Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Cholsey Win Dramatic Cliff-hanger”

Sunday 27^th July 2008
Result: Lost by 192 Runs
Venue: Cholsey
35 overs
Cholsey	253 - 6
A. Mann 3 - 34
FFTMCC	61 ao
A. Mann 17

Alas the day had come – it's Cholsey. For many Madsters this day always stands out on the fixture list. For the bowlers it's a day to wet the appetite for improving the wicket column without conceding too many runs. For the batsman it has tended to be a fixture to avoid if you want to hold on to a good average for the season.

The stage was set as the mad folk walked the golden mile in the blistering heat of deep South Oxfordshire from the car park towards the Cholsey minefield. It could conjure up memories of those long airport treks in the Greek islands from the check-in point to the Departures Lounge. It took forever. For some it was their first encounter at the ground. The only thoughts were those shared by previous Mad victims who gave eye witness accounts and plenty of cobbing during the pre-match drinks at the Red Lion. The phrases “batsman's graveyard” and “bowler's paradise” were often quoted. As the Madsters passed the mound and headed towards the pavilion you could be forgiven for believing that we were heading into a war zone. This thought was fuelled by the many low flying aircraft that flew across the ground. It was like watching a scene out of King Kong whilst climbing up Hamburger Hill. On arriving at the pavilion it was noticeable that not a lot had changed since previous encounters. There still weren't any showers. The score board didn't hand us much encouragement either as it displayed the previous run chase which was a nice round 50.

Small bi-planes circle over the Cholsey groundsman (yes, he does exist!)

Mission 1 was to inspect the batting strip. Having cautiously walked out to the middle, being watchful for any live landmines and machine gun fire from the overhead planes, it became apparent that there were two pitches that had seen some heavy bombing and one pitch that had yet to be played on. This untouched pitch was the one selected for today's encounter. It appeared from the eye to be an okay pitch although damp in areas where it had obviously had a pre-match watering. There didn't seem to be any noticeable unevenness or sizeable divots to cause any initial concern.

Mission 2 was for the captain to win the toss. Due to a consistently bad run of calling from Mr. Howarth, the captaincy along with the call was handed over to Essex regular “Deputy Dob”. Surely the bad run would end? But as the skipper strolled back from the middle, it was obvious from the expression on his face and his words “we are fielding” that yet again the toss was lost….

Always a joy playing cricket on a football field….

Mission 3 was to get some wicket keeping gloves as yet again they were not present in the kit bag. N. Hebbes had to trek across town to pick some up which delayed the start of the match.

As the mad took to the sun pounded field to the sound of planes, trains and automobiles, Mission 4 was straight forward “bowl the opposition out as cheaply as possible”. From previous encounters on this ground it shouldn't have been a problem.

The Cholsey innings commenced with A. Darley opening with his express bombs from one end and Ant's nagging swinging grenades from the other. The openers held firm and the ball started to hit the boundary at regular intervals. The runs were flowing at quite an alarming rate for this ground. Finally though Darley got the break through with a quick one that got the edge of their number two's bat and Jamo took a good catch behind the stumps. Mike Brierley would have been proud of that one, especially with J-MO suitably decked out in the official 1981 Ashes wicket keepers kit.

David Bairstow inset.

A. Mann was unable to strike from the other end so it was time to change the weaponry. The hot sunny conditions sparked a seasonal idea. It's time to open up the picnic hamper and offer some tempting delights to these ever hungry batters. First it was I. Howarth with some extra spiced sausage rolls and scotch eggs, followed by N. Hebbes with some cheese flan and egg custard tarts. The ever gluttonous batsman though devoured them all and it didn't deter Marshall from reaching a quick and aggressive 50. Cholsey's cause was certainly aided by some comedy fielding and dropped catches. A. Mann strolled in from the boundary to what seemed a straight forward catch from a ball that was launched a mere 2000ft in the air. However he fell 6ft short of the eventual landing grenade. Everyone ducked for cover waiting for the explosion. It was hard to understand what had caused this strange misjudgement. Maybe it was the sun, or perhaps the low flying model aircraft. But no, our fears were put to rest when he explained “the ball swirled in the wind.” One could only put this down to the thermals at high altitudes before the ball plummeted down as this certainly wasn't a day for much air turbulence.

