Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Food Poisoning Scandal

Mars Mad Visit To Cholsey”

 

 

Sunday 7th May 2006

Result:  Lost by 5 Wkts

Venue:  Cholsey

40 overs

FFTMCC

93 ao

I. Howarth  30,  M. Westmoreland  27

Cholsey

94 - 5

A. Mann  2 - 16,  S. Dobner  2 - 26

 

 

 

For the first time since the Great Cheese Robbery of 1962, controversy has come to the sleepy Oxfordshire village of Cholsey. The result of the important Sunday fixture between the local side and a Mad XI has been overshadowed by allegations that the visiting team were deliberately poisoned before the start of play.

 

“This was a crucial game for us,” said Mad skipper I. Howarth. “It was important to build on last week’s win against Wootton & Boars Hill with a second victory, but what happens? We turn up to Cholsey and cop it in the gut.”

 

 

The Mad are joined at the pub by baby Calypso (inset).

 

Unconfirmed reports indicate that a number of Mad players made a short stop at The Red Lion in Cholsey before the start of the game, where they were offered brown-coloured drinks to quench their thirst. Shortly afterwards, the players began to complain of feeling woozy and tired. Soon they were staggering about, disoriented and ill, or else slurring and muttering incomprehensible nonsense. Yet oddly, when the team arrived at the ground for the match, the waiting Cholsey players claimed to notice nothing different about the Mad XI at all. A conspiracy? If anyone from the Mad could remember what happened that day, then perhaps we would know.

 

* * *

 

The vagaries of the Cholsey pitch have been much chronicled elsewhere. Suffice to say that this strip lived up to all expectations, riddled as it was with landmine craters from a recent insurgent attack, and marked with the pits and gouges of the previous day’s Cholsey Annual Stomping Competition. By virtue of being so uneven, the pitch is a great leveller, and so it proved.

 

 

Martin (27) would shepherd the Mad tail well.

 

Put in to bat, The Mad stuttered forward to their meagre total in fits and starts. You are never in on this pitch, and often out. Opener I. Howarth made the best of conditions, posting a confident 30, including a couple of big hoiking sixes to bypass the grassy Cholsey outfield, before reaching for one outside the off stump. In the mean time, Cholsey local N. Hebbes had worked hard for his duck, G. Littlechild (5) holed out to end a promising knock prematurely, and M. Bullock could prise but a single from the bumpy track. T. Smith (0) played straight for a few before playing flat and seeing his stumps rendered horizontal, at which point M. Westmoreland (27) began the impressive rearguard which saw The Mad to respectability, including a couple more big hoiking sixes which also bypassed the grassy Cholsey outfield. Just by occupying the crease, S. Dobner (3), G. Carter (3) and J. Hotson (3) all got three. J. Hoskins (5) hit a sweet boundary, almost bypassing the grassy etc etc, and A. Mann (0*) didn’t. Pick of the Cholsey trundlers was D. Richards (8-4-9-4) with his flighted spin, and L. Sargeant (8-4-7-1) was as usual almost impossible to get away.

 

 

The ball’s behind you Jake!

 

Bowling, The Mad were soon amongst it, and at 32-5, the game was in the balance. A. Mann (8-3-16-2) registered a welcome return to form and S. Dobner (7-0-26-2), opening at the other end, continued his impressive start to the season. M. Bullock in the unaccustomed role of mid-on took two sweet catches off Dobner, while a few sour drops were registered elsewhere. With a crisp run-out sandwiched in between, The Mad could have hoped for a tighter end to the contest, and Westmoreland (4-0-14-0) and Hoskins (6-0-22-0) both did well on the Cholsey lawn. M. Bullock (2-0-6-0) out from behind the stumps and blossoming once again proved his bowling credentials, but further breakthroughs proved elusive. Becher (7*) and Chapman (44*) steadied the Cholsey ship and saw them home watchful, with overs and wickets to spare.

 

 

….a familiar pose (J. Hoskins being bowled).

 

There was nothing left for The Mad to do but return to the Red Lion and make themselves sick all over again.

 

* * *

 

Note: This Cholsey fixture marked the first week of The Mad’s first Fantasy Cricket League. Thanks to J. Hoskins for imagining this particular fantasy and sharing it with the rest of us.

 

 

‘Blocker’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  I. Howarth for his 30

Champagne Moment:  Martin’s big straight six

Buffet Award:  N. Hebbes’ 0.2 ball spell at projected cost of 12 an over!

 

Fruit Inspector:  Toffee apple

 

Hat Lore:  There are as yet no hats

 

 

 

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