Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Captain’s Log”

2008.

The year it rained.

Almost as much as it did in 2007.

With August a ruinous slush of muddy depression….

Packing up, and fucking off home…. OUP’s game lost to the weather.

It seemed entirely in keeping that the season ended on September 14^th with yet another game lost to the elements; Stratfield Brake resembling a paddy field at one end with local peasants harvesting the rice. Wayfarers were meant to be the opposition, it was going to be my final game as skipper, and it was also supposed to be Antony Mann’s farewell game for the Mad before emigrating down under; but alas, like much of a stop start season… nothing happened. A sodden ground remained unused under a blanket grey sky with persistent drizzle. Although at least Ant didn’t moan about batting number eleven on that day….

* * *

The season got underway on a bitterly cold day in Hanney in April. Jumpers, sweaters, fleeces and gloves were the order of the day as the Mad reduced the home side from 98 for 4 to an eventual 112 all out; a stag-do recovering I. Howarth (8-1-16-4) was the pick of the bowlers after discovering that 14 pints of cider transformed his usual arsenal of beamers into good length balls. With A. Mann absent ill (yes, folks – another cold), and both Howarth (hangover) and J. Hotson (bad back) sidelined when it came to batting, it was with huge cheer that the Mad came home to victory by 8 wickets after unlikely knocks from G. Carter (26*) and J. Hoskins (23) - James’ knock would as it transpired be a portent of things to come.

T. Smith brought plenty of clothing for the Hanney game.

Another portent of things to come were the subsequent road trips to Wootton & Boars Hill and the Land of Cheese (Cholsey) both being lost to the weather; so it was obviously with some relief that May’s matches against the Nomads of Swindon and Wootton & Bladon actually survived. N. Hebbes would slip the captain’s corrosive armband on for these next two games (in the absence of I. Howarth - honeymoon), and he soon discovered the joys of chasing errant team members up as he re-mortgaged his house to pay for his phone and internet charges, and sifted through the piles of replies that rarely came….

On the field things weren’t much better for Nick, as he registered knocks of 9 and nought as he sought to shoulder the withering burden of captaincy; however he did use his sharp cricketing acumen to guide the Mad to victories in both games by the same margin of 3 wickets. Against the Nomads, some tight bowling by A. Mann (5.4-2-19-3) and J. Harris (8-1-40-3), combined with some wayward batting from the hosts would leave the Mad chasing 144 for victory. This they achieved utilising a long batting order – T. Smith (21) and M. Bullock (20) with some enterprising cameos. Against the Fat Boys of Bladon, an unbroken club record 8^th wicket partnership of 77 between D. Edwards (66*) and J. Hoskins (41*) rescued the team after they had slumped chasing another target of 144. The concrete foundations that Dan’s batting brings to a Mad run-chase is often taken for granted, so I won’t bother with any superlatives; but James’ knock was a revelation – apparently - although I wasn’t there to see it; just like many of the Mad weren’t there to see my hundred last year etc….

Skipper N. Hebbes on his way to a graceful 9. Out.

Rain returned to wash out the final fixture of the month against arch rivals OUP, so it was into June before the next game of cricket was played. Unfortunately it wasn’t much of a game, as The Bodleian posted an underwhelming 46 all out – J. Hoskins (2.4-0-5-3) and M. Reeves (5-2-13-3) the main architects of destruction; although that said, anyone who was given a bowl that day enjoyed themselves – including Howarth himself who snared a couple of fluffy animals with a smirk on his face (averages count you know?) S. Dobner (24) then set about the run chase, holing out in comical fashion just before the 8 wicket win was realised (obviously averages don’t count in Essex?) Dan was unbeaten at the other end on 19 (his average counting more than other averages which counted a hell of a lot).

And then it was Milton – hahaha. After the two previous years of soul-searching and inglorious fuck ups, the Mad pitched down in Milton on a bright, hot sunny day, optimistic that this would be the day where the monkey was finally wrenched off their back. I. Howarth then naturally lost the toss, and Milton then battered us into submission. They amassed 214-5 after slumping to 44-4, and during this period of picking the ball out of hedgerows and surrounding foliage – tempers flared and cobbing ensued (A. Mann was the only standout bowler with figures of 8-3-15-3). Things got no better when it came to the Mad’s turn to bat, folding like a deck of cards as the team took to blaming each other for the day’s misery and swearing into their beer in the pub afterwards. M. Bullock’s day was capped by his gleaming TVR breaking down for the seventeenth time in as many months on the way home. Another wonderful day out then; though I did finally manage get a bat in 2008!

An excellent shot of the director of “Cobland” – sampling the Milton hospitality.

Things had to improve, and indeed they did; or at least they did for two of the team as the Mad won out by 15 runs in a tight match against R. T. Harris on a rather remote and barren hilltop field in Holton. A rare win of the toss enabled the Mad to bat first on a deteriorating track, and they were indebted to knocks of 46 from A. Mann, and a resolute 22 from S. Dobner in setting the electricians 115 for victory. It proved a bridge too far for the home team as the same two guys returned figures of 7-2-12-3 and 7-0-32-4 to bundle R. T. H out for a paltry 99 (stick a flake in that!) and claim joint ownership of the coveted Man of the Match award. There were another nine members of the FFTMCC present that day, but they collectively did bugger all so I won’t bother mentioning them.

Our dear friends the Lemmings provided the next opposition on a blustery and at times farcical Sunday at Stratfield Brake. It was calculated post match that at least an extra half an hour had been added to the duration of the match whilst picking the sodding bails off the turf. G. Littlechild (82) was the only Mad player to shine in setting the rodents 136 for victory, and this they achieved for the loss of 8 wickets as N. Hebbes (7-0-24-3) and S. Dobner (7-1-29-2) impressed with the ball. A close game, but the result never really looked in danger until the Lemming’s minor wobble at the end (J. Hoskins producing a memorable one-handed catch at square leg).

Picking the bails up – it got boring against the Lemmings….

June, as it would transpire, would be the only month during the season to be unaffected by the weather; and the Mad enjoyed an excellent 5 wicket win against their nemesis’ Milton CC on the final weekend. Having opted to have first dibs on a relatively flat track, the away team struggled to 116 all out – I. Howarth (8-0-24-4) and J. Hoskins (8-4-9-3) the chief destroyers. D. Edwards (54*) then dug the foundations for the castle from which we launched our assault, but nobody commended him; save for his missus who applauded his every run as the rest of the team tried to get little Molly to repeat “boring boring daddy, dot dot dot”. The real applause was saved for a half-cut A. Morley (27) flaying a bewildered Milton attack during the latter stages of the run-chase; it was quite extraordinary, and you kinda wonder if Andy would benefit from half a litre of vodka before we ever compile our innings in future. So we beat Milton, at last, but the trip to Milton remains our India; and until we win there, we can’t claim to be the best Sunday team in the land….

A. Small is the club’s professional consumer of cricket teas.

Into July, and into some more rain – however the pencilled game against Wootton & Boars Hill wouldn’t have gone ahead anyway as they couldn’t raise a team. R. T. Harris could raise a team for the midweek Twenty20 however – but unfortunately it pissed down instead. And it was looking rather doubtful for the inaugural trip to Blenheim Palace to play the Dukes’ XI the following weekend – but luckily the god’s smiled and the game went ahead thanks to the host’s likewise desperation for a game of cricket. It felt like a coming-of-age playing on the great lawn – certainly a millennium away from the council pitch at Cowley Marshes that we frequented a few years ago; but like so many cock-sure sporting pre-Madonna’s, we froze under the spotlights and threw in one of our worst batting performances in living memory. In a timed game, Blenheim had set a generous target of 165 for victory (S. Dobner again the pick with 6-0-27-2), but despite their being plenty of time to compile the run chase – the cream of the Mad’s batting subsided as they attempted to pepper cow corner (or the Duke’s master bedroom if you will). It was thanks to an uncharacteristic display of patience by M. Westmoreland (38) that the Mad limped to a draw after their allotted overs, but if this was a boxing match, we would have been admitted to hospital with a broken jaw having lost badly on points….

