Far From The
MCC
~ Est. in 1998 ~
“Player Rating’s
Report”
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Thursday 12th –
15th August 2010 |
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Result: Enlightening |
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Venue: Sidmouth, |
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40 Over Matches |
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The cast of characters from Mad
Tour 2010. The
Far From The MCC’s tour of Sidmouth,
* * * Name: Matt Bullock Rating: 1 for 16
The
ultimate tour professional. Matt
has stamina in abundance when it comes to the inaugural day of tour on the
piss; often being left alone at the bar in the early hours of the morning
whereby he finishes off and trawls the kebab houses looking for lost team mates who never made it back
to their hotel rooms. His drinking prowess is legendary, and so it should be
for the Chairman of CAMRA and chairman of our club. Despite a lack of cricket
due to his elusive Mad Top Trump card not being picked, Warnie was stoically upbeat
about drinking before, during and after anything that got in the way of
drinking. He bowled against Uplyme, and the
evidence supplied by photo suggests nobody would ever win a Spot The Cricket Ball contest
featuring Mr. Bullock (see above). His grading is slightly lowered by
triggering Ben after the latter kept him up all night acting out his own take
on Fear And Loathing in Las Sidmouth. Amusing and insightful, Matt’s inclusion on
tour somehow always makes the trip seem whole. * * * Name: Steve Dobner Rating: #3 in the IBF Cruiserweight Division
So
nearly the hero, Steve’s decision to get caught on the boundary hitting the
winning runs at Honiton plunged him into a darkened abyss not seen since the
heady days of the club rumble’s at the Madding Crowd pub. Such was the twist
in his mindset, family maturity gave way to a brooding menace of old, and
he’d regularly start each day with a whisky at 10.30am looking for a rise
from anyone in earshot. After threatening the wellbeing of D. * * * Name: Dan Edwards Rating: 42 + 5
Spellcaster cut a sometimes lonely figure without his
black rabid * * * Name: Dave Rating: 0 for 49
Another
tour debutant, at least in Mad guise, the likeable Kiwi had professed a
desire pre-tour to being a part of some of the endless tour folklore he’d had to listen to since joining the club. Have
no worries on that front, Dave – you did yourself proud. On arrival in Sidmouth, Wonky slipped through the gears of alcoholism
as he took on the burden of being the first tour skipper. He was later woken
up at the bar of The Marine to be escorted back his B&B to foul his bed.
Undeterred, Our Dave steadied his
nerves the next morning with 4 pints of cider before completely losing the
plot. It may go down as one of the most infamous tenures in Mad Captaincy,
but it was certainly one of the most amusing – so we thank you for that, Dave,
it was a virtuoso performance that will live long in our hearts. Retribution
of sorts was served on the final leg of the trip, with Diamond guesting for the opposition; he confounded all by twatting his team mates all over the * * * Name: Nick Hebbes Rating: 45 out of 184
Solid
resolute performance from one the Mad’s greatest cricketing tourists. His form in * * * Name: James Hoskins Rating: 50 out of 184
Where
d’you start with James? He
organised the tour, he organised the Mad Tour Olympics, he organised the
impromptu day off at Sidmouth CC due to the
overnight rain, and he even organised a near
successful run-chase at Honiton CC after notching his maiden fifty with a Mongoose inspired wonder show. Off the
field JMO provided a virtuoso gambling performance in bankrupting several
betting shops, and was more than happy to shell some of his gains on a
hundred rounds of ale. James was the heartbeat of Tour Mad, and it was
somehow fitting that the eventual winner (I. Howarth) of the said Madolymps would
acknowledge his efforts and hand him back the prize of a new Mongoose Bat.
James does lose a grade however by showing a lack of enthusiasm in organising
next year’s tour. C’mon, JMO – pull your fucking finger out, eh? You slack
bastard. * * * Name: Jake Hotson Rating: 4 / 184 + 1 (Fennel
* Self Importance) – 15 + 8*
Another
tour veteran, Jake is vastly experienced in pacing himself, which is just as
well as he is rarely out of first gear. He got a good one at Honiton CC, but
served notice to Captain Moo with a rearguard act for the opposition as Uplyme eeked out a win by 2
wickets. Affable away from the pitch, Jake’s appetite for day-long
inebriation was untainted by having to get up for breakfast. He coped admirably
with the lack of vegetarian eateries by relying on said liquid diet, however he did go
large at a curry house whilst scaring the regulars. Tea Time loses a grade due to his continued avoidance of anyone
with a pair of shears. * * * Name: Ian Howarth Rating: 4 for 30
Renowned
for his dietary problems on tour, Ian’s decision to stay away from pizza and
kebab houses in Sidmouth was probably a wise one.
He did tangle with a vindaloo strength curry, but appalled
all at the meal with his egotistical self-promotion as the team’s very own
Kevin Pietersen – getting chummy with the intended
skipper for the next day (Ian Leggate). In keeping with the flawed South
African, Spam’s batting was arrogantly lamentable throughout tour, although
he did return a 4-for against some ailing Honiton bunnies. Consistent abuse
of the cider apple and subsequent failure to recognise his own team mate (M.
