Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“The
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Sunday 12th
July 2009 |
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Result: Drawn |
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Venue: Blenheim |
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Timed |
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Blenheim Park CC |
179 ao |
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I. Leggate 5 - 40,
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FFTMCC |
177 - 8 |
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M. Westmoreland 69 |
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Despite
my limited time with the Mad (although it feels like I’ve spent my most of my
formative years with the team in some cider producing county where it always
rains and multidimensional coins defy probability), I have already noticed
some simple constants. Adie Fisher is always right (undocumented exceptions
pending investigation) and James Hoskins is a betting fiend (proportional to
the speed of light measured between the participating parties). Knowing that
such constants were some of the few things that prevented the Mad disintegrating
into complete chaos, I ordered the same plate of sausage and mash at The
Punchbowl as I had the year before when I made my debut for the Mad in 2008
and sat down to participate in pre-match events.
Adie withdraws a ton from the
Hoskins Bank of It
wasn't long before the chaos system that is the Mad began to unfold with as
it happened this time, Adie & J-Mo as the significant strange attractors.
This was a good thing for the cricket playing enthusiasts present, as I am
aware the team have regularly been trapped in such chaos systems for weeks,
unable to leave the pub that had started the chaos in the first place. In
this example of Mad interaction the chaos system collapsed unusually quickly,
with J-Mo losing £100 to Adie on a 'what are the precise determining factors
of the front-foot no ball law' bet, thus freeing us all to play cricket... And
so the ramshackle Mad collective descended on the regal beauty of the home of
the Duke & Duchess of
Jake (right) sheltered from the
25 degree heat in his insulated coat. Dave
S. opened the bowling and despite a determined effort was unable to bother
the batsman. Mike Clarke at the other end was causing a few problems, but
mainly for himself. His Flintoff style run up was too much for a body addled
by years of abuse in Chinese bars & rice fields. His knee gave way in an
almost cataclysmic event. His fall seemed to defy gravity, as despite having
no obvious way of support, he fell as if on a cushion of air. The damage was
serious and Mike (1.5-0-7-0) was forced to retire hurt, with the ever
reliable Steve Dobner brought in to finish the over. Moo's
instincts told him it was time for the wobbling medium pace of strike bowler
Ian Howarth and as the current Mad captain has proven on a number occasions,
his bowling change was inspired. Ian H. (5-1-18-2) defied convention and
bowled a genuinely good ball, edged by T. Pullen (28) and snaffled by the
panther like reflexes of our newly emerging wicketkeeper Jake Hotson. This
was shortly followed by a spectacular forward diving catch by
Anyone seen our skipper? The
visitors to the Porsche convention in the bottom field, mostly unaware of
what was happening in the mowed bit of grass in front of the recently
polished oversized-stone-dolls-house that fronts as a tourist attraction,
conspired to frustrate the Mad's attempts to heave the emotional pendulum
back from default. The obviously over indulgent individuals repeatedly walked
behind the bowlers arm at both ends of the wicket. However, the objections of
the batting side resulted in many gathering around the boundary to view the
bizarre ritual they obviously little understood. Some of the Americans in the
crowd could be heard telling their children 'this was a popular sport before
all the carbon dioxide Saddam Hussein produced turned Gloriously,
the Mad attack was not to be phased and Stevie D, always one to look despair
straight in the eyes and declare 'car park!', pitched an inspired delivery a
few inches in front of his own feet and generated bounce only before
replicated by a pebble skimming off a gently rippling lake. There was nothing
the previously wall like M. Cox (14) could do and he was bowled not even
realising the ball had been released. The breakthrough was made and as ever,
when the Mad sense genius at work, the mood swung schizophrenically back to
passionate belief.
I. Leggate (5-for) – pure
champagne pie. Never
one to rest on his laurels, Moo Boy brought the pie chuckers (or 'spin
bowlers' as they often refer to themselves) into the attack. James Hoskins
bowled with unerring accuracy at one end, such that when Ian Leggate was
directed to the opposite end, the stage was perfectly set for a pie chucker
combination the opposition found difficult to navigate. With J-Mo (8-1-25-0)
stifling the runs, it only required Ian L. (7-0-40-5) to bowl so slowly and
so high, that only the most disciplined opposition batsman could resist a
hoick. Those in line with the wicket claimed movement off the pitch, while
those square were unconvinced. All that can be said for sure (as stated by
one of bamboozled victims) is it was the slowest bowling the Blenheim batsman
had ever witnessed and by combining such pace with careful use of the suns
angle, they fell like oh so many Kevin Pietersen's against an Australian
bowler underrated by the British press (S. Lidicote (15), G. Dun (6), S.
Kemish (26), S. Angol (1)). Moo's carrot & stick motivational technique
(only offering Ian L. another over if a wicket had been taken in the one
before) even led to an only mildly looping straight ball trapping A. Engel
(3) LBW. When a 5-for was achieved, thanks to an exceptional catch by Lord
Lucan running in from mid-off, the Mad were in a state of ecstasy normally
only expected late at night on a tour of Lincolnshire. The
tick-tock of the Mad's emotional pendulum briefly stopped, but chaos soon
resumed as Ian L., up to now fulfilling his part of the Moo contract, was
given an over too far and O. Nelson proceeded to put some youthful 20Twenty
skills into effect, scoring prodigiously off the previously elated pie
chucker's final over and continuing in confident style against the bowling of
J-Mo, Stevie D. and Dave. Thankfully, ever use to handling a comedown, the
Mad brought themselves together to extinguish the Blenheim counter attack.
Dave S. (8-1-28-1) bowled O. Nelson (30) before he could cause extended
damage and Stevie D. (8.4-2-44-2) dismissed S. Cox (2) thanks to a solid catch
by Adie, thus bagging a pair of Coxs. Blenheim 179 all out off 38.3 overs.
