Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“Shorten Uses The Kitchen Sink,

As Mad Wilt in 30 Degree Heat”

 

 

Sunday 5th August 2007

Result:  Lost by 42 Runs

Venue:  Pembroke

40 overs

R. T. Harris

223 - 6

S. Dobner  2 - 37

FFTMCC

181 ao

G. Littlechild  49,  M. Reeves  34,  D. Shorten  29

 

 

 

Coin flipping is based on pure luck, under the assumption that there is no possibility for strategy, and any attempt to alter the odds (such as, most obviously, using a fake coin with both sides the same, and or touching the coin) is considered cheating. It is generally assumed that the outcome is unpredictable, with equal probabilities for the two outcomes. So why, oh why, is calling the toss correctly so important to the game of cricket in particular? One example is where recent bad weather has left the track looking like a bunch of drunken Glaswegian’s have partied on it. The surface becomes more than condusive to the bowling side, and the batting team are left in tatters after the ball nips and jags about after their skipper lost the toss and was invited to have a bat.

 

 

Was it the weather or Dan’s batting that made people sleepy?

 

Another example is such as Sunday gone, where temperatures hovered above 30 degrees in the centre of Oxford where the teams of Far From The MCC and R. T. Harris were about to contest a 40 over cricket match at Pembroke College Sports Ground. Whoever won the toss was surely going to bat first, allowing the bulk of the team to put their feet up and watch the other team slowly melt into the turf in the sweltering afternoon sun; and due to the fact the FFTMCC’s incumbent skipper never ever won a toss, the course of the day had already been mapped out by many of the Mad players on arrival at the ground. Said Aussie swing legend A. Mann “if our skipper loses the toss today, he is a complete prick. A real turd of a human being.” Essex fruit and vegetable vendor S. Dobner concurred with his teammates comments, venturing “I agree. I’m sick of batting second. If he fucks it up again, I think we should all give him a good kicking in the car park. And whilst I’m at it – I’m going to bugger off after I’ve had my bat, because watching you lot is like pulling teeth.” Needless to say some 20 minutes later, another of baby Amie D’s so-called lucky coins had been tossed angrily into the outfield by I. Howarth as the Mad set about fielding first….

 

* * *

 

 

Young James (left) points out the real cricketing talent in the Dobner family.

 

On a flat pitch that showed no ill-effects of the recent flooding, R. T. Harris would eventually amass 223 for 6; largely helped by ringer* S. H. Rana’s dashing 123. It was a largely chanceless innings, and the only blot being a hopeless caught and bowled effort by A. Small (3-0-25-0) that left the Mad team groaning as one, and Mr. Small being called various other Mr. Men names not normally associated with a Roger Hargreaves’ novel. The Mad would stick manfully to their task in the field and enjoy regular bouts of jocular interaction** with their opponents, but as fatigue set in and the hot afternoon wore on, boundaries became an increasing regularity as the RTH total ballooned.

 

S. Dobner would stand out for the Mad attack with his figures of 8-0-37-2 including a beauty which squared up RTH stalwart, Ditta (the ball now resides on Steve’s mantelpiece in Upper Essex). A. Mann (8-0-28-1) bowled with good control and was rewarded by a fine catch in the deep by a running J. Hoskins; D. Edwards (5-0-11-1) was miserly until a shoulder injury*** put paid to his spell; and despite their wholesome efforts, M. Reeves (4-0-30-1), I. Howarth (5-0-33-0) and J. Hoskins (7-0-56-0) all copped plenty of flack as the opposition filled their boots. It is also worth noting the contribution of schoolboys G. Littlechild and J. Hughes; the former was utterly luckless behind the sticks despite a blatant stumping being turned down, and young James – nephew of S. Dobner – provided an excellent 12th man as he ran about in his England football shirt wishing we were all playing soccer instead of cricket.

 

 

The Mad were left to chase a fordmidable total.

 

Tea.

 

Knackered. Or at least the FFTMCC were.

 

On the resumption of the match, a tired and weary Mad quickly stumbled to 66-5 with only G. Littlechild (49) making any score of note; our famously quiet Barrow Boy wicketkeeper falling one run short of his 3rd half-century of the season after an entertaining and typically robust display. D. Edwards ground out a worthless 2; S. Dobner was sent packing lbw for a duck (and wasn’t at all bothered by it); M. Clarke (0) swatted pie-man Bradley into Ditta’s gut at square leg; and failing to heed the example of Clarke’s cricketing ineptitude, the skipper (4) then duly smacked another treacle doughnut into the stomach of a waiting extra cover. The top order had failed miserably to mount any sort of early charge (Gary apart), and thus the R. T. Harris team were looking forward to an early finish.

 

 

M. Reeves (34) began the Mad revival.

 

But an early finish never came. The Mad’s lower order, so often castigated this season for their lack of input with the blade, finally came to the party. Although winning the game was a distinct improbability after the shambular start to the Mad innings, M. Reeves (34) and T. Smith (20) set about restoring some face with a mixture of clean hitting and watchful defense. J. Hoskins would last only one ball (bowled by Shoaib Akhtar), but along with A. Small (4) and A. Mann (9*), the Mad’s third**** 12th man of the game, D. Shorten (29), unfurled the kitchen sink as the game ran down and recorded the Mad’s highest score by a Number 9 batsman. Two of his swipes cleared the boundary, and one of them flew clean into the tennis courts - a mighty hit! His partnership of 51 with Ant was also a Mad benchmark for the 10th wicket. So, well done Dave - just a shame you couldn’t be arsed to turn up for the start of the game - obviously preferring the more leisurely pursuits of tea and biscuits in the wood behind your new mansion on Boars Hill.

 

And so the FFTMCC totalled 191 in the end. A fine rearguard effort, and just a shame the top order fell over like a deck of water-damaged playing cards, or the game could’ve been rather interesting.

 

 

A scruffy D. Shorten (right) ended up in the Mad record books.

 

One final point worth noting was that although the FFTMCC played portions of the game with 10 men, and occasionally just 9, it was a curious sight to see no less that 5 Mad players pitch-side at one point during the game - laughing into their beer as they watched their team mates shrivel in the sun whilst chasing the cherry to the boundary. Bastards! You know who you were!

 

Ah, well….

 

* * *

 

*  -  A “ringer” is a term applied in cricketing circles to a member of the opposition who shouldn’t strictly be amongst their number; be it because of his far superior ability at the sport (wasted at this level), or because he / she has been drafted in purely to take a bag of wickets or twat the ball about to every corner of the pitch.

 

**  -  Sledging.

 

***  -  Dan’s “shoulder injury” could well have been a ruse to protect his bowling figures before the late over onslaught.

 

****  -  Geoff Carter fielded for a while after young James got bored of walking to the Third Man position after every over. Geoff then went off the field as little James returned – although James then got bored again, and then went off again, so Geoff then returned again. And then he went off with everyone else after the 40 overs were concluded – without little James who was already off the field. Neither batted, as the club hadn’t got a helmet small enough for James (cricket regulations), and Geoff buggered off during the tea-interval to probably check his recently returned bike hadn’t been stolen again.

 

 

‘Spam’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto's Scorecard

No Fines on this Day

 

 

MOTM:  G. Littlechild’s 49 and luckless keeping

Champagne Moment:  D. Shorten’s six into the tennis courts

Buffet Award:  A. Small’s marmite sandwiches

 

 

 

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