Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Frolic on the Fromage Freeway”

Sunday 6^th May 2007
Result: Won by 76 Runs
Venue: A potato field
35 overs
FFTMCC	133 ao
J. Harris 48, N. Hebbes 30, M. Clarke 16
Cholsey	57 ao
S. Parkinson 4 - 31, A. Mann 2 - 14

May Day was a traditional summer holiday in many pre-Christian European pagan cultures, and many elements of these holidays are still celebrated on May 1 today, such as the Maypole and the traditional Morris Men. It has in more recent years been adopted by the socialist cause as a workers’ holiday.

Cholsey’s inbreeding has come under government scrutiny of late.

It was, therefore, written in the stars that Oxford’s Premier Pagan Cricketing Collective (shorn of brother Dan) should descend on the Bolshevik enclave of Cholsey, or Czeeze as it is known in the east. On arrival in the Red Lion we were greeted by members of the Cholsey Morris Men in their short trousers, elaborate head gear and knee length socks. As a peace offering to our hosts we agreed to provide our own buffoon in fancy dress. Hang Time did us proud in his modern take on the Morris ensemble. The boy has style.

* * *

On arrival at the ground we discovered that we were mislead into believing we were playing Cholsey and were in fact due to play the Jake Hotson Guest XI. By the allotted start time, our illustrious hosts had mustered a grand total of two players which soon swelled to nine. Seemingly the attractions of the Bouncy Castle and the Amusing Shaped Vegetable Stall situated directly behind the bowler’s arm was too much of a temptation for some of Cholsey’s more easily led players. Thank the High Priest of Paganism that Titanick didn’t spot the fennel plant in the shape of Fatima Whitbred’s muff, or we too could have been down to 10 men……..

Under strict instructions to chase a total rather than bat first, Deputy Dob, showed his independent streak and immediately chose to bat without a second’s hesitation, muttering something about being his ‘own man’ and not letting ‘the evil spectre of that Northern oik’ interfere with his decision making process. On closer inspection of the ‘wicket’ or ‘outfield’ as it would normally be described, there was not a single murmur of disapproval at the skipper’s inspired decision.

Deputy Dob allowed the skipper to enjoy a northern past-time at Oldham FC.

The depleted villagers were further weakened by the inclusion of sub fielders T. Smith and A. Mann. However this was balanced out by their selection of the now more soberly dressed Dave Lego as umpire. Setting off at a fair rattle, the Mad experienced the highs and lows of cricket in the first couple of overs. G. Littlechild, who finished last season in such imperious form, has, by his own admission, taken a while to get back into the groove. The first ball of the innings was crunched for four; the next three balls produced 2 dropped chances. Perhaps this would be the day when the Chosen One would find his true form. M. Westmoreland (0), looking to kick start his own season wasn’t given the chance. He was rapped on the pad and was perhaps harshly adjudged LBW. On returning to his concerned team mates, Moo proffered the view that although undoubtedly close, he thought it possibly was just missing the stumps. Having shown good early season promise of taking over the Social Hand Grenade’s position as team wild man, this was an opportunity missed. His cob was, frankly, unconvincing. Not even a mention of ‘Car Park’.

“Moo – d’you want me to ask Dave to meet you in the car park?”

This brought M. Clarke to the wicket and he was quickly into his stride in testing conditions. At the other end Littlechild (6) was bravely confronting his own demons as well as the many offered by the track, and with the score on 22 he mis-judged a sweep off the flighted cream puff pies of Gilbert and was also adjudged lbw.

This saw the introduction of Hebbes, with a slight smell of manure following him to the middle. Cholsey’s most cheerful resident has a lamentable record in his own back yard, having failed to trouble the scorers on all previous visits. There are certain players who empty bars and the opportunity to watch M. Clarke and N. Hebbes in tandem, had the locals literally running to the bar. Under the guise of a fun run, the largest crowd The Mad had played in front of, disappeared into the distance. Little did they know that watching these two bat together can be a very entertaining past time. Who would run who out this time? Maybe harsh, as since desisting from holding his plums while completing a run, Clarke has found a yard of pace and it is the author’s view that Nick has now reduced his tuning circle to that of a 1978 Austin Maxi – the results are stunning and not once did they look like having a Chuckle Brothers-esque mishap. Once Clarke (16) had gone to the economical Chapman (7-3-15-4), The Pagan collective were in trouble at 35/3.