Sticky chicken wings were greatly received by both teams as Blenheim unveiled
a Hobbit like spread from under the dense trees of the Blenheim grounds.
Tea was convened in the Shire. I
at first thought that in cricket bowling was the art & batting the
science, but my short stint with the Mad has made me realise that such
terminology can be applied to both aspects of the sport. I admire the
cross-batting belligerence of Moo, the front-foot obstinacy of Spam, the
wait'n'see pinch hitting of J-Mo, the defiant consideration of Twinkle.
Thankfully I knew I was batting at no.11, so I ate as many chicken wings as I
could stomach. As
the Mad entered the realm of bat & crease, so the players of the team of Despite
an initial maiden over by the Blenheim opening bowler O. Nelson, Moo began
picking out the bad balls and punishing them. As ever fancying anything on a
bad length and making quick runs. Titanick had a few worrying moments early
on, but was soon also making in roads against a bowling side seemingly
lacking in discipline. However, N. Hebbes (17) was required for child care
duties and with his wife calling to him from the boundary he dutifully gave
away his wicket, padding a straight one without offering a shot. Luckily for
the Mad, a serious dent had already been made in the required total and they
were up on the run rate. Little did we know that Blenheim still had some
serious cards to play.
Martin (batting) had to contend
with both a ball and a flying severed leg. No
sooner had the cider drenched figure of Spam made his way to the crease than
the opposition made their first bowling change. The Aussie M. Cox was brought
into the attack and the run rate slowed significantly. Moo & Spam still
punished the bad balls, but there were just far fewer of them. M. Cox bowling
the perfect line on or just outside off-stump and also giving away little in
length. Having said this, neither of the Mad batsman at the crease shied from
the obligatory risk taking which raises them above the rank’n’file of the
batting line-up. A few streaky boundaries muddled there way in between dot
balls and the occasional more classical scoring stroke. Unfortunately Spam
(14) pushed the envelope too far and was bowled missing a ball which was not
only well pitched, but showed unnerving signs of inswing. The
trend continued as M. Cox’s gentle, but highly accurate inswingers claimed
the wickets of Twinkle (1) and after an initial display of confident
defiance, Lord Lucan (11). At the other end S. Kemish was also keeping things
tight, although without the penetration of his opposite number. Thus it was a
delight to the team when Crash hinted towards a return to form with some
gusty blows, briefly putting a lid on what was starting to seem like an all
too familiar middle order collapse. Sad to say, the delight did not last
long, with Crash (15) pushing at a straighter one from
“No offence, mate – but who the
fuck are you?” At
this stage the hive mind of the Mad was wandering through the all too
familiar realms of desperation, but things weren’t as bad as they seemed. The
Mad, inherently blinkered to any positive events occurring on the field and
also distracted by England’s heroic attempt to draw the 1st Ashes
Test as Cardiff, had almost completely failed to notice the batting prowess
of their captain, who had now amassed a more than healthy 69 runs off
probably not many more balls. On noticing this achievement, the hive mind
immediately conspired to project negatively upon the unfolding events and Moo
was promptly caught of a less than dangerous delivery from S. Cox. Eyes to
the floor once more…. With
much attention now focused on the 1st Ashes Test, Lego made an
essential cameo performance, making sure the required run rate didn’t get out
of hand, while J-Mo dug in at the other end and rotated the strike well.
Lego’s (16) exciting innings came to an end when he was caught undercooking a
jam doughnut from T. Pullen that he was aiming to hit straight through the
windows of the Duke’s master bedroom. Jakester
to the crease and now that England had miraculously drawn the 1st
Ashes test of 2009, all attention rotated back to similarly epic battle in
the evening sun of the Blenheim grounds. All 3 possible results seemed likely
at this point, but with Blenheim insisting on a timed match, the Mad (8
wickets down and 6 runs short of Blenheim’s score) only had 4 balls remaining
to capitulate a loss, force a draw or steer a victory. This was probably
lucky, as with more balls available the Mad would most certainly have
invented a myriad of possible outcomes, very few of them within the laws of
cricket or the land.
J. Hoskins’ (10*) efforts would
be in vain. J-Mo
was the key man now and Jakester (2no) selflessly gave him the strike with a
crafty single. Slightly missing the point, but ever the gentlemen, J-Mo
returned the favor and Jakester had to abandon his ego once more to put the
switch-hitting specialist at the end of the wicket he was most likely to
score runs from. As
with James Anderson & Monty Panesar’s monumentally gritty stand at
M. Clarke is helped off the pitch
as the game is completed. The
match over, the Mad’s emotional pendulum could finally stop swinging, or so
we thought. The Mad had focused so hard on their team effort, that the
majority had lost their individual identity and like Crosby, Stills, Nash
& Young on a 3 year acid trip, they could barely remember their names,
let alone where they had left their respective cars. This problem was
compounded by the incapacity of Mike C., who had sat dutifully throughout the
match waiting for the Duke to turn up with an 18th century
wheelchair. Unfortunately the Duke was on holiday and Mike hobbled, crawled
& rolled his way back to the car pack that a few of the team hoped
contained the cars which would take us away from the maze like nightmare that
Blenheim Palace had become. The cars were there and most remembered how to
drive them to the more familiar surroundings of the home teams chosen pub. Here
the Mad and many of the Blenheim team finally found emotional stability at
the bottom of numerous pint glasses and bowls of over salted chips. ‘Rev. Leggy’ |
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No
Fines on this Day |
MOTM:
Champagne Moment: R.
Hadfield’s backward diving catch (for the 5-for)
Buffet Award: