Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Hanney Bored Into
Submission
As Geoff Drops Anchor”
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Sunday 20th
April 2008 |
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Result: Won by 8 Wkts |
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Venue: Hanney |
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40 overs |
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Hanney CC |
112 ao |
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I. Howarth 4 - 16,
M. Reeves 2 - 10 |
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FFTMCC |
113 - 2 |
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D. Edwards 27,
G. Carter 26*, J. Hoskins
23 |
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The cricket season is supposed to usher in the start of the English
summer, yet Sunday gone was played out under ashen skies with temperatures barely
hovering above zero – especially when you factored in the wind-chill. Most of
the guys were decked out in long-sleeve jumpers over short-sleeve jumpers,
and those who didn’t have long-sleeve jumpers had multiple shirts under their
short-sleeve jumpers. The ones who didn’t have long-sleeve jumpers or short-sleeve
jumpers simply froze into blocks of ice in the outfield, and had to be driven
to the local pub to thaw out by a log fire in the bar.
Anorexic Ian Botham really did feel
the cold. Mad preparations for the first match of the season certainly weren’t
what you find in a professional cricketer’s handbook. Half the team had been
up all night helping the skipper get carted as a he stagged around the
centre of Oxford; the results of which were an increasingly busy toilet
facility on the day, and club all-rounder and rabid hound-owner D. Edwards
marooned in Cowley after his lift (skipper) failed to show. M. Westmoreland
pulled out due to work commitments (yips), and swing bowling supremo A. Mann
suffered a fatal knee injury whilst plugging in his Xbox 360. The fact that
G. Carter arrived on time without his bike, truck, car, or helicopter being
stolen was nothing short of remarkable…. This hole in the team would normally have been an easy one to fill,
however D. Shorten is banned from any sort of a life until he completes his
wife’s house, S. Dobner awaits the end of Kim’s 3 year pregnancy, G.
Littlechild was gallivanting around Mexico, Lord Lucan had vanished (again), A.
Fisher couldn’t give a toss, and…. etc etc etc. I think you get the picture.
Oh, and not forgetting S. Parkinson, whose absence could be put down to a tea
party at another works function (amazing he still had the cheek to phone the
skipper for money and help when he ran out of petrol on the M40 then….)
A. Mann did not make the team photo. * * * Striding to the centre of an expansive and rather barren Hanney
ground, the respective captains of the teams discovered neither of them had
remembered a coin to toss. Thinking on his feet, I. Howarth was quick to
point out to his Hanney CC counterpart R. Green, that the Mad were maybe a
little light in the batting department but blessed in the bowling ranks. “How
d’you fancy having first digs on this gorgeous strip of moss-covered turf,
Rich? And we can maybe help sharpen you guys up for your league campaign?”
The Hanney skipper was obviously delighted with this offer, and with the
forecast of rain later in the day, accepted wholeheartedly. Howarth grinned
through his sunken cider-addled eyes before having one last look at the turd
of a pitch. “How very sporting of these genial Hanney chaps to bat first on
this,” he mused. “Hahaha.” * * * It would take all of one over for the demons of the pitch to be
unleashed on the unsuspecting Hanney batsmen. Young D. Hilliam swerved out
the way of a M. Reeves bouncer off a length, before deciding that a cultured
moo was the best way to counter the pitch. It wasn’t, and he left for a duck.
N. Hebbes (8-3-6-0) bowling an appropriately accurate line and length was
nigh on unplayable, and when he made way for A. Small (4-2-8-1) the run-rate
had dropped alarmingly, and it didn’t take long for Small to celebrate the
wicket of the obdurate A. Rothwell (3) by sliding into the penalty area with
arms aloft (the umpires yellow carding Adie for excessive celebrations).