The Mad in the field at Blenheim Palace.

The colourful cast of characters which represent Wootton & Bladon were the next challenge in July, and as it turned out, they represented the last team beaten by the Mad in 2008…. Tight bowling from JP. Collins (7-1-30-3) and A. Darley (7-1-26-2) in particular restricted the Fat Boys to 126 for 6 off their 35 overs; and with the Mad given a flyer thanks to M. Westmoreland’s robust 71, the game appeared to be as good as over. That would, of course, be without factoring in the annual Mad seismic collapse which occurred as soon as the aforementioned opener departed. Six wickets fell in a lamentable period with the Mad eventually stumbling over the line as their opponents attempted manfully to contain their laughter. D. Edwards wasn’t laughing one bit however, as his obdurate knock had been cut short by Mr. Hoskins’ twitchy finger. Poor ole Dan, but never mind, we all thought it was quite adjacent from where we stood on the boundaries edge at square leg.

The final match of July saw the Mad championed by their third skipper of the season, Deputy Dob; and he immediately made an impact in guiding the team to a 192 run bumming away at Cholsey. To be fair to Steve, the odds were stacked against him as soon as he lost the toss on what was a rare hot day. Cholsey, fresh from their midweek cup success, carried their confidence into the day and cracked anything on a length as far as they could hit it. This continued over after over, hour after hour, during which time the Mad fielding plumbed the depths, and then dug deeper into the hole they’d already dug (A. Mann’s comedy drop and sprawl under a skier the lowlight). Facing a mere 254 for victory, the Mad had looked well set until they batted. An hour later we had been shot out for 61, with Ant’s 17 the only score of note. Truly pathetic, and the crowning moment of turdism; and all this against 8 available Cholseyites….

Why?

August. Rain.

If August wasn’t the wettest month on record, it must have been darned close (mind you, July last year was apocalyptic). Every match contested was either played out in rain, played after rain, or cancelled or abandoned due to the rain. It was depressing in the extreme – and this purportedly the warmest month of the year! The first match returned a solid beating off a much changed R. T. Harris outfit at Stratfield Brake. The visitors won the toss and piled up 207-8 as most of the Mad’s armoury took a tonking; the bright spot (and a very memorable one I might add) was M. Westmoreland’s five catches in the deep during their innings – each one of them a decent catch in it’s own right. Alas, the weather turned after the FFTMCC had began their innings, and the odd drop of rain gave way to a steady drizzle – which in turn gave way to a steady deluge. The opposition soldiered on as their whites soaked up the rain, and the Mad batsmen came and went as the track slowly morphed into a swamp. It was ludicrous towards the end, with players slipping and sliding and caked in mud. The Mad finished on 120 for 9. Beaten, but not bowled out. Dan (22) top scored, but nobody really noticed.

The 10 year celebration of everything Far From The MCC took up the following weekend at Jesus College – with no less than four teams contesting a slogging event arranged by Mr. Hoskins. It was a tremendous success, up to the point where we were changing into our whites – then it pissed down. No cricket was possible whatsoever, so anyone who could still summon the will retreated to the Marsh Harrier pub where the club’s first book Not At This Level was launched. This proved a roaring success, and some of the cricketers even paid for their copies. Not to be outdone by the weather, a midweek Twenty20 game was arranged at Jordan Hill against old foes OUP – a precursor to the annual tour the following weekend. It proved a bit of a task assembling two teams at short notice, but we did it, and then we wondered why we bothered when Chris Heron (OUP skipper) informed me the ground was now underwater due to the 478^th downpour that week….

