Far From The
MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Alternative Sporting Pursuit
Inspector’s Report”
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Sunday 24th May
2009 |
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Result: Victory for the |
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Venue: |
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18 hole |
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As
an experienced and qualified Alternative Sporting Pursuit Inspector, it has
been my privilege over the years to inspect a large number of alternative sports arranged by a group
of individuals the world over after their original
sporting endeavour failed to materialise. As was the case with the Oxfordshire
cricketing outfit the Far From The MCC this Sunday gone; whose opponents the
OUP could only field a duck, four rabbits and a stray dog for the proposed
game. As a fallback plan, the cricketers opted to test their collective guile
on a nearby 18-hole golf course.
The Mad Alternative Sporting
Pursuit Collective VIII. As
all connoisseurs know, there are three key elements which interplay to
provide a quality day out on a typical golf course – a rich and varied
landscape, challenging conditions, and an excellent camaraderie with your
fellow golfers after a few pre-match drinks at Hole #19. I’m delighted to
report that the The
FFTMCC gentlemen split their party into two bite-sized manageable chunks after
first watering the flower beds on the first tee. S. Dobner quickly set the
pace for Group “A” in the face of extreme heckling, and surprised all with
his clean hitting and poise around the greens. T Smith was also quick out of the
blocks, finding the green on a par 3 with eloquent ease; alas his form was to
tail off as the day wore on – as was his supply of organic roll-ups.
No-one realised Nick had such a
love of beaches. I.
Howarth was also in fine form; finding the water without any problems
whatsoever, his only blemish coming when a tree diverted a sliced effort into
a bunker. N. Hebbes, by his own admission “a true amateur” at this
Alternative Sporting Pursuit malarkey, amused all by carding a 16 on one
sizeable par 4; the groups of players waiting patiently behind him found it
less amusing…. I
didn’t track Group “B” as closely as I should, but I did note that M.
Westmoreland played with great maturity and immense responsibility; his score
would have been far lower if he stopped pulling the ball to leg. D. Shorten,
resplendent in his tight arse-hugging brown chinos, backed up his claims to
be a good slogger
of the ball – his only real problem lying with finesse around the green (1s
and 2s in cricketing parlance).
D. Shorten models his fashionable
brown chinos. J.
Hoskins looked every inch the footballer as he used the full width of the
course to further his round; he certainly found no problems in driving the
ball – a past master in not moving
his feet when delivering a blow. D. Emerson, his head moving through various
shades of rouge as the sun became brighter, gave off glimpses of needing a
pit-stop for alcohol. Occasionally he played some golf, but mostly he stared
into the rippling horizon at the club house bar. There
is always drama in a day, and it unfolded as early as the 9th hole
when a text message bleeped on N. Hebbes’ mobile phone. The fact he carried
it around the course was a disgrace in itself, but to inform all his missus now required the family car was scraping the barrel. The timing of the incident
was unfortunate, as Nick’s retirement after the 10th came with him
finally parring a hole.
Steve’s stamina was questionable,
similar to his batting. The
drama didn’t stop there however, as Leaderboard
challenger S. Dobner would collapse with crippling stomach cramps on the 15th
fairway. He had complained most vehemently of not feeling too well as early
as when he turned up for the day, but “nobody gave a shit” apparently. He was
thankfully revived on the spot, but played no further part in the action as
his motorised golf bag on wheels ferried him back to the car park. The
finish to the round of golf was accompanied with almost unbearable tension,
with 5 of the remaining cast of characters notching maiden hundreds for the
season. But, as is often the case, true responsible northern grit won out in
the end and M. Westmoreland was left clutching the coveted Alternative
Sporting Pursuit Memorial Trophy.
Captain. Treasurer. So
an excellent day out, and I left the course to the sound of Mr. Dobner
pebble-dashing the side of his car; strange I thought – I quite liked the
existing finish to his motor…? ‘ASP Inspector’ |
