April

Wootton and Boars Hill provided the only cricket of April. It was however enough to see JMO fined for a pathetic attempt to ‘fake Swine Flu’ and exhibiting ‘potential rebellion’. Dave Shorten mistakenly assumed Emerson was ‘an Aussie’ whilst being ‘distracted by female admirers’ of the ‘non-wife kind’. Mr. Darley clearly didn’t have kids in mind when he strode out to bat ‘without a box’ – nor did he mind his appearance as he got tagged for a ‘crap haircut’.

No box – and hiding his haircut.

May

It was unlucky for Mr. Hebbes, a local to the area, that this would be the final trip to Cholsey following years of bitching about the state of the pitch. In a curious irony, the Mad won out by 10 wickets on a pitch ‘not fit for bloody cricket’. Martin was battered at fines for ‘mothering the team’ and ‘not allowing Dan to get his fifty’. Elsewhere, Ian ‘talked drivel’ and suffered from bouts of ‘continual OCD’ – and Dave Shorten was fined for ‘justifying stealing’ and ‘being rude’. All this would culminate in several dines for ‘cobs’.

D. Emerson at Cholsey – shortly before sleeping in his own piss.

Victory against Old East Oxford did little to dampen the Fines Committee zeal, with Dave Emerson picking up numerous hits for a ‘comedy hat’, ‘smoking’ everywhere and displaying no self control (cobs). Thorn was fined for impersonating Michael Jackson whilst fielding – though whether this was a comparison to the rock star before or after his death is anyone’s guess….

June

Records are scant regarding fines in June – in fact, they are non-existent. The incumbent Fines Chairman saw fit to get pissed at every game and subsequently lost them. One can remember the whole team being massacred financially after being massacred in the cricketing sense at Tetsworth CC – and also a savaging which took place at the Folly Bridge following the Lemmings debacle (bowled out for a paltry 78).

The Tetsworth score which will be forever etched in FFTMCC memory.

The brutal fines continued in Bloxham where once again the Mad pulled up short when chasing down a Milton target. Reeves’ 5-for and Howarth’s 74* mattered for little – though they were both hammered by the Committee for failing to bring the team home. Shame on them.

July

Despite there being 8 matches in July – it proved a poor month as far as netting fines income. Only the OUP game saw the Committee convened and even then the worst offender copped only £2 in total. Amusingly, Martin was fined for a perceived ‘lack of intelligence’ due to asking Morlers to bowl. To make matters worse, he was castled by a ‘guesting’ D. Emerson.

One man and his rabid hound.

Elsewhere, Mike Reeves was mauled by Joe Puppy on one of the animal’s less auspicious days – with Dan being fined once more for ‘owning a smelly dog’ and having absolutely ’no control’ over it. Generously, the dog paid his fines.

August + Tour

Tour fines are generally identified as being the harshest and most visceral of any over the course of the season. The trip to Louth was no exception – with £66.50 raised after the first game. There are numerous victims, but JMO is the worst offender – racking up £11.50 in fines.

James stated the ‘fucking obvious’ 3 times at Louth CC.

Among many taxes for moaning and complaining, James is also fined for ‘being a Scottish twat’ (buying Buckfast tonic wine) and ‘singing like a prick’. Parkinson also racks up £8.50 most notably for ‘dissing the team’ (aiming volleys of abuse from the player’s balcony about the Mad being a ‘bunch of slackers‘. The two Ian’s go for a combined levy of £15.50 – amongst their misdemeanours are ‘illusions of grandeur’, having a ‘shitting problem’ and ‘advocating anarchy’ – ‘society is shit’.

Who on earth would buy this twat?

Somehow Dave Shorten only went £4.25 – though a glance at his fines reveals he was hit for ‘failure to communicate’ because of a perceived fear of fines (‘silence in the field’). Had it really come to this? Thorn would naturally hog storytelling at the pub – only interrupting people on 3 occasions to ‘talk bollocks’, while Jake would ‘babble shit’ whilst ‘impersonating Hannibal Lectar’ (with his gimp mask). Poor Martin now found himself ‘impersonating a boxer’ (black swollen eye) while ‘denying his wife a good laugh’?!

Ouch!

September

Into the final month of the season and accusations of ‘dogging’ at Astons CC are made against 3 players by T. Smith (they were searching for a ball in a hedgerow coincidentally). The Astons game fizzles out into a draw and Martin is hung by the Fines Committee for being ‘negative’, ‘flogging his bowlers’ and ‘dithering’. Naturally the Mad’s Skipper elects to cob wildly saying his fines are a ‘fucking ridiculous’.

Summation

A bountiful year of fines income – with Fines Chairman Leggate excelling as judge and juror. His money making efforts only offset by his complete ineptitude at looking after most of the paperwork.

Chairman Leggate kicks back while inventing scurrilous fines.

The team should congratulate themselves on their many boorish examples of taxable behaviour. Well done us all!

Retained Season Records

Record	Amount	By	Opponent(s)
Individual Match Total	£11.50	J. Hoskins	Louth CC
Highest Team Match Total	£66.50	FFTMCC	Louth CC
Lowest Team Match Total	£8.25	FFTMCC	Nomads

Special Rates

Duck	£0.50
Golden Duck	£1.00
Dropped Catch	£0.50
Opening Bowler No Wicket	£0.50
Opening Partnership Avoidance	£0.50
Smoking on the Pitch	£0.50
Drinking on the Pitch	£0.50
Missed Stumping	£0.50
Missed Run-Out	£0.50
Fines' Folder Abuse	£0.50
Impersonating Billy Liar	£0.50
Having a Major Cob	£0.50
Having a Parkinson’s Cob	£1.00
Insulting the Fines Committee Chairman	£0.50
Insolvency (maximum limit)	£1.00

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Fines summary for 2009