Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

“Youth Policy

Inspires Mad Resurgence”

Friday 25^th June 2010
Result: Won by 6 Wkts
Venue: Mansfield Road
20 overs
Bodleian	143 – 6
J. Pearson 2 - 17, J. Hoskins 2 - 18
FFTMCC	144 – 4
D. Edwards 32*, I. Leggate 31*, D. Emerson 30*

In a bold and inspired move to help resurrect recent flagging fortunes, deputy Mad skipper, S. Dobner, fast-tracked young 11 year old Jack Cox into the team to contest a Twenty20 match against old foes the Bodleian. When questioned by the waiting media to explain his selection policy, Steve was quick to admonish any negative feedback by stipulating that “young Jack is just the kind of opportunistic cricketer we need in the field. In recent weeks we have experienced countless inept fielding displays, and suffered many injuries due in part to the majority of the team being geriatric arsewipes. Both myself, and the management of this club, feel it is time to breathe new life into the team, and open up a new chapter in Far From The MCC history. Young Jack will inspire those around him, and in doing so, the performance levels of the team will spike accordingly. He is the future, and we must endorse this fully. I am the man in charge; and if anyone has any problems with my decision, I see there is nice big car park adjoining this ground where we can discuss it further.”

University students enjoy the evening’s game.

A beautiful summer’s evening saw Mr. Dobner win the toss, and elect to field first in front of packed Mansfield Road terraces. The crowd had been swelled by the university club’s decision to screen World Cup football, and as result, a carnival atmosphere was in evidence as the Bodleian went out to bat. Perhaps affected by the volume of support, D. Emerson (4-0-30-1) started his spell by throwing down two lots of 5 wides. He pulled things around nicely by snaring M. Neely for a duck. Quoted afterwards, he added “I saw young Jack just staring at me after those wides. It was withering look, almost like ‘c’mon, Dave – you useless fuck, pull your socks up’. He just inspired me, and I immediately found my rhythm.” Faring less well at the other end, N. Hebbes copped a bumming, as his four overs were discarded for 38 runs in an almost disparaging manner. Said Hebbes “it was not good, the ball just wouldn’t come out properly; and of course I made the mistake of ignoring young Jack’s advice at mid on, to pitch the ball up. Sorry guys.”

J. Pearson (left) prevents his head from falling onto Jake’s back.

The Bodleian run spree was temporarily halted by the 30 run retirement of D. Yousuf, and the introduction of wily pie-chucker, J. Hoskins. James, seemingly back to his best form, went through his repertoire of varying patisserie, nipping out J. Shaw (18) and E. Ball (1) in the process. “I thought I bowled really well,“ James declared afterwards. “Knowing my place was under threat because of the club’s youth policy, it’s taken my game to a new level. I must now be the greatest pie-chucker that this team has ever seen.” A. Milner also retired after reaching the 30 run mark, after helping himself to the confectionary delights of C. Roberts’ (2-0-22-0) well stocked fudge shop. Chris, quick to hold his arms up, was full of praise for young Jack Cox stating “that kid probably saved me a good dozen or so runs in the field, I really did bowl like my mum today. Sorry.”

J. Pearson bowled with his usual controlled rhythm.

At 103-2 after 12 overs, the Bodleian must have dreamt of impossible scores, but unfortunately for the hosts, J. Pearson (4-0-17-2) found his length immediately and did for M. Costabeys (10) and A. McKinnon (11). “I’m a natural athlete,” James later admitted “but knowing young Jack was covering all areas of the pitch with his tiger-like enthusiasm, it just seemed to inject me with confidence.” Less inclined to listen to the prompting and wisdom of young Jack, was J. Hotson on stumping duty. “I really should have given the young chap my ear; but of course I always know best, and ended up copping a ball in my fucking mouth again.” Jake retired from the game to indulge in a 24 hour sulkathon and left T. Smith to deputise for the remaining 7 overs. Thornton did listen to Jack, and as a consequence, his keeping was elevated from atrocious to pretty effective.

J. Hotson spent the last 90 minutes of the game having a sulking cob.

D. Edwards (2-0-11-1) would wrap things up after 20, his impression of a bowling threshing machine temporarily bamboozling the Bodleian batsmen and stalling their innings on 143 for 6. S. Ackland, skipper for the Bods, mused afterwards “that the score was maybe 20 or so less than we would have envisaged after such a good start, but our opponents really came back into the game in the latter stages. That young fellow out in the covers must have shaved at least 80 runs off the total on his own! Quite extraordinary. I think we Bodsters need to copy this Mad blueprint for success. The exuberance of youth is clearly the key to a more rounded and polished display in the field.”

