Far From The MCC

~ Est. in 1998 ~

 

 

Reasonably Present Players

 

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(...back )

 

 

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Name:

Lee Ainsworth

Nicknames:

-

 

Attributes:

LH Opening bat,  Military medium pace

 

HS:

64

BB:

1 - 17

Debut:

2011

 

 

 

Lee was unfortunate enough to be spotted at nets at the beginning of 2011, and even more unfortunate to have some cricketing talent – he was subsequently poached for FFTMCC batting duties whenever his hectic cricketing schedule allowed.

 

A Wallingford CC regular, Lee combines a solid technique with an obvious talent for moaning and chuntering. Allied to his affable nature and warm company, he has found himself very at home with the Mad. The club hope Lee will turn his back on League Cricket at some point and concentrate his talents on becoming a standard bearer for the team’s batting department, and an able lieutenant for the ever expanding Grumbling Corps. 

 

Lee is a left-hander so considered to be handicapped.

 

 

 

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Name:

Matt Bullock

Nicknames:

Warnie,  Beer Matt

 

Attributes:

RH Wicketkeeper batsman,  Looping leg spin

 

HS:

41*

BB:

3 - 22

Debut:

1998

 

 

 

Matt is the only remaining team member from 1998, the Mad’s first year in existence albeit in those days under a different name, which means that the other guy has now left. Matt is the Chairman of the club and he is also the Chairman of CAMRA, which means Matt likes chairs a lot. Intelligent and quick witted, the team have a more rounded feel with his presence – especially as a knowledgeable drinking unit.

 

In 2011, Matt’s appearances were limited due to his commitments to producing an informative Oxford pub guide and watching his beloved West Bromwich Albion bore people shitless at football. Cruelly overlooked with the ball, Matt still has one of the best strike rates this club has ever known – combining the height of his stratospheric leg spin with the predictably pissed judgement of opposition batsmen to devastating effect.

 

Matt’s TVR is legendary – especially with the RAC.

 

 

 

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Name:

Geoff Carter

Nickname:

Wood Boy

 

Attributes:

RH Wicketkeeping painstaking middle-order bat

 

HS:

29

BB:

-

Debut:

2005

 

 

 

Geoff is a quirky and affable fellow, who enjoys splitting his time between wood and woodwork. When he’s not busy with oak, pine or MDF, he’s busy trying to locate his van and motorbike which are regularly stolen by pikeys.

 

Geoff was only a peripheral figure in 2011, so peripheral he only played for us once at Jordan Hill – keeping wicket and failing to get a bat. Maybe he just hates us? If he does hate us, that’s fine, he can still come and play for us – as most the team hate each other anyway. A wry and comic turn at the bar, we hope to see more of Geoff this year; though out of preference, we’d prefer it if he didn’t bat (and send everyone to sleep).

 

Geoff’s batting makes Geoff Boycott look flamboyant.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Mike Clarke

Nickname:

Billy Liar,  Clarkey

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order bat,  Military medium bowling

 

HS:

61

BB:

1 - 9

Debut:

2004

 

 

 

After bursting onto the scene in spectacular fashion in 2004 with a breathtaking innings of 61 against Watchet CC, Mike has inevitably failed to live up to the great expectations. He also fails to turn up at all sometimes, preferring the company of ladies from China, Thailand, Hong Kong, Russia and Spain to the corrosive bunch of fuckers you find in the team most Sundays. He always says he’s teaching, but teaching what exactly, Mike? You lying bast….

 

Intelligent, with a deep penchant for graveyard and acidic humour, Mike talks more bollocks than most when pissed. 2011 produced a limited showreel bereft of highlights, due in part to his failure to play a game. He remains on this page solely because the Webmaster can’t be fucked to remove him.

 

Mike makes talking shit an art form.

 

 

 

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Name:

Jenner Collins

Nickname:

Fuckin’ Aussie

 

Attributes:

RH Top order bat,  Leg-spin bowling

 

HS:

102

BB:

1 - 39

Debut:

2008

 

 

 

Jenner represents the first mercenary overseas cricketer to have been procured by the Far From The MCC (in its latest incarnation). Having tasted the Madness in 2008, Jenner returned in 2010 to slaughter a hapless Blenheim attack on the way to a quite brutal ton, and again in 2011 as he slaughtered a touring Pompey team all over Horspath.

 

An engaging and likeable fellow, Jenner’s sometimes steely eyes betray the hard Australian competitive streak within. His private life is still a mystery, but it shouldn’t be too long before the team get him twatted and learn about his demons – if they can ever locate him. 

