Far From The MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Act 25”
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Sunday 13th
September 2009 |
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Result: Lost |
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Venue: |
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40 Overs |
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Far From The MCC |
156 - 9 |
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M. Reeves 53,
D. Edwards 38, S. Dobner
25 |
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Wayfarers |
157 - 7 |
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J. Hoskins 4 - 26,
S. Dobner 3 - 42 |
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Scene 1
“Hey, Molly – check out the size
of Mike Reeves’ head!” D. Edwards and T.
Smith are sitting in a pub, nursing full pints, reading newspapers Smith: [reading aloud] “I’m 25
and a virgin. I don’t have a problem
getting girls back to my bedsit, but then I don’t know what to do.” Edwards: Read the manual? Smith: Maybe book a room in a hotel? [Enter
stage right: J. Hotson] Hotson: Dude. Anyone need a drink? Smith: No, we’re all good mate. Edwards: Let me get you one mate, it’s my round. Hotson: No, you’ve done the round, I’ll get
my own – it’s all good mate. [Enter
stage right: D. Emerson] Emerson: Dude.
Can I get anyone a drink? Hotson: I think we’re all ok. Edwards: Let me get you one mate, it’s my round. Emerson: I wouldn’t want to make you get up
mate, I’ll sort myself out. [Enter
stage right: J. Hoskins] Hoskins: Dude.
Who needs a drink? Emerson: I think we all just got one. Edwards: Let me get you one mate, it’s my round. Hoskins: Cheers mate, I’ll have a Stella. Emerson: [noticing
the papers] Who bought the Daily
Hate Mail? Smith: Er… I think they belong to the
pub.
The ball had already passed A.
Fisher by…. Scene
2 Boundaryside at a
cricket game. S. Dobner is padding
up. M. Westmoreland (6) is removing an
Aussie-green helmet. Dobner: Did that nip back in at you mate? Westmoreland: Don’t think so – just played the
wrong line to a straight one. Dobner: Were you beaten for pace? Westmoreland: No.
I was worrying about the sandwiches – whether they’d be up to scratch. Dobner: I wouldn’t worry about it. Half their team are on Ramadan anyway. Westmoreland: Bit late now. [pauses] How’s young Amy getting on? Dobner: Looking handy with the bat, but not
quite there yet with the catching. Westmoreland: Bit like you then. Dobner: [pauses] How’s young Daniel getting on? Westmoreland: Seems more interested in football –
he’s becoming a throw-in specialist.
Probably the greatest hat skimmer
this team has ever known. Scene 3 The
middle at a cricket game. M. Reeves is
facing Bowler 2’s off breaks. D.
Edwards is at the non-strikers end where J. Hotson is umpiring. Edwards: That other bowler’s quite nippy isn’t
he? Hotson: Maybe, but you’re looking solid –
just keep steering the ball to the boundary – all day mate. Bowler
2: [bowling] Aargh! Too short! [Reeves
dispatches the ball into the trees between the ground and adjacent flats] Edwards: Those trees could do with lopping. Who do I need to speak to to get the gig
here? Reeves: Yeah, they really obscure the view
from the flats. It’s not like The Oval
is it? Bowler
2: [bowling] Howzat?! Hotson: It pitched outside leg. Bowler
2: I really should bowl round the
wicket to the left-hander, but I’m too old to change my ways. [bowling] Aargh!
Too wide! Reeves: [cover-driving
for four] Did I just sell this bat
for a tenner? Interval A
cricket scoreboard shows 87 for 1 from 20 overs. Soft
drinks will be available from the bar.
D. Edwards aims at the invisible
ball. Scene 4 At the top of the
stairs outside a cricket pavilion. M. Westmoreland
and M. Bullock are scoring. T. Smith
and S. Dobner are padded up. A. Fisher
and J. Hotson are taking light refreshments.
T. Smith has already had too many refreshments. A. Morley is writing poetry. Fisher: Reevesy’s batting really well. Hotson: Yes, with great fluidity. Bullock: Could be his day for a ton. Dobner: He’s a class batsman when he gets
the chance. Westmoreland: I knew it was going to be his day
today. [M.