A change of appetizers did at the beginning seem to control the flow of runs with M. Reeves' well pitched scones. But it was A. Small's fully tossed strawberry trifle that got the second break through. Marshall couldn't resist the lofted drive which this time found the safe hands of A. Mann. Marshall though had already smacked 80. Chapman (48) arrived at the crease having just raced across from the hospital following the birth of his child. It wasn't long before he started tucking into the lemon meringues and apple turnovers as both A. Small and M. Reeves lost their line and length and got plenty of boundary treatment. M. Reeves though did pick up a wicket and bowled some pretty good overs beside the more expensive ones. With the game drifting rapidly away from the Mad, the team needed some inspiration. I. Howarth found it whilst reading pages of the Sunday Mirror as he fielded on the boundary. The buffet award suddenly became the new focus for the innings with I. Howarth (5-0-41-0), N. Hebbes (5-0-44-0) and M. Reeves (6-0-43-1) all competing for the award. It looked as though Mr. Buffet himself was going to take the spoils with a late entry, as A. Small finished with 4-0-38-1, but it was Captain Dobner (1-0-12-0) who bowled himself a solitary over at the death that sealed the sandwiches. A rejuvenated Ant came back for an impressive 2^nd spell with Darley to finish up. A. Mann finished with overall figures of 7-1-34-3 which was the best bowling of the innings. Darley finished with 7-2-32-1 as the Cholsey innings ended on 253 for 6. The Mad were left scratching their heads and wondering just what had gone so terribly wrong. This was not a Cholsey pitch score….

Apologies for the scoreboard error – it should have read 253….

Tea was taken and there was still some belief and optimism found under one of Dobners ham and cheese sandwiches. It was simply a matter of 7.23 runs per over. With Ant all kitted out in his full Gladiator armoury and ready to open it wouldn't be a problem “No worries mate”.

Howarth and Mann opened the innings for the Mad. The Early encounters didn't create too much cause for alarm as both batsmen played tidily and A. Mann played some forceful shots and put up a sound defence. Spam too smashed a good one to the boundary. The first talking point of the innings came when Sergeant appealed for an LBW against A. Mann. Umpire Small whilst filming from behind the stumps kept his trigger finger down as the ball pitched just outside off stump. The bowler called for the third umpire, but the camera evidence proved inconclusive for the appeal – i.e. it didn't record the event. With both batsmen being defiant, Sergeant decided on a different approach to his bowling. “Forget the brisk straight stuff, and bring on the slow cooked pies.” Sure enough it brought the break through as Howarth tried hooking an inviting steak and ale thick crust pastry. It looped straight up in the air and was caught and bowled by Sergeant for 7.

I. Howarth (7) tries to remember what to do with a bat.

From here on the dreaded Mad collapse took hold as in the last game. Batsman after batsman came and went with not too many runs to his name. Sergeant's strawberry flans and lemon tarts proved too much for the Mad as did Hough's extra lively rock cakes. Ant put on a brave show but was eventually clean bowled for 17 by Hough who took 4 – 25 from 7. Sergeant took 4 – 20 off 9 overs. When their spinner came on and managed to turn some jam doughnuts by some 4ft and with the required run rate climbing towards 20 an over, it became “Mission Impossible” for the Madsters. A late arriving Thornton Smith tried to do something spectacular to turn the tide, but he was bowled by a wicked low cutting spinning ball for 5 which ended the misery for the Mad as he was the last wicket to fall. The other batsmen's scores were N. Hebbes 3, S. Dobner 1, J. Hoskins 5, M. Reeves 4, and A. Darley 9. I. Leggate and A. Morley didn't trouble the scorers…. The FFTMCC had been skittled out for 61 and were comprehensively defeated by the small margin of 192 runs.

So as the Madsters walked into the evening sunset from the battle field almost mortally wounded, there was much to discuss and collect at the Fines Committee. The post-mortem into the shambles had now commenced.

‘Mr. Small’

*

Bonus: "Buffet Inspector's Report"

Statto's Scorecard

Match Fines

MOTM: A. Mann’s 3-for and 17

Champagne Moment: Combined run out from J. Hoskins and S. Dobner

Buffet Award: S. Dobner’s Essex flan

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