Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

“When Is Pie Not Pie?”

 

 

Sunday 26th July 2009

Result:  Won by 56 Runs

Venue:  Brasenose

35 overs

FFTMCC

182 - 3

I. Howarth  75,  D. Edwards  32

OUP

126 - 9

JP Collins  3 - 31,  T. Smith  2 - 8

 

 

 

Since the untimely departure of club antipodean and chief scribeseman, A. Mann, back down under to reintegrate into lesser intelligent communities, the Club’s website has been sorely lacking in investigative reporting on all things “pie”. Antony loved to pen his musings on this least artful of Sunday bowling techniques; sneering through his writers’ glasses at the slow lobbing of the cricket ball towards the batsman; the ball taking an amusingly aerial trajectory with little in the way of pace or guile. In fact, in Mr. Mann’s laconic eye, a pie-man’s delivery offered absolutely nothing other than a slow moving target with “hit me” tattooed on it’s lacquered surface. Pie was the lowest form of bowling, pie was the turd of bowlingism; a type of bowling that should be outlawed as both pointless and an insult to anyone striving to bowl properly and take genuine cricketing wickets.

 

 

James’ win on the horses bought him a new telescopic camera.

 

There are many gurus of pie out there who ply their trades in Sunday cricket; ruining the hopes and aspirations of many a budding batsman. These men who have laughed themselves stupid from the sidelines as the bowler tosses up another baked special, pissed themselves having seen a few gobbled and smacked out the ground, and then made a complete and utter prick out of themselves as they swipe at one themselves, miss it, and hear the gentle click of a bail being dislodged. Oh, the shame… it can take many years for a batsman to recover from the humiliation of being bowled by a pie-man. Sometimes he never can recover from the degradation. How can he face his peers and explain how he got out to “that shit”? The trouble is with pie, it’s a double-edged sword, because if you distribute it into surrounding fields and housing estates like pie should be, your team mates will simply tell you “it was shit, and it needed a damn good thrashing. You only did what you should have”. But get yourself out… “dear, oh dear, oh dear, what were you doing out there, you dozy twat? Haha.”

 

With the visit of OUP to the Far From The MCC’s home ground of Brasenose this Sunday, it offered up a wonderful chance to see some pie-chucking first hand. Having locked his son in the attic of his house, skipper M. Westmoreland confidently brought about another successful coin toss (3 on the bounce without young Daniel’s presence) and chose to bat first on a worn, but otherwise decent looking track. It was decent as it wasn’t like the pot-holed crap you get at Cholsey, or the feather-bed trampolines you get at Blenheim, but it was very very slow. So slow, that the skipper (5) played a fortnight too early and was caught spooning a drive to mid off. 11 for 1.

 

 

Joe Puppy goes on a search for pie.

 

D. Edwards was once again joined at the crease by I. Howarth. These two contrasting batsmen have seemingly forged a stable batting relationship this season out of ignoring each other’s advice, laughing at each other’s shot selections, and amusing the fielders with their “yes, no, yes, no, wait, go on, no no NO” calls when it comes to moving their lazy backsides from one end of the wicket to the other. Edwards, always the steelier of the two, fixing the bowler with a glare from under his helmet, much like a soldier on horseback; and Howarth, the more casual of the pair, often to be found spending most his time leaning on his bat handle at the non-strikers end without a care in the world. Today, like other occasions in the 2009 campaign, they rallied the Mad score along to set a sound foundation.

 

Pie-man example #1:  A. Ball (4-0-25-0)  -  Pie Rating  7/10

 

Mr. Ball was introduced into the OU attack after their opening salvo failed to bite into the Mad batting spine. His left-arm round the wicket sugary apple pies did actually grip and spin away to slip; although these were few and far between. Some never got a chance to pitch, whilst others were met on the bounce with a slap of the bat. Howarth deposited one such sugary morsel behind the sightscreen for a maximum, whilst Edwards would nurdle his pastries into open spaces, often savouring the lightly cooked exterior.

 

Pie-man example #2:  S. Allen (7-0-31-1)  -  Pie rating  5.5/10

 

S. Allen, or “Silky” to his mates, would be terminally offended at being bracketed with the pie-chucking contingent of Sunday cricket, and it should be noted that he is an unorthadox right-arm leg spinner, whose crazy action is much in the same mould as Edwards himself, so he’s not really a pie chucker in the truest sense (though Edwards can sometimes be branded as such). But Silky does have a dollopy cream bun in his armoury that glides in an arc outside off, does nothing, pleads with you to twat it, and then gets summarily larruped all over the surrounding trees. Howarth carted the dollopy aperitif on a few such moments, whilst Edwards helped himself to the custard surprise (similar delivery) a half dozen times, before finally reaching maximum capacity and puiking the pastry to short square leg (out for 32).