Reeves (53) is clean bowled next ball] ALL: [general hysteria] Smith: Wish me luck, boys. [Exit
stage right: T. Smith. Enter stage
right: M. Reeves] Morley: It’s all their fault you were out. ALL: Well batted mate. Reeves: Thanks. I’m putting up the price on that bat now. Hotson: [observing
the game] Thorn does have a nice swing
of the bat and follow-through. Fisher: It’s the only chance of swinging
he gets. Morley: Or follow-through. Bullock: [watching
the next ball] It’d be even better
if he connected with the ball. [Smith
finally connects with one] ALL: [loudly] Shot, Thorn. [Smith
(9) is clean bowled] Hotson: What’s he doing? Bullock: Checking that he was really out, I
think. Fisher: But all three stumps are lying
flat on the ground. Westmoreland: He’s still listening to his MP3
player – obviously didn’t hear the tinkle of bails. Morley: Probably thought it was part of the
drum ’n’ bass track he was listening to. Dobner: Wish me luck, boys. Westmoreland: You don’t need luck mate. Dobner: Thanks, but I beg to differ. Hotson: No mate, you’ve found form now. [Exit
stage right: S. Dobner. Enter stage
right: T. Smith. M. Bullock leaves the
scorers table to pad up, and is replaced by M. Reeves] Westmoreland: Good effort mate, right attitude. Smith: Sorry. Three cans of Stella is just right – five
is too many. Westmoreland: Anyway, you’ve kept us on track for
a total of 200 plus. Double the score
at half-way, and add 20%. [S.
Dobner and D. Edwards proceed to prod and poke, Dobner picking up the odd
boundary from a leg-side nurdle.] Westmoreland: [muttering] Come on guys, plenty of batting to
come. We want to get to 200. [shouting
to the middle] Nobody cares about
your average. Hotson: I think Westmoreland: Well, when you’re captain, you can
dictate the batting order. Fisher: Actually, I think they’re doing
very well. These bowlers are at least
as good as the opening pair – they’re not giving anything away. Last thing we want is a middle-order collapse,
which has happened every other game this season. [D.
Edwards (38) is clean bowled] Westmoreland: At least he was playing an attacking
shot at that one. [Exit
stage right: M. Bullock. Enter stage
right: D. Edwards] ALL: Well batted mate. Edwards: Did I get past 42? Reeves: No, 38 Edwards: Is that all? Bloody hell. It’s tough going out there. They’re decent bowlers. Westmoreland: Tell me about it mate. [Enter
stage right: D. Emerson] Emerson: I’ve had enough umpiring. I need to pad up soon. Besides, I need a beer. Westmoreland: Well while you’re down there, can
you put the score up, it’s 124 for 4 off 34 – well it will be at the end of
this over. Can someone else umpire? Reeves: [after
long silence] I’ll go. Can you handle the scoring on your own? Westmoreland: Cheers mate, appreciated. [Exit
stage right: M. Reeves] Smith: How many balls did Dan face? Westmoreland: Don’t know mate – wasn’t counting
balls. Fisher: Am I in after Morlers? Westmoreland: Yes. Hotson: Who’s in after Ade? Westmoreland: [cobbing] Can you all stop asking me questions for a
minute – I need to fill in this fall-of-wicket.
“No paparazzi, please!” Scene
5 The middle at a
cricket game. S. Dobner (25) has
played a few shots but finally succumbed.
M. Bullock (0) and A. Morley (0) have both departed without troubling
the scorer. Bowler 6 is bowling the
final over. D. Emerson is facing, with
A. Fisher at the non-strikers end where M. Reeves is umpiring. [Bowler
6 bowls] Emerson: [punching
to long on] Yeah, go on. Fisher: [looking over shoulder]
Two there mate – push! [The
throw isn’t gathered cleanly and Fisher makes it. Emerson nurdles the next ball to fine leg] Fisher: Yes! Emerson: Easy single, no pressure. Fisher: [pushing next ball to midwicket]
Yes! Run! [Bowler
6 gathers the ball behind the stumps.