Bullock) when shitfaced in town, further lowers his
grade. A further deduction was subtracted after he sent the Sidmouth CC notice-board flying whilst talking inebriated
bollocks in the pavilion. Minor redemption came in the form of winning the Madolypms and
generously donating his Mongoose Bat to tour organiser James Hoskins. * * * Name: Ian Leggate Rating: 4.5 chillis out 5
Gonzo
was the tour captain that never
was. There was of course nothing he could have done on Saturday,
it had pissed down that hard after Friday’s game that play at Sidbury was an afterthought. We had a minor chance of a
15-over contest against a team of 5, but Ian, like the majority of the team and
club chairman reasoned “fuck that”. Of course Leggate had also avoided
playing the opening game of trip as well – his energies and unbalanced
character being relegated to kick-starting the pub trade in Honiton. So
surviving the 4-day assault on the senses was testament to his drinking
fortitude and ability to get utterly fucked. Ian managed a few runs opening
up at Uplyme CC, and also delivered dome un-pie-able deliveries in the finale –
just a shame his team couldn’t back him up in the field. We will never know
how good a skipper Gonzo would have been – maybe next year, huh? * * * Name: Ben Mander Rating: 12.5% * 3
A
late entrant to Tour Mad, Ben stole the show on the final evening by drinking
his weight in red wine and keeping his room mate, M. Bullock, awake all night
as he talked him through the Mancunian and Penzance
rave scene, and how to play cricket after consuming a crate of Stella. So
impressed was Matt, he gave Ben out lbw later that day to a ball that got
stuck in his belly button. Undeterred, Mander Junior’s terrier-like boundary
fielding defied Oliver Reed’s Laws of Pissdom as he spent the entire duration of the Uplyme innings flinging himself
around in the deep. Consistently jovial and occasionally surreal, Ben’s happy
and more passive side shone through during the Sidmouth
tour, especially before the pubs opened at 9am. * * * Name: Tony Mander Rating: 5-Star Hotel
A
veteran tourist, Our Tony resisted the temptation to pull on
his whites, and instead enjoyed the more leisurely pursuits of drinking beer, drinking spirits and watching the team get tonked. A late addition to the party list, Doc afforded
himself a view of the * * * Name: Mike Reeves Rating: 42 on the Cobometer
Ol’
Big Head is now an integral part of the Mad’s Elite Cobbing Revelutionary Guards after finally renouncing his
lighter whimsical nature in favour of bitterness and vitriol. He may be the
general in waiting, serving notice of intent to absent leader, S. Parkinson,
with a barrage of derisory comments throughout the final day. Mike bitched
and moaned pretty much throughout tour after failing to pin down a batting
position lower than number eight, and was heard cursing the entire team as he
professed to “scoring more runs than any other fucker recently”. Michael
likened all of the tour skipper’s to Comical Ali, and took his frustration
out on Steve Dobner’s family saloon by planting a
six on it at Uplyme. Away from the pitch Mike drank
heartily, and it would have surprised nobody to find him in possession of a
hip-flask to help in his fight with his inner demons. Mike loses points for
usurping Darth Vader (who also had a big head if you include his helmet) as a
man who can no longer keep the darkness within. * * * Name: Chris Roberts Rating: 6’ 6”
A
virginal Mad tourist, the unassuming and laid back Chris impressed all with
his quick understanding of team ethics and protocol, as he skippered the Mad
to narrow defeat on the final page of the tour. A brief cameo with the bat, and a willingness to cop a beating with the ball,
Chris seems unfazed by the darker and more world-weary members of the team. Useful
at the bar, and extremely handy when reaching for drinks off the top shelf at
Tesco Metro, Tall Bob has shown a durable
consistency with both his booze and his jealousy
inducing happy demeanour. His dark side will obviously out, but for now
Chris reminds us of how naively cheerful we all once were when getting
hammered around the pitch. * * * Name: Rating: 4 + 4 + 4 + W
An
unfortunate casualty of toothache, Thorn had to wait for the final day of
tour before getting some cricket under his belt. He swatted a few fours,
bowled a few balls, and even had time to drop a catch. That’s not all he
dropped, opting for the life of a non-smoker following his private stash
disappearing from view between the boulders of a pier. Dependably energetic at
the bar, Thorn even found time to listen in-between pints before finishing
any conversations someone else had started. His mastery of Mad Top Trumps made him hard to beat, but his overall rating is
adversely affected by his decision to endorse legal drugs and take up women’s
period pills (for said toothache). * * * Name: Martin Westmoreland Rating: 10 not out
Liberated
from the reigns of family dad and
the team’s incumbent skipper, Martin got stuck right into tour. He was
unlucky to be stranded unbeaten during the team’s loss to Honiton CC, but
thereafter realised he didn’t need to put a captain’s innings in and batted
like an experienced number eleven. * * * And
there you have it, hopefully I’ll be invited back
next year to grade the Mad tourists of 2011. ‘Tour Player Inspector’ |