Hanney CC promote smoking (off the
pitch) and inspecting your arse. With the pitch now offering prodigious lateral movement combined with
the odd lifter and the one that took the head off a nearby mole, the Mad
introduced their illustrious pie-men. The baking department was shorn of the
talents of professional A. Fisher, but D. Edwards (7-2-25-1) was immediately up
to the task, and soon had Hanney skipper R. Green (11) caught at slip after
zipping one across him from 16 yards outside leg stump. J. Hoskins (6-0-35-1)
is sometimes irked when he is bracketed with the pie-chucking department, and
as a result varies his pace to try and lose the tag, but it was one of his
succulent cream doughnuts that did for the dangerous M. Pearce (20) – the
batsman completely sold on the sugary topping applied by James. Hanney had recovered to 98-4 before the skipper brought himself onto
bowl. Maybe Howarth needed to get some air in his lungs, or maybe he needed
to wake himself up, but whatever the reasons, and despite joining S. Dobner
in being quoted as saying “I’ll never bowl for the Mad again”, he ended a
patient innings by J. Hilliam (46) with a smart caught and bowled. This
seemed to deflate Hanney, and moments later the skipper combined with the
sturdy M. Bullock to run out K. Jones for 12. The underbelly of the
opposition was now fully exposed, and with the entire Mad team crying out for
a bowl, Howarth (8-1-16-4) resisted the temptation for change and duly
pocketed the best bowling figures for himself by taking out bunnies N. Smith
(1), A. Necchigiri (3) and S. Harrison (3). The innings was finally skewered
by a returning M. Reeves (6.2-2-10-2) when he castled D. Jones with one that
nipped back 5 yards. Hanney all out for a disappointing 112. A. Mann did not bowl.
G. Carter would lead the Mad’s “sprint”
for honours. Lunch was divided onto three tables during the interval - one for
Hanney, one for the FFTMCC, and one for Adie Small. Adie was naturally first
out the blocks and slid an entire plate of cheese sandwiches down his neck
before anyone else had budged. A bowl of crisps was soon followed by an ample
wedge of fruit cake, and Mr. Small completed his light snack by washing
everything down with 6 litres of tea. It was during this demonstration of
“professional gorging” that both J. Hotson and After hastily rearranging the batting order, D. Edwards strode out to
the middle with the often maligned G. Carter to front the Mad reply. Whilst
Dan’s renowned ability for stout defence and occupancy of the crease were
taken for granted by the Mad, Geoff’s credentials were less assured –
especially after he ended the previous season by claiming pole position for the
AGM’s Duck Award. But today would throw up unlikely heroes with both bat and
ball, and as the overs ticked by the Mad progressed to 53 without loss before
Edwards gloved a riser from J. Hilliam (8-0-21-1) to depart for 27.
T. Smith (right) leads the players off
after the Mad victory. Carter would next be joined at the podium by J. Hoskins, who
benefited in an ascension up the batting order due to J. Hotson’s stomach
unrest. Hoskins, brandishing a gleaming new pair of gloves (not that he’s
superstitious mind….), mixed concrete footwork with an exceptionally excellent
eye – and he helped up the tempo of the innings as the spectators drifted off
to sleep. The occasional cudgelling smear by James was complemented by a
block, a prod, a nudge, a miss, a glove, a nick, a tap, a snick, a nurdle, a
pad, an inside edge, or an outside edge from Geoff. It was a shame then when’s
Hoskins’ (23) wicket fell on 99 (funny that, James? – huh? haha) as he looked
set to see the job through, but at least it finally afforded a grumbling and
shivering T. Smith (7*) a few seconds at the crease to club the Mad to their
victory target. It is perhaps worth noting that the 8 wicket win left N. Hebbes with
a furrowed brow; for he had remortgaged his house earlier in the week to
invest in a gleaming new £200+ bat and of course never got a chance to use
it. He did practice leaving a few in the nets towards the end of our innings
– but maybe that was the point? Maybe he’s moved up an echelon in society?
All that living next to S. Parkinson couldn’t have helped…. * * *
Proving that it’s only our equipment
that stops us having ECB Central Contracts. So there it was, Geoff Carter (26*) became the unlikely recipient of
a Man of the Match performance which broke Hanney hearts (and anyone watching
for that matter). He was subsequently caned at the fines committee for his
slow-scoring rate, but not before the Black Horse pub had provided Adie Small
with 3 bowls of garlic rolls and 6 plates of chips to once again demonstrate
his phenomenal gluttony. Maybe Adie should have scooped the MOTM award for his eating? Maybe…. A. Mann did not bat. ‘Spam’ |
*
MOTM: G. Carter’s
snooze-inducing knock
Champagne Moment: J. Hoskins
and T. Smith’s collision in the field (going for a catch)
Buffet Award: J. Hoskins’
caramel tarts