A. Fisher (3) is run out. Exit
stage left: A. Fisher. Enter stage
left: J. Hoskins. D. Emerson (6no)
swings and misses] Hoskins [backing
up] Yes! Run! [The
throw from the keeper misses the stumps.
Hoskins is facing the last ball] Reeves: Do you want a guard? Hoskins: No, I’ll be fine. [Bowler
6 bowls; Hoskins (0) swings the bat but is clean bowled. Exeunt stage left: ALL] Interval A cricket scoreboard
shows a first innings total of 156 for 9 from 40 overs. A
selection of sandwiches, pastries, cakes and soft drinks will be available
from the pavilion during this interval, free of charge. Those fasting during daylight hours are
encouraged to take a doggy-bag for consumption after sunset.
M. Reeves (53) is astonished his
bat still scores runs. Scene
6 An empty cricket
field. Two sets of stumps stand at
each end of the wicket, complete with bails.
Enter stage left, in dribs and drabs and no particular order: in
fielding attire, M. Bullock, S. Dobner, D. Edwards, D. Emerson, A. Fisher, J.
Hoskins, A. Morley, M. Reeves, T. Smith and M. Westmoreland; in wicketkeeping
attire, J.Hotson; in batting attire inscribed ‘Oxford Academy’, Batsman 1 and
Batsman 2; and in umpiring attire, Umpire 1 and Umpire 2. Batsman
1: Can I get two please? Umpire
1: That’s spot on two. Batsman
1: Can I get middle please? Umpire
1: That’s spot on middle,
too. Do you want one, four and five as
well? Emerson: [bowls
wide down leg-side] Aargh, shit! Batsman
2: Yes! [Hotson
gathers] No! Umpire
1: Wide ball. Dobner: If you hadn’t said ‘shit’ you might
have got away with it. Emerson: Jeez – doubt it – that was worse than
Steve Harmison. [bowls on a length just outside off-stump, and is pulled for four] Bastard! Hotson: Nothing wrong with that ball mate,
could have gone to hand. [Emerson
bowls a yorker which is dug out] Batsman
2: Yes! [Edwards
shies at stumps but misses] Hotson: Plenty of chances boys, it’s coming. Westmoreland: Eyes open guys. On the one. Emerson: [bowls
on a length on off-stump; Batsman 2 charges down the pitch and drives, just
over Westmoreland at mid-on] You
fucker! Batsman
1: [as Westmoreland gathers ball]
Three! Westmoreland: [missing
stumps with throw] Jeez, do they
think it’s Twenty20? Fisher: They probably want to knock ’em
off before it gets dark. Smith: Or they get too hungry. Fisher: Keep it going Dave, you’re bowling
fine. Emerson: Yeah, they’re just too good for me. [M.
Reeves begins the second over from the pavilion end, bowls just full of a
length outside off-stump and is driven through mid-off for four. The next ball is almost a carbon-copy and
they pick up two.] Westmoreland: [to
Smith returning to position] Can
you stay just there. Morlers, can you
move across to mid-wicket. Dan, can
you come out of slip? [The
next ball is driven along the ground, straight to Smith at mid-off] Hoskins: Dot ball’s a good ball. Morley: Good field placement. Dobner: Yeah, they’re behind the run-rate
now. Reeves: [bowls
on off-stump; is flicked to the leg-side boundary] I can’t bowl against this kind of batting,
it’s ridiculous. [Time
passes. Two difficult catches are put
down. Three direct-hit run-out chances
are missed. Dobner replaces Emerson at
the Bartlemas Close end, with Hoskins replacing Reeves at the pavilion
end. The scoreboard shows 99 without
loss after 10 overs. Five red
aeroplanes cross low overhead in formation, followed by four more.] Bullock: Did you order those Hoskers? Hoskins: Course I did. Bullock: It’s been like the Red Arrows all
through this innings. Westmoreland: Eddie would be proud. Fisher: At least we’ll get to the pub
early. Dobner: And we’ll get home before the kids
get stroppy. Edwards: Just need a breakthrough guys – we can
turn it round. Hoskins: One brings five. Hotson: And five brings ten. [Hoskins
bowls on a length on middle, and is punched to the midwicket boundary] Hotson: You’ve got him playing across the
line now. Batsman
1: [chuckles] Fisher: Come on
Best-Bowler-The-Mad-Has-Ever-Had, what’s you’re answer? [Hoskins
bowls on a length on middle; Batsman 1 repeats the shot, but misses the ball
and is clean bowled] ALL: Well done mate. Westmoreland: Thank god for that – was getting
embarrassing. Hoskins: One brings five. Hotson: Five brings ten.
