Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Mad Overcome Off-Side Trap

In Record Encounter”

Sunday 18^th June 2006
Result: Won by 145 Runs
Venue: Pembroke College Sports Ground
40 overs
FFTMCC	280 - 5
M. Westmoreland 106*, I. Howarth 88
Hanney CC	135 ao
D. Edwards 4 - 23, S. Parkinson 2 - 15

Off-side is one of sport’s mysteries. How many times when watching rugby have you seen a chaotic passage of play brought to a halt because of an alleged but unseen to most infringement of “off side”? How many people, especially of the fairer sex, have struggled to explain football’s off side rule? Cricket’s off side is a mystery to some, too. The Mad’s own M. Westmoreland, aka Moo-boy, is a case in point. For this season, the runs he had managed to accumulate – and let’s face it, there weren’t many to count until now – had, like all those that had gone before, exclusively been scored on one side of the pitch. Until this day. This was the day that Moo-boy discovered the off-side.

G. Jones’ (23) positive start was thwarted by J. Hotson’s trigger finger.

It was not since a cold April day under the air show at Boars Hill that the Mad had registered a win; four defeats and two wash-outs on the road since, culminating in the epic collapse at Milton the previous week. The return to hot weather and the home comforts of Pembroke could not have come soon enough, and it was for the visit of newcomers Hanney C.C. that all were gathered at the home of Mad cricket to witness what became historic events.

Winning the toss, the only sensible decision available to captain I. Howarth was to bat, and thankfully he took it. D. Edwards, who had mastered the off-side several years ago, opened the innings with M. Westmoreland. The omens for the latter’s innings did not bode well. Westmoreland’s form was poor and his run of low scores had been capped seven days ago with a golden duck that precipitated the Milton debacle. His catching expertise had deserted him, and even with the ball his previous 32 overs of medium pace swing bowling had yielded not a single wicket.

The early star of the show, however, was neither a Mad batsman nor a Hanny bowler, but trigger-fingered official J. Hotson, who sent Edwards packing leg before for just 6 and G. Littlechild the same way for 23. S. Parkinson was then bowled by “the best ball I’ve ever faced”, a good-paced delivery that moved a little and sent the Cheese-meister’s stumps crashing. It wasn’t the ball of the century, Steve. Nor was it a good leave. Parkinson’s bemused departure brought T. Smith to the crease. Smith had spent the previous hour smashing the ball to all parts in a warm up in the nets, but played a more careful innings with a few well-chosen trademark flamboyant strokes in an impressive 14 before unluckily playing on to Jones.

I. Howarth (88) better understood the leg-side during his knock.

Meanwhile, at the other end, M. Westmoreland had made a startling discovery. Quite by chance, he had not only re-discovered the ability to strike the ball with the bat, but had also discovered the off-side, a wide expanse of sparsely populated lush green pasture that opened up a huge number of new grazing opportunities. Using a number of strokes alien to the mooing textbook, he set about the Hanney attack, carving the ball repeatedly through those previously-unexploited areas, a cover drive here and the odd late cut there, with a smattering of a few trademark shots through the mid-wicket region mixed in to keep the crowd’s interest. In the spirit of the great explorers, he had set forth into the unknown; and whereas Drake returned with potatoes and tobacco, the essential ingredients of any balanced diet, Westmoreland returned with runs, lots of them, an absolute necessity when your captain has chosen to bat on a flat, dry track.

The captain himself played his part with a quick-fire 88; on any other day this would undoubtedly have been the highlight of the innings, but not today. The form of Westmoreland was a joy to behold, and with every shot his confidence grew, and finding the gaps in the field became second nature, especially now he had twice as much field to play with. Howarth departed bowled after moving the score rapidly onto 272-5, and with just five balls remaining, the pressure was immediately focused on J. Hotson, who had to conjure up a run to give Westmoreland, 98 not out, the opportunity to reach the magical three figures. Westmoreland, at the non-strikers end, wasted no time, and Hotson was immediately forced into an involuntary single, handing the would-be centurion the strike. He duly capitalised with consecutive fours to achieve the elusive ton, and the adulation of the assembled masses, happy in the knowledge that he had laid the golden duck nightmares to rest and confirming to all present that he had at last conquered the off side.

Bovine mascot held aloft, our hero departed the field in triumph.

J. Hotson receives instruction on getting Martin the strike (to get his ton).

Buoyed by Moo-boy’s success and a record team total, tea was a jovial and lively affair, and second helpings of milk and cheese were enjoyed by all.

If you’ve ever been to a football match, say, or to a concert, or to the theatre, and have read a review or report the next day in the newspaper and thought “was I at the same match/concert/show as this guy?” then prepare for that feeling once again. In true Mad spirit, the job of writing the report of this epic game was given to someone who spent much of the first innings drinking on the boundary whilst taking photographs and the second innings somewhere else completely different, so whilst the facts might be right my memories of the Hanney reply are on the non-existent side of sketchy.

Edwards amuses all with tales about the size of his chainsaw.

Suffice to say, that opening bowlers M. Reeves (7-1-21-2) and S. Parkinson (6-1-15-2) bowled good, nagging lines, even if they say so themselves, and Reeves was rewarded when Westmoreland caught opener K. Dixon at cow corner – where else? – for just five, and then T. Smith successfully managed to stub out his cigarette at slip just in time to pull off a blinding catch to dismiss the other opener Grecian, a feat that would later win him champagne moment recognition.

Parkinson was rewarded with a brace of wickets in two balls, too, and he had ‘keeper Littlechild to thank for a smart catch of his own for the second. Faisel survived the hat-trick delivery, and he managed something of a revival with “Deano”, until they were both dismissed by Edwards (6-0-23-4) as part of his four wicket haul. Skipper Howarth then took a wicket himself, before calling Westmoreland to the crease from the outfield for an over of swing. After discovering the off side, scoring a ton and taking a catch, how fitting then that Westmoreland bowled the final ball of the game, breaking J. Voller’s stumps and ending his record run of 32.2 overs without a wicket.

Proof positive that M. Westmoreland (106*) has discovered the off-side.

Said an elated Westmoreland after the game, “I’ve visited the dark side a few times thanks to our resident Aussie, but never the off-side before. It really is true the grass is greener on the other side.”

‘Beer Matt’

*

Statto's Scorecard

No Fines on this day

MOTM: M. Westmoreland’s fine century

Champagne Moment: T. Smith’s catch in the slips

Buffet Award: J. Hotson’s vegetarian sausages

Hat Lore: The hats are good, but more are on order just in case

Off-Side Lore: ask Moo Boy

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