, he drank a couple of gallons whilst
watching his team mates plunder the opposition from his vantage point under a
large oak. When it came to field, he would hide in the gully, avoiding the
ball where necessary, and trying his hardest to focus on the ball whilst the
alcohol coursed through his body. But his was not to worry, as the FFTMCC
secured victory on that day, and a win for a team is a win for all. * * * So there you go, a brief description of the TFC and some examples
thereof. I hope my diary has filled minutes that otherwise were empty for the
reader, and that your understanding of this phenomenon has benefitted as such.
Now I really must go, as I have an opera to attend in central "Thanks for coming" as they say......... * * * * - a TFCer generally never fully enjoys his
day’s cricket as he hasn’t actually contributed anything. Feelings of
worthlessness and alienation can ensue, quickly followed by the placement of
one’s head in an oven with the gas turned on. ‘The TFC Spotter’ |
