Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“A Review of Whitland CC

v FFTMCC

v Laws of Physics”

Friday 15^th August 2008
Result: Lost by 5 Wkts
Venue: Whitland
40 overs
FFTMCC	111 - 9
N. Hebbes 35, M. Reeves 17
Whitland CC	113 - 5
A. Mann 2 - 11, T. Smith 1 - 7

Abstract:

This paper deals with a 40-over cricket match held at Whitland CC between the parties listed above. Conceived as an ‘orthodox’ match between WCC and FFTMCC, an impromptu intervention by a scratch Laws of Physics XI enabled an interesting study to be performed. Whitland emerged triumphant from the triangular tournament, with the Mad and the Laws of Physics achieving an honourable draw.

M. Bullock avoided the team photo by spending the day on the shitter.

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Introduction:

At the start of play, it was agreed that a standard limited-overs format was to be played. However, due to a series of incidents it became apparent that a 3^rd party was present during the proceedings: The Laws of Physics XI.

Having observed several phenomena during the match, it seemed natural to the author to record and analyse the impact of the Laws of Physics. First, though, we must begin with the classical WCC vs FFTMCC match report itself:

Acting Mad Captain, Thornton Smith, mustered 10 players on an overcast afternoon at Whitland CC. At this early stage it was already noticeable that the Laws of Physics had been in action, with Sod’s Law intervening to ensure that one member of the team was unavoidably detained by an unmeetable porcelain requirement. It is somewhat ironic to note that this is the first time a Mad batsman has not welcomed extra runs.

Thorn took the bold early step of challenging the Law of Averages, by calling the toss against the Whitland skipper. In a far-reaching move, the opposition won the coin-flip and chose that General, rather than Special, Relativity would be in force.

N. Hebbes (35) was the only Madster to bat using his brain.

Having been put into bat, Mad openers N. Hebbes and A. Mann put on a solid, if un-urgent, 21 runs for the first wicket. Time itself appeared to have slowed, with firmly struck balls becoming trapped a dough-nut shaped black hole surrounding the square. Few shots escaped from this protective layer and thus the openers had to content themselves with some nurdling into rents in space-time to keep the board ticking over.

Following the dismissal of A. Mann (12) to a peach of a non-bouncing delivery, the Mad were stabilised gyroscopically by the flashing blade of D. Shorten. In a daring stroke, Dave clouted his first ball for a spectacular six, achieving escape velocity from the event-horizon of the outfield black-hole and causing a small impact crater to be left on a near-by family home. A quick-fire innings from Dave took the score to 65 before he was caught in the deep after one swing too many on 16.

Next up I. Howarth continued his fine form this season by eeking out an 10-ball duck. Spam threw away his wicket by playing onto his own timber; before then throwing away his bat, pads and gloves in a cob of thermo-nuclear proportions. The Mad: 67-3.

Next up, S. Parkinson had a knock of 7, before he too picked out a fielder. J. Hoskins and T. Smith both gallantly swelled the club coffers by scoring but 1 run a piece. J. Hoskins falling victim to Hooke’s Law, stumped as he extended himself past his elastic point whilst charging a pie-chucker. Duck-avoidance all round, the Mad reduced to 81-5. M. Reeves was the next man in.

A true captain’s innings in every sense of the meaning.

Throughout these goings on, opener N. Hebbes had successfully held up his end. Hit on the pad by a straight one, the Laws of Physics struck back for Whitland. A suspension of Heysinger’s Uncertainity Principle occurred and with no doubt to benefit from, the dreaded finger was raised. Nick was LBW for an invaluable 35.

The Mad tail was then exposed, with M. Reeves the senior partner. J. Hotson managed 5 before being bowled. Early analysis of this dismissal indicated another intervention by the Laws of Physics. With the ball travelling faster than the speed of light, Jake was bowled before the ball appeared to leave the bowler’s hand.

In scenes reminiscent of yesteryear, S. Hebbes (last man at No. 10) managed to score a solitary nurdled run and remained unbeaten as M. Reeves was bowled for 17 trying to hit out across the line. Total Mad score realised was 111 for 9 off 35 overs.

Following lunch, the Mad took to the field with an indifferent bowling and fielding display. King of the Buffet was S. Hebbes who got carted for 11 off a jaw-droppingly bad single over. A range of fine finger-foods was also served up by J. Hoskins (3-0-20-0) and I. Howarth (2-0-14-0).

Best bowling performance was from ever-steady A. Mann who managed 2 for 11 off his 5 overs, with a spectacular caught and bowled to boot. D. Shorten (5-2-21-1) and T. Smith (1-0-7-1) both took a scalp a piece. Good supporting work from S. Parkinson (4.3-0-17-0) and D. Reeves (2-0-5-0) was not enough, as Whitland managed to make the required runs against an all-too-small Mad total with 11.3 overs and 5 wickets to spare, light relief being supplied by a comedy Whitland run-out.

Within seconds of the game finishing – the pitch became a boat pond (again).

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Results:

Law	Incident	Result
Boyle’s Law	I. Howarth proved gas volume is proportional to temperature by dropping one in the changing rooms pre-match. The diffusion constant was derived by the onset of streaming eyes.	Win For Physics
Conservation of Energy	I. Howarth, T. Smith, S. Hebbes and J. Hoskins successfully conserved energy by scoring 3 runs between them.	Win For Physics
Newton’s Second Law of Mechanics: “the net force on an object is equal to the mass of the object multiplied by its acceleration."	Clearly disproved: the force required to accelerate the Titanick to speeds capable of scoring 35 runs (with only 1 boundary) and for him not to be run-out are preposterous.	Win for Mad
Newton’s Third Law of Mechanics: "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction."	For every action (Thorn scoring 1 run) there is an equal and opposite reaction (Thorn causing the side to be fined 5 runs for interfering with the ball with the Pink Hat).	Win for Mad- reaction was opposite, not equal, with Thorn coming up with a match total of -4 runs.
Heysinger’s Uncertainty Principle	Employed by all Mad batsmen/fielders. Predicting both the speed and location of the ball proved impossible.	Win for Physics (possibly)
Speed of Light	A. Mann and J. Hotson both claim they were bowled before the ball left the bowlers hand. This suggests the speed of light was suspended for at least part of the match.	Win for Mad
Quantum Entanglement	The law of entanglement states than two batsmen can not be at the same end of the wicket: if one is ‘up’ the other must be ‘down’. Two Whitland batsmen were found at the same end of the wicket and one was consequently run-out.	Win for Mad
Occam’s Razor	This law states that the most simple explanation is usually the correct one. In the debate over whether D. Shorten was responsible for precipitating a collapse, the simplest answer is ‘yes’.	Win for Physics
Observer Effect	As a defence against a dropped catch, T. Smith claimed that by observing the ball in flight, the team had changed its behaviour and thus the catch was dropped.	Win for Physics
Law of Averages	A clear-cut decision - the loss of the toss marked the 11^th loss to 3 wins this year. What are the chances of that?	Win for Mad
Schroedinger’s Principle	A dead cat was found in the outfield.	Draw

Overall result: Mad 5 – Laws of Physics 5. Match Drawn.

The Law of Symbolism: Jake standing in the South Wales rain.

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Discussion:

You can change the Laws of Physics, but you still need runs to win cricket matches.

‘Asterix’

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Statto's Scorecard

Match Fines

MOTM: N. Hebbes’ patient and well-crafted 35

Champagne Moment: D. Shorten’s huge six into a house at cow corner

Buffet Award: S. Hebbes’ decidedly dodgy apple turnover

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