N. Hebbes (30) found it easy to hit balls dangled on string.

Thorn marched to the wicket, his bat swishing like the Grim Reaper’s scythe. Following his recent return to form, this was surely set up for another entertaining and crushing cameo. We all agreed that the bowling, especially of Gilbert, would play right into the hands of Smith. Unfortunately it played right into the hands of substitute fielder A. Mann, sporting an unpleasant fungal growth on his big toe, at mid off. T. Smith’s cameo lasted all of one ball.

The sound of steel drums from a position way behind deep picnic table signalled the entrance of Calypso and he alone in the Mad ranks looked comfortable from ball one. Rarely disconcerted by the uneven bounce he was soon smiting the ball to all corners of the ground; he was particularly savage on anything short. Ably supported by Cholsey’s very own horse whisperer, the two of them pushed FFTMC from a position of abject poverty into a position of apparent strength. When 80 runs had been added, Hebbes was unfortunate to pick out the sub fielder Littlechild who took a good catch off a full blooded pull for 30. N. Hebbes was still grinning on his return to the pavilion, with his personal demons put to bed (what is his secret; why is he always so cheerful?) Given that the next highest partnership in the whole match was 16, it shows how well these two batted.

J. Harris (48) carves one through gully.

The rest of the our innings was highlighted by comedy dismissals for S. Dobner (4), who missed a very straight full toss having been sledged by his grinning brother-in-law at square leg. S. Parkinson (0), having recently been fending off bouncers amongst the cabbage fields of Lincolnshire, was deceived by the ploughed field and was bowled with the assistance of the wind. J. Harris was finally bowled off a combination of bat, pad, gloves and arse for a superb 48. Which all left A. Mann (2), J. Hoskins (3) and D. Shorten (9*) to lustily fling the willow in pursuit of a few late runs which they did to good effect. The Mad closed on a total off 133 all out.

Tea was taken and pleasingly plenty of cheese based delicacies were on show. The serving wench advised me that if I wanted a cheese sandwich I had better move quickly as quote ‘they are very popular in these parts’. Sage advice.

Thrown the new ball which resembled a pleasantly shiny Edam, S. Parkinson and A. Mann were asked to make inroads into the Cholsey top order. If ever a pitch was going to make this possible then surely this was the one. It wasn’t long before the hosts were in real trouble. Parkinson (7-1-31-4) took the first three to fall with Mann (7-2-14-2), bowling beautifully into the breeze, weighing in with two more for his career total.

A small total was appreciated by the small people.

With the back of the innings broken this should probably have been the time to re-introduce the cunning and guile of J. Hoskins into the fray. Fresh from his release from 5 weeks in a Reading jail for crimes unknown, (cricket world cup? - yeah right Jamo) the former skipper was unfortunate not to have a chance to show his full array of skills. His time will come soon. Cholsey were eventually dismissed for 57 with D. Shorten (2-1-1-1) and stand-in skipper S. Dobner (2-0-11-1) snaring the last few rabbits, giving FFTMCC a more than comfortable victory. We will expect a sterner challenge later in the season in the return fixture when they will hopefully have a full complement. They were as always excellent hosts, if however reading from the same verse of time-keeping as our own J. Hotson.

So, The Mad roadshow is back on the road, lets keep this up - it could be quite a season.

Peace Comrades.

‘Mincer’

*

Statto's Scorecards

Match Fines

MOTM: J. Harris’ non-fifty

Champagne Moment: G. Littlechild’s stump abuse

Buffet Award: S. Dobner’s chocolate fudge cake

(...back )