Molly proved she was no slouch at poker on Decadilly Day.

And then it was the annual Club Tour – this time to the Mumbles in South Wales. The weighty responsibility in organising this shindig had fallen into the worn social secretarial hands of N. Hebbes. This he had undertaken in his usual thorough manner, organising two games in the general locale, a day on the piss, and a Twenty20 game on the way home against our friends in Swindon – the Nomads. Accommodation proved to be rudimentary but satisfactory, and the pubs along the seafront of the Mumbles more than friendly; but the one thing that Nick couldn’t dictate was of course the weather – and the weather was, as a whole, pretty fucking terrible. It is testament to both Whitland CC and Mumbles CC that any cricket was played on tour at all. Both venues had seen a barrage of the wet stuff for weeks and their pitches were sodden to say the least; but their determination to get some action was a credit to them both, and it of course prevented Team Mad from spending their entire duration in Wales on the piss, or getting pissed on at the local par-3 golf course (whilst pissed).

Team Mad’s answer to the Great Pyramids (Mumbles seafront).

Whether it was the traditional first evening on tour getting leathered, or the rather insipid weather, but the team that the Far From The MCC fielded at Whitland on Friday seemed rather off the pace. There seemed an undercurrent of resignation about the whole day, almost as if the game was a distraction from the pub itself. T. Smith became the Mad’s fourth skipper of the season, a decision based on being pissed the night before - and he took up the poisoned chalice with relish, only to be reduced to a desultory wreck by the end of the game and wondering why he’d ever volunteered. Whitland invited the tourists to bat, and this many of them failed to do in the soft and spongy conditions. Apart from a patient knock from N. Hebbes (35) and a late flourish from M. Reeves (17), the rest of the team sank without trace on the muddy turd of a track. 111 was never going to be enough to defend, and it wasn’t, although S. Parkinson (4.3-0-17-0) bowled with vim and vigour to record his usual rewards, and A. Mann bagged a brace whilst complaining the day “was a bunch of arse”.

We do wonder what Dave Shorten sees sometimes…?

After a successful day on the piss on Saturday, including a vintage win for S. Parkinson in the Pro-am par-3 golf challenge, Team Mad decamped to Mumbles CC to admire the surroundings in the pouring rain. After several pitch inspections, various downpours and the odd minute of steady drizzle, the day perked up enough for the teams to consider playing some sodden cricket in light intermittent rain. D. Shorten became the fifth mad skipper of the season – a role he embraced with childlike enthusiasm after his last attempt to skipper the Mad was cruelly thwarted by rain on the tour to Eastbourne the previous year. Dave soon fitted into the captain’s foreboding attire by immediately losing the toss and seeing us beaten around Wales to the tune of 190 for 3 off 30 overs; though he was a breath of fresh air in allowing nearly all the team take a beating with the ball. When it came for the Mad to launch their assault on the Mumbles’ bowling attack, the rain returned in waves – eventually causing the teams to call a halt to proceedings with a couple of overs to go. The Mad had made 122 in that time – I. Howarth (39) and D. Edwards (33) the main contributors, although nobody really remembers Dan’s knock.

The final leg of the tour was in Swindon, and it came as no surprise when the match was called off due to a reservoir of water on the wicket; probably just as well, because I don’t think any members of the touring party actually had any dry clothes left. The crap weather would then continue, and the home game against Cholsey the following weekend was duly washed out too – although in retrospect you really can’t blame the elements, as Mr. Chapman (Cholsey skipper) had already radioed the bad news that the Cheese Boys were unable to assemble a team over the Bank Holiday weekend. Apparently they only had 4 players, but that said, they gave us a dicking with only 8 players just a month ago, so surely….

Peter Ebdon eyeing up a miss into the corner (Mumbles).

August came to an end with a rearranged match against the OUP after a fixture cock-up with Tetsworth CC left us without opposition. The reasons for the cock-up remain shrouded in mystery, although a raging Mr. Mann did question the parenthood of the opposing fixture secretary. Maybe it was a good thing, as the 2007 fixture against Tetsworth served up one of the biggest uber-tonking’s in the Mad’s short 10 year history; although those involved did seem to enjoy the experience – giving the impression they would take to an S&M induction party with similar zeal…. It goes without saying that restored skipper I. Howarth would lose the toss at Jordan Hill, and I suppose it goes without saying that the OUP, and Chris Heron (108*) in particular, would duly gorge themselves on the buffet provided - registering 207 for 6 from their 40 over allotment. A notable highlight during the walloping was M. Clarke (4-1-31-1) taking only his 2^nd Mad career wicket and lowering his bowling average to double figures – the ecstasy etched on his face was wonderful to behold (his subsequent over got twatted for 18). And then came the opportunity for the Mad to chase down their largest ever team total, and for 20 overs it looked decidedly on after D. Edwards (30*), Howarth (23) and J. Hoskins (25) gave the team the impetus to achieve their goal – and then it rained – really hard sloshy wet stuff that smudged out the horizons and ruined any hopes of a grand finale. It is truly my belief that we would have won on that day; our lengthy batting order and OUP’s shortage of the 5^th bowler only reinforcing my belief. Unfortunately we will never know….

Beaten by the weather at Jordan Hill (OUP).

Into September and only 2 games left, and as a gesture of goodwill, it was decided that team stalwart Antony Mann should captain one of the final matches of the season before his anticipated move back down under over the winter months. Logic dictated that maybe he should skipper the first game in September should the weather prevent the final game against the Wayfarers from happening; and as things transpired, that is exactly what did happen. Ant became the sixth member of the Mad to wear the anthrax encrusted captain’s trousers for 2008, and he took his wisened guile to Astons CC on a wet and grey afternoon with a patchwork team including two guys (Washington Sr and Washington Jr) who had never ever been involved in a game of cricket in their entire life. But even these enthusiastic additions must have questioned Ant’s decision to bat first on a pudding of a pitch which looked like it could only get better as the day wore on. In a timed game, the Mad limped to an eventual total of 101 all out with only I. Howarth (30) and N. Hebbes (29) presenting much in the way of resistance. Both the Washington’s batted, and one of them used the right end of the bat to notch a single. Ant contributed a captain’s knock of 0 not out too, but it must be noted that he did look stoic in his application; which can’t be quite said of his bowling, as the pressures of skipperdom came to hang round his neck like a tombstone, and the memories of his brilliant bowling display at this same venue the previous year evaporated into the grey and unforgiving skyline. Propelled by a robust 65* from N. Clark, Astons CC cantered home by 8 wickets. It was a dicking of sorts, but not quite a bumming; and credit to the guys who did make themselves available on that awfully wet afternoon.

The Wayfarers encounter on the 14^th of September was to be my swansong as skipper; my last hurrah before passing the responsibilities and the powers-that-be to the next bearer of the ring. It was to be the game where I proudly opened the batting, honoured to have carried the ring over the past 3 years, and stroked my way to a glorious hundred as I shook off the shackles of a miserable season (by my own standards), and then taken a 5-for to lead us to a comprehensive victory against James Boon’s upstarts. Instead, I ended up going for a walk with the missus on a cold and wet afternoon bemoaning the fucking weather once more… frustrated once again that all the organisation, e-mails, texts and phone calls had amounted to… nothing. Ah, well….

* * *

Mr. Shorten indicates what he thought of my innings at Whitland on tour….

Gentleman, it has been a privilege over the past 3 years; whilst captaincy has had it’s dark days, there have been many bright ones that linger in the memory – and I only hope the players of Team Mad give the same support to the next chief in charge as they have given to me (no jokes, please).

See you next year.

‘Spam’

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