Far From The
MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Player Rating’s
Report”
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Thursday 14th –
18th August 2008 |
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Result: Interesting |
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Venue: Mumbles, |
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30 and 35 Over Matches |
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The
Far From The MCC Tour of Swansea
2008 – “Player Ratings” are as follows:
Never trust a man with a dodgy
video camera and a vegetable in his hand…. Nick
Hebbes Solid
performance from the tour organizer, who left hotel for an evening to be with
his wife, but still managed a resolute 35 against Whitland,
steadying the ship even as it was sinking without trace. Knowledge of obscure
pop music was telling in pub on Saturday night while teaching quiz machine a
lesson. Easy victory in the Crazy Golf on Sunday, possibly thanks to use of
performance enhancing drugs, though nothing proven. Yet. Rating:
2 (per hole) Steve
Hebbes Had
not played for three years, so a fair return for Hebbes the Younger. Remained
not out in both his innings and thus had a tour average of infinity. Rusty in
bowling department, however, with oops ball now oh my
god ball. Broke own record for closeness of delivery to ground and
equalled own record for multiple bounces. Bowled just one over, conceding
about a hundred runs. Rating: Suffered
from temporary insanity whilst Fines Judge and was unable to stop recording
transgressions, though did break World Record for Smallest Legible Handwriting With A Red Pen. Impressive cob (Level: Parkinson) against Whitland after
scoring duck, later Sank Into Despair at lack of form. Excessive moaning at
self and others accompanied by nineteen pints of cider led to illness extreme
enough that was able to score runs against Mumbles on Sunday and thus restore
confidence, at expense of contents of stomach. Rating:
39
Mr. Hoskins enjoying a breakfast
read in the window of the hotel. James
Hoskins Poor
tour with bat, though not through own fault – still suffering from advice
given during Blenheim game which ruined technique and season. Competitive
nature evinced by blatant attempted cheating at Crazy Golf. Frustrated by
lack of sunshine and opportunity to explore locale/go fishing. In desperation
resorted to reading (Classic Novel: Of
Mice And Men) instead of continually watching Olympics on TV. Multiple
blows softened by win at races, as well as surprise win at Whitland Quarter Mile.
Rating:
300 Dave
Shorten Did
good job skippering team to loss against Mumbles, bowled with pace and
consistency, awarded Champagne Moment in both games for lusty sixes. Seen
shimmying at the crease like Kevin Pietersen while
batting, dismissed (also like Pietersen) trying to
smash ball out of park yet again. Showed maverick tendencies by being first
ever Mad player to eat The Fennel. Also first Mad player to invite parents on
tour, leaving himself open to accusations of
maternal fixation. Rating:
66
One of Mr. Reeves’ unspectacular
cover drives at Whitland CC. Mike
Reeves Lost
Killer Pool in controversial circumstances, thus handing captaincy of Whitland game to Rating:
4 (courses) Started
well against Whitland, but nice shot over mid-off
made him think he could actually bat and was shortly thereafter bowled for
12. Lacklustre fielding display in same game seemed to sum up disinterested
attitude of entire team. Put body on line to take nice catch in Mumbles game,
with cut near eye making him look even more dashing if that is possible.
Advice from Steve P to ‘be the ball’ led to fine Pitch & Putt display,
surprising everyone including self, though had a Crazy Golf round to forget. Rating:
25 (over par) Assumed
mantle of captaincy for Whitland game and performed
with insouciance and understated style. Racked up record fines in
premeditated fashion then sneakily invoked the Dobner Clause and got off with just a quid. Seemed proud of
achievement. Slogged 13 singles against Mumbles in display of ineffective
aggression, but ran the boundary like a hare on speed. Seen sleeping in
kitchen on Saturday night, face down on couch, possibly drunk. Rating:
11.25 (pounds)
Love at first fennel. Martin
Westmoreland Came
late to tour, playing in just Mumbles game, where he kept well but batted
like he had the yips. Adequate performance against quiz machine on Saturday
night, though clearly hampered by yips. Took top bunk without complaint, but
suffered from yips while sleeping. Awarded Merit Badge (Listening To Ian Moan About Lack of Form, Grade II). Rating:
Single (figures) Dan
Edwards Played
in Mumbles game, where he batted well and chose the exact right time to
accelerate his innings in order that team lose by only eighty runs. Exceeded
expectations with catchphrases All day
mate (9 times), It’s all about you
dude (12 times), Yes mate (16
times) and Dude! (28 times).
Point-blank refusal to cob about anything led to suspicions he may be
harbouring Dark Thoughts. Rating:
24 (hours) Jake
Hotson Quiet
tour by his standards, though did bowl in nets (still has
yips). Left gavel at Whitland and still has
no idea where it is. Looked like a proper batsman against Mumbles for three
balls then got out, though fielded extremely well, possibly due to lack of
hair in eyes. Had exemplary game keeping wicket against Whitland.
Often left alone in kitchen at night as fellow team-mates refused to join him
in insomniac musings. Rating:
5 (a.m.)
A couch of potatoes…. Steve
Parkinson Won
the A-Group Pitch & Putt in
play-off against Ian (choker) in blinding rain, followed own advice and ‘was
the ball’. Bowled with venom but batted like a twit, though hampered at
Mumbles by intermittent pseudo-injury to knee. Ill-advisedly came up with own
new nicknames, which will of course be ignored. Awarded Merit Badge (Pretending To Listen To Ian Moan About Lack of Form, Grade III).
Capped off fine tour by leaving kit bag at Mumbles and golf jacket at hotel,
both of which have now been sold on Ebay. Rating: Quattro (Formaggio) ‘Tour Player
Inspector’ |