With Steve Dobner bowling,
the spectators take extra precautions. [Dobner
bowls the next over. Batsman 3 slogs
the ball towards long on. Westmoreland
runs in a figure of 8, leaps in the air 10 feet backwards, and comes back up
ball aloft] Dobner: Well done mate. You’d have made it easier for yourself if
you’d stayed where you were. Westmoreland: Yeah, that would have been boring
though. Hoskins: What did I tell you – one brings five. Westmoreland: James, it’s only two so far. Hoskins: They’re coming. [rubbing
hands together] I can feel it in
my bones. [Batsman
4 swings across the line and is clean bowled by Dobner] Hoskins: See! Dobner: If they carry on playing like that
you might be right. [Bastman
5 blocks out the remainder of the over, and continues in this vein while
Batsman 2 carries on smashing the ball off a length to the legside boundary…] [Hoskins
bowls a well-flighted delivery.
Batsman 5 punches to long on.
Fisher runs in, and chests the ball down into his waiting hands.] Fisher: I couldn’t drop that one. Bullock: Congratulations James on a new record. Edwards: Is that it – the magic 28? Well done mate. Smith: Well done mate – knew you would
do it. ALL: [general congratulation] Hoskins: Now I’m officially the best bower the
Mad has ever had. [Hoskins
bowls, Batsman 6 charges down the pitch and is struck on the pad] Hoskins: Howzat! Umpire
2: [raising finger] Looks
good to me. Hoskins: What did I tell you? One brings five! Bullock: Another new record. Westmoreland: The last one didn’t last long – must
be easy to beat. Edwards: Hat-trick ball, dude. Westmoreland: On the one everyone. Edwards: As close as you feel comfortable. Morley: I’m comfortable enough here. [Hoskins
bowls; Batsman 7 is struck on the pad on the back foot.] Hoskins: Howzat! Umpire
2: Sorry, can’t give you that one
as well. [They
scamper through for a leg-bye. Hoskins
now bowls at Batsman 2, who charges down the pitch, has an almighty heave,
but misjudges the line and is bowled] Emerson: Thank god you got the fucker out –
well done mate. Smith: Well bowled mate. Dobner: Seriously, we’ve got a chance now,
we’re into the tail. Fisher: I suspect most of them can bat
though. Dobner: If they bat like the top order I’ll
be more than happy. [Dobner
bowls; Batsman 7 drives towards long on.
Westmoreland rushes in, slides forward, and takes a good catch low
down] Fisher: [chuckling] Granted, it
could still happen. Emerson: Great catch mate, worthy of some
champagne. Westmoreland:
We can still do this – just
need 3 more wickets before they get 17 more runs. Smith: Got to be in it to win it. [How
the game proceeds from here is of the directors choosing. In the actual game, Dobner (8-0-42-3) and
Hoskins (8-2-26-4) completed their spells, with Reeves (5-0-35-0) and Emerson
(4.2-0-50-0) returning but still without luck. There were no further dramatic incidents;
the game just slipped away as easily as it had come within reach, with
Wayfarers eventual winners by 3 wickets.]
Here’s to you, Judge – a
timely report some 6 months late. After
the performance, a full range of beers, ciders, lagers and beers will be
available from the ‘Judge Dredd’ |
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No
Fines on this Day |
MOTM: M. Reeves’ fifty
Champagne Moment: M.
Westmoreland’s catch
Buffet Award: D.
Emerson’s