A balloon rises in the distance as D. Edwards steers to leg.

The mid-innings interval allowed both sets of players an ideal time-window to rehydrate, and unsurprisingly twenty one of them ordered a drink from the bar. Cider and lager seemed to be the preferred tipple, whereas young Jack Cox opted for coke and ice and nudged his skipper. “Steve,” he queried “why do the rest of the team insist on drinking alcohol during games? It clearly has a detrimental effect on their cricketing reflexes.” Looking wistfully into space, Dobner reflected that “the team are just a bunch of pissheads, Jack. Their now regular failings in all departments of the game are sad symptoms of this alcoholic necessity. You stick to your coke, son – you are the future, and you lead by example.” Steve then rested back in his aluminium chair and sank the remaining contents of his pint of Stella.

In reply to the Bodleian total, C. Roberts (7) fell early in his unfamiliar role of Mad opening bat. “Real shame,” muttered Bob “I felt in good nick out there, but maybe I should have taken Jack up on his offer of throwing me down some deliveries during the tea-break – get my eye in etc. Humph, I just ignored him….”

I. Leggate’s decision to bat sober reaped dividends.

What followed next was a bizarre passage of play, though not completely alien to this particular fixture, where the Mad 2^nd wicket realised 115 runs in 13 overs. What made it odd, was that no less than five different batsmen played their part in completing this milestone. D. Emerson (30*) and I. Leggate (31*) both retired after welcome knocks with the bat, as did D. Edwards (32*) who appeared to revel in the middle order. The skipper (21*) chipped in with his own valuable contribution, and only T. Smith (4) let the partnership down when C. Roberts, umpiring, sent him packing with a shrug of the shoulders. Speaking later, Ian Leggate was quick to underline the new ethos of positivity. “We’re all under huge pressure to perform now. All of us. Just looking across the changing room at young Jack has made me realise I need to stand up and be counted. No pills, no pints and no acid before match day – not anymore. A cup of tea in the evening and I’m straight off to bed.”

Young Jack Cox gives Dan advice on his umpiring.

Maybe Thorn’s dismissal (lbw) was a way of getting the Mad’s junior protégé to the wicket? If only to sate the vast audiences desire to see this kid bat. Out came young Jack Cox at number 7, and if not for some unpredictable bounce and sublime Bodleian fielding, he would surely have registered a fifty on debut. As it was, he got an unplayable delivery that swung and seamed, before clipping the top of off to leave the young star saddened and exiting for nought. His response was exemplary. “I shan’t be throwing my bat and having a so-called cob. I was undone by a delivery of unquestionable guile, and as such, I can only learn from this setback as I build towards my eventual inclusion in the England test team.” Packed terraces applauded the young man as he left the field of play.

“So, Jack – you think I need to concentrate more, huh? Hmm. Thanks.”

With shadows now arcing slowly across the ground, it was all left to S. Dobner to guide his team home with the help of Hoskins (4) and Pearson (3*). “A fine victory” he would later explain at a press interview. “I feel utterly vindicated in my decision to bolster our team with the emerging talent from our Youth Academy. Jack was an inspiration today, and I know for a fact, that many of the guys are now very aware they’re fighting for their places. Keen competition in the ranks is only good for the club as a whole. I’m the man in charge, and the buck rests with me.”

S. Dobner (left), looks the part as skipper with his hands in his pockets.

* * *

Meanwhile, out in Venice, Italy; M. Westmoreland, enjoying a sabbatical with his family, would receive text updates of his team’s success in his absence. He read through the messages and glanced down to young Daniel in the gondolier “Dan – you need to cut out the fish fingers and mash, son, and get yourself into shape! It’s time to inch you into the team. A young man of 4 years old can make an instant impact if young Jack Cox is anything to go by; and besides, I’m tired of dealing with the emotionally retarded excuses for inadequacy on a weekly basis.”

The dye is cast. We thank you Jack Cox, for enlightening us with your unassuming and youthfully robust presence; and proving beyond the pale, what a bunch of graceless, bone-weary pissheads we really are.

‘Stuart Pearce’

*

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Statto's Scorecard

No Fines on this Day

MOTM: I. Leggate’s inspired innings

Champagne Moment: D. Emerson’s four cum six

Buffet Award: C. Roberts’ marmalade sandwiches

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