Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

Glossary

*

Throughout the content on the FFTMCC’s website, there are many terms and references which may be alien to the unacquainted. Since the club was established in 1998, various “sayings” have come to be; so by way of assistance, here is a quick breakdown to help the uninitiated better understand the MAD lingo and folklore.

Term	Definition
0	A much revered number. See “Duck” for further details.
1	“Duck avoidance” – costs the incumbent batsman 25p.
14	Fourteen – the number of deliveries in Ian Leggate’s now infamous over whilst on tour in Louth in 2009. It started at 15:02 and finished at 15:13. Eleven minutes of undiluted misery, as Ian tried his damnedest to avoid throwing tripe several yards wide or high of the stumps. The harder he tried, the worse he got.
15	See “Stogumber 15” for further details.
16	The number of overs of twirling pie that J. Hoskins threw down in Aston Tirrold in 2011, as he shattered the Mad’s most lengthy spell of bowling record.
17	(sigh) Ian Leggate has now managed a 17 ball over….
2 for 2	A laughable quote that popped up during a Twenty20 touring match in 2003, after N. Hebbes registered the impressive bowling figures of 2 for 2 against Stogumber. Years later, the quote is still heard by members of the Mad, but rarely by the Titanick anymore, as 2 for 222 would be more appropriate for him these days.
27	In 2008 Andrew Morley cast aside half a bottle of vodka and strode out to bat against unbeaten opponents Milton CC. The rest as they say is the stuff of legends.
34	The second most expensive over in Mad history belongs to I. Howarth, who was unceremoniously tonked for 2 short of a Malcolm Nash during the Mad’s visit to Tetsworth in 2009. It is also worth noting his subsequent 3 balls went for 16 too – so that’s a 9-ball 50. Well played, dude. * - see “Shallow” for further details, or “358 for 8”.
35	Ian Leggate somehow managed to baffle mathematicians by going for one short of a Malcolm Nash despite his over containing no sixes! A suitably blurred photo from the opposition scorebook records the over as containing 4 no balls and 2 wides, and spanning 2 boxes in the bowler’s column! 1-27 before the over began. 1-62 on completion. Tidy stuff.
4.0%	The lowest strength of lager that Club Poet A. Morley will ever partake in during the mid-innings drinks break. It is usually a sign of ill-health and a lack of decent finances.
41 not out	Will J. Hoskins ever let us forget about him scoring 41 not out batting at number 9 against Wootton & Boars Hill to win the match? No, we don’t think so either. * - see match report from May 18^th, 2008.
42	Since Dan Edwards mistakenly celebrated a half-century by raising his bat towards the massed ranks of Mad on the boundary (he was on 42 at the time), the team have ridiculed and applauded him ever since, whenever he reaches that score.
5 o’clock	An approximate time that is popular amongst players when queried as to when they think Jake Hotson wakes up during the winter months. It is probably worth noting that there are no independent witnesses to verify whether this guesstimate is accurate or not. 16:48:28.08 would be a more accurate assumption.
8.6%	The commonest strength of lager that Club Poet A. Morley usually partakes in during the mid-innings drinks break. In fact, he usually partakes before and after the game as well, and during the tea interval.
95	Proof that Dave Emerson can actually bat.
99	After Ian Howarth managed to get stumped one short of his century at the start of the 2005 season, the Mad had been trotting out endless jokes concerning that score – mostly about ice-creams (“d’you want a flake with that?”) Showing it was no fluke, Ian managed to hole out on the boundary in 2010 – again on 99. Divide than number by eleven, and you probably discover his IQ.
117*	In 2007 Gary Littlechild mastered the vagaries of a typically crap pitch at Hanney CC to hit the highest score by a Mad batsman. Quite an achievement. Even the fielders helped on the day by dropping him.
358 for 8	Yep, 358 for 8 – the exact score that Tetsworth CC posted in 2009 after M. Westmoreland lost the toss and the FFTMCC were invited to field. It is perhaps worth noting that the Mad were invited to make a choice prior to the toss as to what they wanted to do that day – bat, or field? But they did the right thing and demanded a toss of coin. The rest is history….
“All day, mate”	A saying which has been embraced by all Mad players after club regular D. Edwards was quoted using it whilst batting in the face of hostile sledging. Merely meaning “whatever, ha ha, bring it on, etc, just keep trudging that crap out etc, and I’ll just keep on going…. all day etc”. Or maybe it had some other meaning – a darker one – but you’d have to ask Dan….
Ambassador	Before, and during the tour of Louth in 2009, club snob and chief extrovert S. Parkinson announced to all that he was representing the team in an “ambassadorial role”. This self-proclaimed importance netted him a string of abuse and heavy fines, and the term is now be applied to Steve when and whenever the team see fit.
Antony’s Bunny	Andrew Darley is Antony Mann’s bunny. See “Bunny” for further information relating to.
Barrow Boys	A collective for the Mad’s two commuting Londonites Steve Dobner and his brother-in-law Gary Littlechild. Whilst not strictly geographically true, we don’t give a shit as we enjoy using the term.
Biffa	A name given to a new club bat acquired by S. Dobner in 2004. It was thought to give the ball a pretty good “smack” when middled, and so ended up with the name of Biffa. The Mad have since acquired 3 more Biffa’s since then (Biffa 2, Biffa 3 and Biffa 4) – although Biffa 2 is now in pieces after J. Hotson’s horrendous timing curtailed it’s short life.
Bicycle / bike ride	Ever since Mike Reeves decided to cycle across America from Los Angeles to Boston in 2009, anyone seen on a bike is said to be impersonating him. Jokes are now trotted out on a regular basis where Mike’s cricketing performances are correlated by cross-referencing his kilometres cycled per day divided by the shrinkage of his head. Or something like that.
Big Bird	No, not a reference to another Mad dismissal for nought, but the nickname of OUP master batsman Chris Heron. * - see Inspector Gadget for more.
Brasenose	The Far From The MCC moved to play their games at Brasenose College Sports Ground at the start of the 2009 season. It was a centrally located Oxford cricket ground, and ticked all the right boxes - including having a pub some 3 minutes walk from the pavilion.
Buffet (bowling)	An amusing term used to describe a Mad bowler who has copped a beating. According to the Urban Dictionary, it is “a bowler in cricket who is bowling deliveries that are easy to hit for runs. So named because in a buffet, you can take what you want in large amounts.” No finer example of buffet could be found if one were to take a glance at the match report from Tetsworth CC on June 14^th, 2009.
Bumming	The use of the term “bumming” is a Lincolnshire saying passed on by club snob Steve Parkinson. It is an accurate critique of an absolute drubbing (a “dicking” if you will); we (the team) were made to look like the other team’s bitches as we got resolutely tonked. * - see match report from July 27^th, 2008.
Bunny	Bunny: also known as Rabbit. A member of the side who cannot generally bat, and is selected as a specialist bowler or wicketkeeper (or neither and generally just makes up the numbers for the team); and who almost always bats at No. 11. It can also be used to describe a player who often gets out to one bowler - "Atherton was McGrath's bunny"
Bullshit	Not a reference to the excrement which exits a male cow’s behind, but a term applied to most things that come out of Michael ‘Billy’ Clarke’s mouth after he’s had a few sherries at the bar. His propensity for exaggerating certain truths was first noticed on tour in 2004.
Cake	Any fans of Radio 5 Live would be well acquainted with talk of delightful cakes and scones that light up the commentators afternoons. The Mad have their own visionary and beaten housewife, Kim Dobner, to thank for some superb specimens at a home match on any given Sunday.
Campervan	Who can possibly forget T. Smith’s iconic campervan back in 2005 when it was used a scoreboard? A toy shop provided the rubber suction cups and numbers that allowed the team to double Thornton’s mobile home as a novel way of keeping track of the score. * - see match report from August 2^nd, 2005.
Car Park	Exactly what you would opinion this term to describe – an area to park your car. However, due to an on-field altercation between one of the club’s resident Barrow Boys (who shall remain nameless) and a batsman from the OU Offices in 2006, the car parking area was proposed as an ideal location for sorting out the “problem”. Thankfully the situation was resolved in an adult fashion before anyone needed to move their cars, or cover their teeth.
Cheese Boys	A common name given to our arch rivals Cholsey. It was derived during a match at the Cheesites’ home a few years ago* where the cricket teas consisted of various cheese sandwiches, cheese and onion crisps, cheesecake and more examples of cheesy food. Even the local boozer (the Red Lion) serves up loads of cheese dishes. * - see match report from August 29^th, 2004.
Chemical Brothers	An amusing collective for Mad regulars Thornton Smith, Ian Howarth and Adie Fisher, who in 2004 carried out extensive post-match research into various “chemicals” that could be procured from various social misfits.
Cob / Cobbing	A term applied to members of the Mad who display a loss of temper and control during the course of a match – “having a cob”. Regular exponents would include current Madster’s Steve Dobner and Steve Parkinson, and not forgetting past player Dylan Jones whose infamous sulks and tantrums probably derived the term. “Cobbing” has been embraced by the team in recent years; especially as the guys grow older and their reflexes become slower – frustration often lending it’s hand to the odd outburst.
Concrete	The substance that James Hoskins’ feet are encased in when he bats (i.e no foot movement whatsoever).
Dancing Injury	After a disco incident concerning James Hoskins a good few years ago, the phrase is often brought up when people are struggling with leg movement or taking the Michael out of impaired opposition.
Darley’s Bunny	Ian Howarth is Darley’s bunny. See “Bunny” for further information relating to.
Dark Thoughts	An attribute levelled at the club’s antipodean novelist Antony Mann. He is often caught “staring” at players, and the term was derived when it became obvious that characters in Antony’s short stories could be likened to the team players themselves. The fact his stories are generally “dark”, and the fact he used to kill people for a living whilst working as a Hitman Down Under, has resulted in the term being levelled at him during most Fines Committees.
Deep Slip	A position in the field somewhere deep behind the slip cordon that was first coined by Madster Jake Hotson, and has subsequently been stolen by the Sky Sports commentary team.
Diamond	A “diamond duck” – a batsman who is ran out without facing a ball. Idiots dismissed in this fashion include Ian Leggate, and Dave “Diamond” Emerson. An exclusive and much vaunted club.
Dicking	The use of the term “dicking” isn’t in any way a reference to sexual shenanigans; it is often used by cricketers in answer to the question of “how did you get on today ole chap?” Well, if one’s day consisted of getting a complete hiding / stuffing / massacring / tonking / whalloping etc etc… you kinda get the drift…. * - see match report from September 2^nd, 2007.
Dobner Clause	After Steve Dobner opted to become a home dad in 2006, various members of the Fines Committee were subjected to tirades of foul language and issued with threats of violence. This followed the majority of matches where Steve participated in and was duly fined. He claimed he was “too poor to play”; and that the resultant fines were making his decision to play for the Mad “unsustainable”. As a directive, it was decreed under section 3.6.1 of the Hotson Fines Manual, that anyone currently unemployed could claim “insolvency” at the Fines Committee and thus only be expected to pay a flat £1 fine whenever their fines exceeded that total. The ruling has subsequently been termed the Dobner Clause, and is often used by maverick cabinet maker extraordinaire, T. Smith. * - see fines report from tour on August 15^th, 2008.
Doin’ a Boon!	This most amusing of phrases was born after star OU Office batsman, James Boon, decided on painting a central table in the Magdalen pub with the contents of his stomach after a morning net session. Such was the force of his projectile vomit, that pub regulars have been put off eating in the establishment ever since. Indeed, Clare Edwards (wife of the Mad’s green-fingered specialist, and modern day wall-like defensive genius Dan Edwards) is still in a state of shock after her plate of Natcho’s were likened to James’ artwork adjacent to where she sat. Feelin’ a little queasy? You might end up “doin’ a Boon!”
Dots	A dot in a scorebook denotes a ball which has not been scored off. Dan Edwards’ innings for the Mad are synonymous with dot balls, and lots of them. Dan likes dots, and dots like him. His team mates are less enamoured.
Doughnut	A term first coined by Oxford’s joy-riding community who used to scream stolen cars around in circles in the Blackbird Leys area of East Oxford – filling the night air with the smell of burning rubber and oily smoke. Fast forward to June 11^th, 2006 – and club stalwart, Matt Bullock, was seen “pulling a doughnut” in his TVR after playing his part in the quite horrendous defeat to Milton on that very day. Fortunately, Matt was exiting the adjacent field, and not the actual cricket pitch.
Duck / Ducks	Nope, not the mascot who is called “Duck” (see Museum), but the registering of a “duck” – a batsman who is dismissed without scoring (out for nought). The Team are obsessed with ducks and conversation abounds about them every game. And before games. And after games. And between games.
“Dude”	Dude, in the prescriptive sense, can refer to both men and women – but after club hipster A. Mann (who is often likened to “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski), forgot to include an “s” at the end of the word when sending out a group circular – the term can now be applied to a group of Madsters. i.e a dude of Mad. Groovy.
Duggers	Duggers by name, and Helen Dugdale by deed poll. Duggers was synonymous with the Mad’s nemesis, the now defunct OU Office team. She scored for them, organised their fixtures, she supported them, washed their whites, collated their statistics, massaged their egos – and even wiped their arses for them. Helen is still available for contract should a club require a cricketing servant of the highest possible calibre.
Dunkery Beacon Hotel	The Dunkery Beacon Hotel in Minehead served as hotelier for the touring Mad from 2003 to 2005. A ramshackle building cut into the picturesque Somerset hills, it holds many fond memories for the team - even if other guests would rather forget!
Eastbourne	The FFTMCC toured the coastal town of Eastbourne in 2007. It was a huge success, and there was hardly a wiff of piss in the air. Organiser J. Hoskins even orchestrated an airshow – super stuff.
Electricians	A common name given to opponents R. T. Harris who the Mad play each year. Apparently their team consists of people (sparkies) working for the company – although recent head counts have failed to throw up more than 2 employees (probably due to the number of East Oxford players in their ranks).
Fat Boys	An amusing name given to our archrivals and good friends from Wootton & Bladon. It was noted a few years ago* that various members of the opposition were ample of the gut and most rounded, so it didn’t take long for the name to come to prominence. * - see match report from August 10^th, 2003.
Fennel	A vegetable, bulbous in shape, which is rumoured to give good luck to the team utilising it (if it can be inserted into the wicket) prior to a match. The ritual was first performed on tour in 2003 (see match report from August 18^th).
Fennel Brothers	A collective for Steve and Nick Hebbes who were to introduce the above bizarre ritual using a fennel.
Frisbeer	The game of “Frisbeer” came about in season 2010 when a group of Mad cricketers, bored with sitting pitchside and doing nothing, decided on trying to knock over some stacked beer cans with a Frisbee. Hence it’s name. The game (if it can be called that) was underwritten on tour of the same year as being part of the Madolymps.
Fruit Inspector	Ahh, our blessed Fruit Inspector. A mysterious character who occasionally pens short reports to accompany match reports. It is rumoured he works for various Inspectorates – but he’s never far away with his shrewd observations.
Giranha	A previously unheard of animal (of sorts) which first came to public attention on the Eastbourne tour of 2007. After consuming a barrel of cider over the course of a day, I. Howarth stipulated someone in the party was “having a girhana”. Clearly his mouth was quicker than his brain and he had of course meant “having a giraffe (laugh)” – cockney slang etc etc. Although he’s not from the East End – but a twat from the north.
“Gavel it!”	A common saying at the Fines Committee just before closing a player’s appropriated fines (and to save him / her any more misery). A wooden gavel (or bat mallet) is then sounded on the pub table to signal this.
Grubber	See “Oops Ball” for further details.
Harbourer	See “Dark Thoughts” for further details.
Hat Lore	Hat Lore originated a couple of seasons ago* when people started Bowling With Hat or Bowling Without Hat. And then there was the team the Mad played who made their worst player of the previous week wear a Pink Hat on that day (which the Mad would parody). Throw into the mix the ballache of the Mad’s much delayed order of team hats for 2006 and you begin top understand this topic. * - see match report from 13^th June, 2004.
Hat Thief	The Hat Thief is still shrouded in mystery. The name surfaced after several members of the team reported having their hats stolen towards the end of the 2004 season, and pretty much throughout the season of 2005. The culprit remains anonymous, although suspicions as to who he or she was continue to this day.
Hawaiian Shirt	On the tour of Southsea in 2011, Ian Leggate became synonymous as much for his ruined Hawaiian shirt as he did for his ‘bog seat’ medallion (see ‘Museum’).
Hernia	In 2011, I. Howarth suffered a much lauded hernia which was credited for his resurgence in batting form. It was agreed that ‘Hernia’ had scored the gamut of runs (including the ton on tour) and that Ian was just shit.
Hogging the Game	Occasionally a player in the Mad ranks has one of those days where everything turns to gold, or at least he seems to be involved in everything that happens (good or bad). Rather than applaud the player’s efforts, he is usually fined after the match for “hogging the game”. * - see match report from 10^th June, 2007 (M. Reeves).
Hoick	See “Moo” for further details.
Honey	Nope, that a term of endearment passed to one’s missus, but a seemingly never-ending story concerning Dave Shorten’s fixation with the stuff (honey), and his loss (a tub) thereof (on tour in Mumbles). His mother apparently owns some bees and makes it….
Hoodies	Club ‘hoodies’ came into being before the start of the 2011 season. These fashionable items are now touted around most Oxfordshire towns by pissheads / club members. They come in all sizes as long as you like ‘large’, and any colour – as long as you like ‘blue’.
Ice Cream Van	A ridiculous notion was hatched whilst on tour in 2004 to buy an ice cream van and use it for team transportation. The thinking was it could double as both a mobile scoreboard (after painting one side black), and an excellent storage place for cooling the copious amounts of alcohol that the team would consume. Naturally this plan never came to fruition, but copious amounts of Natch were drunk whilst devising the plan.
Inspector Gadget	A name which was handed to OU Office player, Chris Heron – after he miraculously caught Mad batsman Martin Westmoreland in the season of 2005. After sprinting backwards fully 267 yards, Heron leaped to the heavens to pluck a pull shot out of the air one-handed. It was a truly astonishing catch – one which has gone down in folklore, and it almost prompted Moo Boy to retire from the game for good due to the effects of PDCD (post-dramatic catch disorder). * - see match report from June 5^th, 2005.
“It’s all about you”	Another classic phrase from club stalwart D. Edwards which has been embraced by the team. It seemingly evolved out of Dan’s pep-talks to Madsters waiting to bat, hyping them up, and concentrating their minds. Now everything is all about everyone and Dan just tells us all to “do whatever you want - I don’t give a shit.”
“J” – word.	A 50p fine is now levied against anyone who uses the “J” word during the course of a cricket season. The “J” word refers to a pub in Jericho that used to be home to the Mad before they left to go it’s sister pub the Far From The Madding Crowd.
Katy	A Somerset cider (brewed by Thatchers), which became notorious after sparking a club brawl in the Far From The Madding Crowd pub in the fall of 2003. A shameful occurrence, which also ruined a book launch by team novelist Antony Mann. The culprits will remain anonymous, but S. Dobner, I. Howarth and T. Smith were all involved.
Kettle	Quips are often made at cricket teas regarding avoiding scolding oneself when near a kettle. This joke refers back to the tour of 2004, when Jake Hotson ended up in casualty after badly scolding himself whilst making a cuppa totally inebriated at silly o’clock in the morning.
Kev	No – not the type of individual who usually goes round and round the town centre in a souped up car pumping trashy techno beats out of his windows whilst perving at any girl over the age of 12. Instead, the name refers to the Groundsman at Pembroke College Sports Ground who prepares the teas and pitches for the Mad.
Line (“The line is mine!”)	July 9^th of 2006 threw up the now classic phrase “the line is mine!” This quote*, uttered with increasing volume by wicket keeper G. Littlechild, was in reference to a stumping appeal where the batsmen’s back foot was on the line, and therefore not grounded (in his crease). The batsman would survive the protests, but the incident would go down in Mad folklore and be used each and every time there is now an appeal for a stumping. * - see Defence Lawyer’s Report from that date.
Lollipop	See “Pie Chucker” for further details.
Louth Ladies	Because D. Shorten and I. Leggate never shut up about fucking Louth ladies on tour in 2009, the phrase appears here. They even coined a song about them too, but the details will remain under lock and key.
Mad / MAD	Shortened team name for the Far From The MCC. The club used to be based (and sponsored) at the Far From The Madding Crowd pub in the centre of Oxford – hence “Mad” being short for “Madding”.
Madolymps	The phrase given to the Mad Tour Olympics of Sidmouth 2010. The competition, devised by tour organiser James Hoskins, was intended as an off-field entertainment and companion to the cricket itself. Comprising five varying events spread across several days (including Mad Top Trumps, Fennel Flinging, Coin Tossing, Frisbeer and Spot The Mongoose), the participants played for a winner’s prize consisting of a brand new Mongoose Bat. Inaugural winner I. Howarth presented the bat back to James as a thank you from the team for organising tour.
Marlborough (House)	The name refers to a now defunct opposition who were based at a now defunct Marlborough House pub off the Abingdon Road. The Mad enjoyed regular (and very vocal) contests with the Marlborites, and it was noted with great sadness when they disbanded at the end of 2005. Honourable that the Mad are, we were quick to pillage a couple of their best players and their list of Club Contacts. Life goes on as they say.
McKno’s Bunny	Most of the Mad batsman who have faced the swing bowling of Carl McKno of Appleton CC would lay claim to being his ‘bunny’. In particular though, Ian Howarth would probably be strongest candidate having been castled for a platinum duck in 2011.
Mincing	Since the Milton wicketkeeper first noted during a game in 2006, that club snob S. Parkinson had a rather lar-dee-dar run up when he bowled; the term “mincing” has been used ever since. In fact, the nickname “Mincer” was subsequently appropriated to Steve and has caused him consternation ever since.
Minehead	The Far From The MCC toured the Minehead region of Somerset for three consecutive years starting in 2003. They formed some close bonds with the welcoming teams of that locale, and then fucked off and never went back.
Moo	A common term in cricket for an agricultural smear (leg-side slog) of the ball to the Mid Wicket area of the cricket pitch. The Mad’s master of the Moo, Martin Westmoreland, has subsequently copyrighted the stroke.
Mongoose (bat)	A revolutionary new bat which was conceived with the introduction of Twenty20 cricket. It apparently gives an attacking advantage to the batsman, hitting faster, harder and further. It resembles a paddle rather than a bat, and it’ll probably leave new owner James Hoskins resembling a tit rather than a cricketer after he uses his new Birthday present later this year.
Mumbles	The Mad toured the South Wales area of Mumbles in 2008. It never stopped fucking raining. Well, it did relent on a few occasions, enough for the team to enjoy a bite of cricket, but it will be that horrendous weather that sticks in the memory – for a long time!
Natch	Another cider, this time brewed in Bristol by Matthew Clark. The Mad discovered this popular drink whilst on tour in the Minehead region of Somerset in 2003. It quickly became the staple diet for several players and led to a distinct loss of form and coherence. Not to be deterred, the drink was welcomed with open arms for the Mad’s next 2 visits to the county.
Nervous Nineties	A term to describe the psychological pressure on the batsman knowing he is approaching a century. I. Howarth has fallen in the nineties a few times, but he’s too dumb to have felt nervous.
Nest	Nope – nothing to do with birds or trees, this term is used to describe a Mad netting session. An e-mail informing the players of an upcoming net, was misspelled as “nest” – and predictably has become the saying ever since.
No-Mad	When the team left the Far From The Madding Crowd pub they were no longer “Madding” – hence they were termed “No-Mad”. Also, people who move from place to place without settling down, are often referred to as “nomadic”. How many more reasons to d’you need for the Mad becoming nicknamed the “No-Mad”?
New Zealand	Club founder E. Lester emigrated to New Zealand during the fall of 2004.
“Not at this level”	A quote founded by ex-captain Eddie Lester to describe his shock and disgust at being awarded lbw in a “friendly” game of cricket. Eddie would utter this now immortal phrase on many occasions (all plumb), and the Mad still use it today when giggling over someone else’s misfortune.
Nurdle	An amusing reference to describe a batsman nudging the ball around and into gaps (usually for a quick single). A. Mander (Doc) is a revered exponent of this shot.
Offices	A shortened term referring to the Oxford University Offices that have competed in evenly contested matches against the Mad for several years. A strong bond now exists between the two teams, and pre-season nets are often shared. The relationship is so good that the Mad have often swiped there best players in times of need - even signing a few of them on. A recent Bung Enquiry failed to find any wrongdoing by the FFTMCC.
Oops Ball	The Oops Ball was born to past player Steve Hebbes who used the delivery to devastating effect during his brief tenure playing for the Mad. A typical Oops Ball would bounce twice before reaching the batsman, rarely getting off the ground (a “grass cutter” or “grubber” if you will) and often striking the base of the stumps to a crescendo of “oops” chants by his team-mates.
Paddle	No, not an implement to spank someone on the buttocks, and not to be confused with a paddle-scoop (as popularised by Tillekartne Dilshan in international cricket) – no, the “paddle” is a lame-arse squidge to leg without a hint of leg movement as popularised by Steve Dobner.
Pembroke	Ahh, the Mad’s first spiritual home – Pembroke College Sports Ground – just off the Abingdon Road, along another road, down another windy road after unlocking a gate, across a railway bridge, and finally across a stream etc…. Pembroke will be remembered for being flanked by towering trees whispering in the wind; hosting a decrepit pavilion by some tennis courts; having a groundsman who hated sport and made Airfix models, and experiencing what seemed like endless sunny summer days (if you’re at all sentimental that is….)
Pie	The staple diet of the “Pie Chucker” when bowling. See below for further details.
Pie Chucker	Aaah, the beloved term given to the slow bowling department of the Mad. Nobody is quite sure where the term was initially realised, but it is not uncommon to hear it being used in most games of village cricket around the country. A pie chucker should not be confused with somebody who spins the ball (a spinner), as often the guiles and ways of a pie chucker depend more on crap batting than anything (luring the batsman into a wild slog as he watches the bowler lob a slow appetising sausage roll towards him). * - Mad stalwart A. Fisher is a much revered legend in the pie-chucking department. See match report September 2^nd 2007 for an example thereof.
Pikey’s	A pejorative slang term used in England and Ireland, used originally to refer to Irish travellers, the Mad hijacked the term and instead labelled it on players Jake Hotson, Thornton Smith* and Mike Clarke whilst on tour in 2005. It referred to their dishevelled appearance after several days on the piss and acute need of a bath and new wardrobe.
Pink Gay Hat	The recipient of the pink gay hat, is someone who drops a catch whilst on tour.
Pink Visor	Since P. Mellor’s inception into the Mad ranks, Paddy has become as famous for his sparkling pink visor as he has for his non-utensil eating displays.
Pirate Golf	A feature of nearly every cricket tour by the Mad is a crazy golf course. In recent times the emphasis has been on finding a “Pirate Golf” course. Intricate and cleverly designed, these courses are the connoisseur’s choice when balancing a day on the piss with some low-key competition.
Pisshead	Not many of the Mad’s squad members are exempt from being labelled a pisshead, but recent recruit Dave Emerson raised the bar to a whole new level by collapsing pissed whilst playing against Cholsey in the fall of 2009.
Plinth	Due to a rash of outbursts containing the “C” word by team members in recent years (generally used when voicing their displeasure at their own dismissals), former skipper James Hoskins has demanded the use of the word “plinth” instead. The silly old plinth has now extended this “request” to being a zero tolerance policy within the confines of his own house.
Plumb	When the batsman is clearly LBW, even at full speed, he is said to be plumb in front. Before E. Lester left the Shires for pastures new, he would regularly give a demonstration of the plumb lbw most Sundays; shuffling in front of his stumps and missing a good length ball on middle peg – even if it was “at this level”.
Poet	A. Morley is the club’s resident (award winning) poet. He is equally proficient at consuming strong levels of alcoholic lager.
Pooley	Team mascot, and occasional captain of the Wootton & Boars Hill team. The Mad have enjoyed a love hate relationship with Steve Poole since their inaugural bust up in 2003. * - see match report from August 10^th, 2003.
Porsche	Ever since Matt Bullock got himself a red TVR to boast the quickest car in the team, James Hoskins (a former MG owner) became jealous and green with envy. The disease eventually affected his psyche to such an extent; he sold his entire life savings and plumped for a Porsche Boxster in 2009. James is now happy, but his fuel bills are atronomical.
Puppy	Joe Puppy, rabid black hound belonging to opening batsman D. Edwards. This puppy, although now a fully grown dog, will always be referred to as a puppy – not quite sure why, but the term Joe Puppy stuck after he first came to a match. As a puppy.
Red Arrows	An amusing reference used by past player Eddie Lester to describe the sensation of standing at mid on as the bowling of Martin Westmoreland was summarily despatched over his head with alarming speed and regularity. * - see match report from August 15^th, 2003.
Shallow	Hiram Shallow, Stanford 20/20 player for St. Vincent & the Grenadines, destroyer of all bowling attacks in the OCA for Tetworth CC, and will now go down in Mad folklore as the man who smashed the FFTMCC’s less than convincing bowling all over Oxford on his way to a quite brutal 182 retired bored (the 11^th way of being out in cricket). I’m happy to report Hiram as being a top bloke with a keen sense of humour; so funny, he kept hitting the Mad’s bowling corps into nearby Wycombe long after they flew the white flag.
Shelley	Team mascot, and regular captain of the now defunct Marlborough House cricket team. The Mad enjoyed a love hate relationship with Mark Shelley – a rabble rouser in his formative years, and a man who never shied away from voicing his opinion and sometimes was almost right.
Shithole	See “Terror.ism” for further details.
Sidmouth	The Far From The MCC toured the region of Sidmouth, Devon in 2010. It was a successful little trip, and on occasions it didn’t piss down.
Skoda (joy riding of)	Several in-jokes are banded about when referring to transport by the Mad. Naturally, club regular Ian Howarth’s acquisition of a Skoda in 2003 would only add fuel to the fire.
Sledging	Not the act of travelling downhill at speed on a toboggan, but the act of verbally abusing or unsettling a batsman, in an attempt to make him lose concentration and give his wicket away. Often offensive, occasionally amusing, always a topic of conversation. Essex wicketkeeper G. Littlechild is a wonderful exponent of this form of cricket (so is his brother-in-law for that matter). * - see the “Barrow Boy Inspector’s Report” from April 29^th, 2007.
Slog	See “Moo” for further details.
Southsea	The destination for the Tour of 2011 in Hampshire. The team stayed at the Sandringham Hotel not far from the seafront and enjoyed ample success if you qualify losing as a success.
Stogumber Number	Or “Stogumber 15”. The term came about whilst the Mad were on tour in 2003 and playing against Somerset side Stogumber. It would seem nearly everything to happen that day featured the number 15. * - see match report from August 18^th, 2003.
Stratfield Brake	How can anyone forget the soulless, windswept cricket ground at Stratfield Brake, that became the FFTMCC’s home in 2008 after they were usurped from Pembroke. Being in Kidlington is bad enough, but playing your Sunday cricket there on a fortnightly basis…? Sure, it rescued the homeless Mad from extinction, but there are more pleasurable days to be had in the Russia’s Siberian wastelands in winter….
Super Strength	Not a reference to a member of the team who is as strong as an Ox, but an in-joke referring to the alcohol percentage of the lager which team member Andrew Morley regularly pours down his throat during the course of a game.
Taylor	Samantha Claire Taylor is an English cricketer and member of the highly successful England women’s team. The Mad were lucky enough to meet Claire on their tour of Louth in 2009, when she represented the England ladies against a Louth CC 1^st XI for their grand opening of their new pavilion. She will always be remembered fondly, not least because she found time to talk to the lads and sign our book; but also because she agreed to an impromptu salsa class from team regular I. Leggate whilst he was drunk.
Telegraph Pole	On tour in 2005, Mad player Ian Howarth somehow managed to score a direct hit on a telegraph pole when hitting a six out the picturesque Timberscombe cricket ground. There was a muffled “thud”, and the ball bounced back on the pitch after disappearing from view over the perimeter wall. Quite remarkable and deserving of Champagne Moment at the Mad’s end of season bash.
Terror.ism	A reference to an iconic piece of graffiti which adorned a wall flanking a council pitch at the Cowley Marshes. Venue to past games, the Mad try to stay clear of this depressing place when planning their fixtures. * - see match report from July 4^th, 2004.
TFC	An amusing, and often heard term, used to describe somebody who has participated in a game of cricket, but failed to do anything of substance (i.e they haven’t batted, or bowled, or caught anything). It stands for “Thanks For Coming”. * - see bonus report from July 23^rd, 2006.
Tonking	A fairly common term to describe “giving”, or in our case usually “receiving”, a substantial stuffing in a game of cricket. It is a much loved term for Aussie inbred Antony Mann – and gave rise to it’s big brother “uber-tonking”. * - see match report from September 2^nd, 2007.
Twinkling	An amusing reference to a player who has just started to show signs of irritation and anger. Barrow Boy S. Dobner, who eventually got nicknamed “Twinkle” due to his regular episodes of “twinkledom”, can be found demonstrating the art most Sunday afternoons.
U-bend	During a Pairs Competition* in 2003, Martin Westmorland smashed a delivery off bowler I. Howarth clean out the park, which would finally come to rest under the U-bend of the pavilion toilet.
Utter Pisshead	Not that many of the club’s members are exempt from being labelled utter pissheads, but none of them have quite achieved the benchmark set by Mike Thorburn; who back in the day, regularly drank his own bodyweight in ale – and that was before the match.
Westmoreland Brick	A fond reference referring to a brick atop of the Minehead CC clubhouse that was struck after the hapless Martin Westmoreland was spanked against it in the first over of the day. * - see also the match report from August 15^th, 2003.
“W” – word	A 50p fine is levied during the course of the cricket season for anyone who uses the “W” word. It refers to the material used to make cricket bats.
Yips	A mental affliction that affects many sportsmen, particularly golfers and spin bowlers. It is a mindblock that can cause a player to forget the basics of his game, and in the most serious cases can force that player into early retirement. M. Westmoreland is the club’s finest exponent of the “yips”. Martin suffered fielding yips for a few years before tackling the problem, only to then suffer from the batting yips. By the end of 2008, he had unfortunately succumbed to the bowling yips (after remedying the batting problem). His son Daniel has the coin toss calling yips. Another member of the team to suffer from the bowling yips is J. Hotson. Since taking a 5-for back in 2001, Jake has been unable to complete an over containing less than 10 deliveries.

(...back )