 

 

I. Howarth demonstrating the “northern” forward defensive.

 

Pie-man example #3:  D. Manley (4-1-30-0)  -  Pie rating  9/10

 

Mr. Manley was introduced into the OU attack shortly after Edwards’ demise (100-2), and his right-arm round the wicket pie-chucking was right up there with Lord Pukka himself. These gourmet steak offerings were given plenty of air, with the sole hope of them dropping sharply in front of leg stump (similar to someone throwing themselves off the top of a block of flats). Some did drop alarmingly, which gave new batsman S. Dobner the kittens (he’s not big on steak, preferring chicken and mushroom), others didn’t land, which Howarth lent the long handle to and found his gut expanding alarmingly.

 

Pie-man example #4:  D. Emerson (7-1-28-2)  -  Pie rating  5/10

 

It maybe somewhat surprising to many that Mr. Emerson’s name be broached during a pie-chucking assessment, but “Diamond” Dave does possess a much slower ball in his medium pace itinerary. This slower ball, the glazed mince pie, can sometimes fool the batsman into thinking it does do something. It doesn’t do anything. It’s just slow and occasionally baked to perfection with a nice crisp finish. Nobody ate one on Sunday, but Howarth (75) did miss a slightly slower half-tracker to get castled – this was the children’s small mince pie sideline Dave was selling to boost his sales figures.

 

 

D. Emerson delivers his glazed mince pie.

 

The Mad innings finished on 182-3, with Dobner (16*) and JP Collins (17*) marching back to the pavilion for tea after successfully protecting their averages, and each of them looking a little swelled around the gut. There was no pie on offer from Dan the groundsman (and tea-making extraordinaire), but there was a nice spread of tasty mini-sausage rolls that could easily have been baked by the absent I. Leggate (protégé of veteran Club Pie-master, A. Fisher). Other members of the Mad team who never got a bat moaned under their collective breath about being starved of the chance to sample some pie.

 

When it came to the Mad’s turn to take the field, Martin was reticent about opening the bakery at first, opening up with the accurate in-swinging efforts of D. Shorten (5-0-13-1) and the unpredictable over-slowing concerns of JP Collins (7-0-32-3). It seemed to do the trick, and a fragile looking OUP batting line up caved in at 58 for 4.

 

 

“It’s okay, darling – hide here. Dad will soon have finished his bowling.”

 

Pie-man example #5:  J. Hoskins (6-0-14-2)  -  Pie rating  7/10

 

Connoisseurs of pie were delighted at the introduction of one J. Hoskins before the drinks interval. James, having started out in his career as pure pie, has since adapted his range of stock to boast one of the most inviting shop windows in Sunday cricket. The caramelised mince and onion supreme (a lobbed fluffy pastry affair), usually chucked after “the dart” (a quickly cooked tart) is such an appetising offering, that “Silky” Allen (0) will not be the last Sunday cricketer scooping the crumbs to mid off and looking a cock. Neither will J. Thompson (2), bowled, not even taking a bite.

 

In skipper C. Heron (43), the OUP had at least one batsman of proven class, and one with whom they might’ve wrestled an unlikely victory if he’d stayed at the crease until the end. But he didn’t – M. Reeves’ (7-1-29-1) gentle left-armers did for him as he misjudged one that stayed low. With Chris gone, OUP hopes were in tatters.

 

Pie-man example #6:  T. Smith (4-0-8-2)  -  Pie rating  8.5/10

 

With the OUP ship listing badly towards the bakery, Mr. Smith was entrusted with the oven and wasted no time in cooking up a storm. His vegetarian economy thick-crust deceived A. Ball (6) in the taste, and the obdurate D. Manley (7) was last out attempting to swallow one of the pies whole (a great one-handed catch by S. Dobner (5-0-23-0) at fine leg). OUP all out for 126.

 

 

Mr. Morley holds court at the Fines Committee.

 

It turned out to be a resounding victory for Team Moo in the end; and as he grows into the role of The New Supremo, his understanding of the World of Pie improves proportionally. Pie will always have a place in Sunday cricket, despite the current climate of health-scares and obesity; and as A. Fisher slides another tray into the oven - just please don’t anybody tell The Ant.

 

 

‘Pukka Pie-Man’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto's Scorecard

Match Fines

 

 

MOTM:  I. Howarth’s entertaining 75

Champagne Moment:  S. Dobner’s fine diving one-handed catch

Buffet Award:  S. Dobner’s Essex pizza recipe

 

 

 

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