 

Jenner can give the ball a right fucking slap.

 

 

 

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Name:

Andrew Darley

Nickname:

Del Boy,  Salvador

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order tonker,  Brisk medium pace bowling

 

HS:

52

BB:

2 - 14

Debut:

2008

 

 

 

Following lengthy contractual negotiations, Andrew was poached from the now defunct Sunday OU Office team during the fall of 2008. It was hoped he could add spice to their toothless bowling attack, potency to the agricultural batting division, and a pin-up face for the stagnating merchandising department. He could also sort out all the Social Events, be enthusiastic about everything and anything, and generally be the polar opposite to most of the lethargic washups that constitute the team ranks.

 

It took time for Andy to find his feet for the Mad, going through various mental collapses before resurfacing in Bloxham to give a timely reminder of his tonking ability (his maiden 50). Becoming a dad has limited his appearances too, and if we’d known he’d have come with all this baggage then maybe we’d have looked for a loan deal or a free transfer. Andrew’s favourite position on the field is Freudian slip.

 

Darley has more cricketing demons than Marcus Trescothick.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Steve Dobner

Nickname:

Twinkle,  Easy Tiger

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order bat,  Measly medium pace bowling

 

HS:

84

BB:

4 - 9

Debut:

2001

 

 

 

Steve has been a core member of the club for over a decade. In that time he has managed to have a go at anyone and everybody; sometimes opting to use his well camouflaged witticisms rather than using his fists. Off the field he’s much more placid, preferring to watch his two girls punch fellow team mates in the scrotum and hit them over the head with cricket bats.

 

2011 represented a solid season for the Club’s stalwart all-rounder, impressing all with his excellent teas at several home matches. He never lifted a finger himself, but did direct his wife, Kim, expertly around the kitchen – managing to secure a crate of Stella per game after continually coming under budget. Clichéd injuries prevented Steve from bowling, but he cemented the middle order with the bat, and regularly managed a punch up behind the stumps.

 

Steve likes car parks and discussing politics with Joe Organ.

 

 

 

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Name:

Rob Eaglestone

Nickname:

Rob Wonky

 

Attributes:

RH Lower order bat,  Slow medium trundler

 

HS:

5

BB:

0 - 19

Debut:

2011

 

 

 

Rob discovered nets when he awoke one day to find all his mates were missing (at nets). Undeterred, he hopped down to the sports hall in his sleeping bag and quickly acquainted himself with the practicing Far From The MCC. He noted the rank bowling, poor athleticism and inadequate batting and came to the conclusion that this was a sport where he could throw his hat into the ring.

 

Quietly unassuming, it’s only a matter of time before the darkness and deadpan sarcasm within the team permeate his outer layer of niceness.

 

Rob has black cricket boots.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Dan Edwards

Nickname:

Spellcaster,  Danny Boy

 

Attributes:

RH Resolute opening bat,  Crazy octopus slow bowling

 

HS:

103*

BB:

4 - 12

Debut:

2005

 

 

 

Dan is the Mad’s ever reliable run-machine; and when he’s not batting, he’s thinking about batting. Even when he’s cutting down trees and hedgerows at work, he’s practicing his pulls and cover drives with his chainsaw. Life would be so much simpler for Dan if people would stop making such unreasonable demands on his cricketing time and just agree that cricket in general, is life.

 

Despite a disastrous year by his own Dravidesque-standards in 2011, Dan still scored more runs than nearly everybody else, and also took more wickets than nearly everybody else. Christ – maybe he was actually the standout performer! What a load of bollocks the AGM is then, if all we do is get pissed and forget those that have studiously applied themselves over the course of the year, and award all the trophies to undeserving loudmouths…. Sorry, Dan. You must be nailed on for 2012 Player of the Season!

 

Dan moves like an arthritic robot in the outfield.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Dave Emerson

Nickname:

Diamond,  Wonky

 

Attributes:

RH Lower middle-order hitter,  Rhythmic medium pace bowler

 

HS:

95

BB:

5 - 25

Debut:

2008

 

 

 

Dave is another refugee from the now defunct Sunday OU Office ensemble, whose decision to join the ranks of the Far From The MCC was ratified after he gleaned that most of the squad were pissheads. A New Zealander by birth, Dave can be found serenading women on the Cowley Road most weekends, demonstrating his own take on the Haka whilst balancing a barrel of cider on his head. 

 

Dave is now a core member of the squad, achieving legendary all-round status by claiming 35 wickets in 2011 and failing to convert 95 into a ton. A quietly deep and charismatic fellow, Dave will look to add consistency to his batting in 2012, whilst attempting to reduce his intake of alcohol in equal measure. Failure to achieve either will no doubt have most of the team rolling around in laughter.

 

Dave is now father to Duck (see Museum) and only has one key on his key ring.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Richard Hadfield

Nickname:

Lord Lucan,  Dips

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order bat,  Slow loopy off-break bowling

 

HS:

72

BB:

1 - 10

Debut:

2000

 

 

 

After a now famous six year absence, Richard finally returned for a duck in 2006. Since that day, he has been a peripheral, phantom-like figure, making fleeting appearances before vapourising once more – leaving many of the team questioning whether in fact it really was him….

 

An intelligent and well educated man, 2011 proved a breakthrough year for Richard in that he managed a whole 5 matches. Not only that, the team were rewarded for their patience to the tune of 124 runs and his warm and infectious humour. A pity then that the gods were cruel and saw fit to strike Richard down just short of his second Mad fifty – a career threatening hamstring tear. The club wish him well in his rehabilitation and look forward to him gracing us with his presence in 2017.

 

Richard claims he never murdered his children’s nanny.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Nick Hebbes

Nickname:

Titanick

 

Attributes:

RH Top order bat,  Medium pace trundler

 

HS:

62

BB:

4 - 17

Debut:

2003

 

 

 

Nick was one of a clutch of new faces that breathed life into the Mad back in 2003. A tirelessly happy individual, his consistently upbeat personality is sometimes in stark contrast to that of his pessimistic and downtrodden team mates. Ever the joker, he’s usually at the fore of things on tour, annoying everyone with visual jokes, his insane happiness and stupid singing plastic swords.

 

Nick was crap in 2011. In fact, he didn’t even play – preferring the honourable role of new dad, rather than leave his missus in the lurch and go out on the piss and play some cricket. Never mind, we didn’t miss him, in his absence the club easily set a new benchmark for ducks in a season. Nick was last seen at the end of season AGM promising big things in 2012. We hope so, or a plastic singing sword may find itself shoved up his….

 

Nick is the neighbour from hell and is fixated by fennels.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

James Hoskins

Nickname:

JMO,  Stan,  Pugwash

 

Attributes:

RH Spirited lower order bat,  Master pie bowler

 

HS:

50

BB:

4 - 24

Debut:

1999

 

 

 

James is pretty much the heartbeat of Club Mad since being plucked from obscurity as he sat pissed by the boundary over a decade ago. The ultimate dogsbody, he has served as both Skipper and Tour Organiser, and turned his hand to just about every Secretarial job that has ever come into being. An eternally optimistic fellow, his often childlike humour and exuberance brings light into the darkened catacombs of many of his world weary team mates (much to their displeasure).

 

In recent years James has become the most heralded “slow bowler” in the modern era (read pie-chucker). Securing a clean sweep of trophies at the 2010 AGM, he subsequently broke the record for wickets in a season in 2011. His PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) is unflappable, and his Mongoose Bat barely carries a scar (in the middle anyway). And what for 2012? Ah, he’s decided to ditch his job and piss off around the world instead….

 

James likes leaving his mates in the lurch.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Jake Hotson

Nickname:

Judge Dredd,  Tea Time

 

Attributes:

RH Wicketkeeper batsman,  Banned from bowling

 

HS:

24*

BB:

5 - 28

Debut:

2000

 

 

 

A quiet and reflective chap, Jake has abseiled through the ranks of Club Mad to the lofty heights of T20 Skipper. It’s taken him over a decade, but he’s there – a position where his undoubted intellect can flex its muscle by implementing his infamous batting “pool system”. Some may agree, others may not, but he’s the Skipper now, so fucking lump it.

 

2011 saw Jake notch a career personal best with the bat, and also help a team mate shatter the Mad 8th wicket partnership record. He has become a reliable member of the lower middle order and the Emperor’s robes obviously fit. There is steel in his eyes now, a burning desire to win coursing through his veins, and an indomitable attitude that’s been missing for most his life. It’s just a shame Jake never sets his alarm clock….

 

Jake is legendary for playing with kettles when pissed.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Ian Howarth

Nickname:

Spam,  Tiny,  Scotch

 

Attributes:

RH Top order bat,  Erratic medium pace bowling

 

HS:

112

BB:

5 - 5

Debut:

2003

 

 

 

Ian came in the Mad fold back in 2003, when friend and team mate T. Smith rescued him from a pool of his own piss in an Oxford pub. Since resurrecting his life, he has transferred an underachieving career in the Cornish cricket leagues to occasionally hit the heights in the Shires – amusing all with some brainless shots in the nineties. Deeply sarcastic with a cold Northern streak, Ian once captained the team before being sacked. He now divides his time between Fixtures and Web Duties – occasionally finding time to say something nice about his team mates.

 

2011 was an odd year for Spam, despite notching a record haul of runs in a season, he also bagged 3 golden ducks. Plenty to moan about then, and boy did he fucking moan. He also broke his bat after another “debatable LBW” decision and has promised to turn over a new leaf. Gloriously inconsistent, the Mad’s perennial opener now fancies himself as a #3 – preferring coming to the wicket in the second over as opposed to the first.

 

Spam likes swearing and is Jonah when it comes to betting.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Ian Leggate

Nickname:

Gonzo,  Shooz

 

Attributes:

RH Lower order bat,  Erratic leg-spin / pie bowler

 

HS:

31*

BB:

5 - 40

Debut:

2008

 

 

 

Ian is a total aficionado of cricket. He lives, breathes and eulogises about the sport hour after hour, day after day – sometimes taking down the global internet with his second by second transcripts. His famed Salsa routines, of which Claire Taylor of England’s National team was once wooed, now include segments devoted to marrying the Mambo with leg spin.

 

             

 

A true hedonist at heart, Gonzo’s delightfully offbeat and eccentric humour has transcended many a Mad defeat. He is regarded by many as an essential Tour Accessory – colourfully unconventional, and thriving in adversity. In recent times, he has also demonstrated a steely defiance with the bat, combining beautifully with top order batsmen to add valuable runs at the death.

 

Ian likes sleeping in skips after a night on the piss.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Gary Littlechild

Nickname:

Goldenchild,  Neo

 

Attributes:

RH Wicketkeeper batsman,  Tidy medium pace bowling

 

HS:

117*

BB:

1 - 6

Debut:

2005

 

 

 

Perhaps the most technically gifted of all the Mad players who have represented the club over the years, Gary brought an air of keen professionalism to the ranks when he first debuted in 2005. Who can ever forget his swashbuckling 117 not out against Hanney CC on what was a turd of pitch? And who can forget his flare-ups with every square leg umpire who has ever had the misfortune to officiate a match where Gary has minded the stumps? He is the consummate cricketer, a role model for our kids, a teacher by trade, and the team look solid with his presence.

 

Gary has only managed fleeting appearances in recent seasons, and the team wonder just what the fucking problem is? Marital bliss, new baby, bloody long journeys to play… christ fucking sake….  We miss your needle Gary, abandon your wife and kids, and travel from Essex more regularly to help us out, eh?

 

Gary loves a good cob and also has a worrying dislike of square leg umpires.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Ben Mander

Nickname:

Iron Hands

 

Attributes:

RH Lower order tonker,  Erratic leg-spin / pie bowling

 

HS:

29

BB:

4 - 31

Debut:

1999

 

 

 

Ben seems to have been a part of the club for ages, and strangely enough he has. He’s still one of the younger guys in the team, but that’s because the rest of the team are mostly comprised of old fuckers. Slightly nomadic in character, Ben always brings a slightly naive charm to the team, steadfastly refusing to adapt his half-a-pace run up to the wicket to bowl his leggies, or move his feet when batting so he can hoik the ball over cow corner. Stick to what you know, Ben – don’t let those cricket coaches grind you down!

 

Energetic in the field and particularly in the bar, we look forward in earnest to some of Ben’s company in the summer; if only to bolster our claim that the team doesn’t consist solely of a bunch of old fuckers.

 

Ben is more accident prone than Mr. Bump.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Tony Mander

Nickname:

Doc

 

Attributes:

RH Lower order nurdler,  Looping pie bowling

 

HS:

34

BB:

2 - 10

Debut:

1999

 

 

 

Tony has been more of a casual spectator in recent seasons, only donning the whites when the skipper has put out an SOS call to field a full team. A much respected member of the club, and as a member of Lords’, he is solely responsible for the distribution of the Club’s History book into the higher echelons of society.

 

Inventor of the nurdle, and a mean slip fielder to boot, Tony’s skills on the cricket pitch are not to be under estimated; nor his ability to bring an air of civilization to Sunday afternoon rants. He is no mean umpire either, once halting a frayed game against Wootton & Bladon to reprimand both teams for unsportsman like behaviour, and threatening to roll up the pitch and report the events to the ICC.

 

Tony is still going strong and still hates fines.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Patrick Mellor

Nickname:

KFC,  Paddy

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order tonker,  Pie chucker

 

HS:

41

BB:

1 - 15

Debut:

2010

 

 

 

Patrick, or Paddy to his teammates, is a venerable performer at the bar. A man of genial wit, his warmth and charisma have made him immediately popular with the hardened pissheads in the team. For a man of ample girth, he’s surprisingly agile, especially when confronted with delays at the aforementioned bar.

 

During his fledgling career for the Mad, Paddy has demonstrated an excellent eye for the ball, and coupled with an intrinsically robust technique, he can be very hard to dislodge from the crease (no pun intended). A shame then that he normally dislodges himself – comically running himself out in a record 5 consecutive matches in 2011!

 

Paddy falls apart when confronted by the Fines Committee.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Andrew Morley

Nickname:

Morlers,  Casper

 

Attributes:

RH Lower order tonker 

 

HS:

27

BB:

1 - 15

Debut:

2000

 

 

 

Andrew is the resident poet of the team and we are waiting with anticipation of his master work – ‘An Ode To Super Strength Lager’. He doesn’t bother with nets. He isn’t that bothered with cricket either, but his contribution to the team runs deep. What really matters is that Morler’s MAD Top Trump card (see ‘Museum’) boasts the best Drinking Ability of any other player.

 

Surprisingly sprightly in the field for a man pronounced dead through inebriation before the majority of games, Andrew can occasionally produce a cameo with the bat. Well, he did once, and we’ll never forget it. Neither will Milton CC. Perhaps his most amazing talent is the ability to vaporize his human form enabling the ball to miraculously pass straight through him when fielding close in. If you’ve never seen a cricket ball pass through human flesh you should come along and witness the spectacle.

 

Andrew could drink Oliver Reed under the table.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Jon Newman

Nicknames:

Salad

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order bat,  Brisk medium pace

 

HS:

20

BB:

5 - 43

Debut:

2011

 

 

 

Yet another player recently acquired from the defunct OU Offices, Jon brought a steely medium pace bowling machine to the team, and a handy middle order bat. Often hiding his thoughts behind reflective sunglasses, it is clear to the cricketer amongst us (if there are any), that Jon is a connoisseur of the game.

 

Unflustered, unless he gets a tonking, and you know he is because his face goes as red as the cricket ball – Jon has slipped seamlessly into the ranks; notching the Club’s first ever 4.5-for when he bowled an infant at Appleton in 2011. It is hoped he realises his potential with the bat, because previous recruits have been completely fucking inept.

 

Jon likes dropping Chris Heron on the boundary.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Stephen Parkinson

Nickname:

Mincer

 

Attributes:

RH Lower middle order bat,  Tidy medium pace bowler 

 

HS:

39

BB:

4 - 31

Debut:

2006

 

 

 

Known as the Mincer due to his extended mincing run up whilst bowling, Parkinson the Northern hypochondriac is a living paradox. An outstanding gentlemanly exterior fights the yob within, or is it the other way around? As tour organiser in 2009 Steve excelled in his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour, combining playing the most sincere polite host to all opposition with hooligan heckling from the pavilion balcony berating our bowlers.

 

Despite relocating to shovel cow shit up north, Steve still manages to keep up with Club gossip over the internet, taking every opportunity to correct grammatical Latin errors, or incorrect references to French History. Appearances were rare in 2011, though predictably he surfaced on the Duke’s Lawn at Blenheim to register a duck. Wickets came in an Appleton T20, a mesmeric performance reminding the team of how they miss his bowling.

 

Steve likes beating muggers up and chasing them into the Thames.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

James Pearson

Nickname:

Fattori,  JP

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order bat,  Handy medium pace bowler 

 

HS:

71*

BB:

5 - 20

Debut:

2010

 

 

 

James brought a talented and youthful swagger to the side back in 2010 – though already he’s moaning about his fitness and advancing years. Lackadaisical in his approach to most things, his calm and self-depreciating humour brought another dimension to the club’s similarly downbeat world-weary ranks.

 

A clever seam bowler, James’ consistency with the ball is only matched by his undoubted skills in the aforementioned moaning. However 2011 proved James had another string to his bow – or rather his bat. Promoted up the order, he notched 4 stylish and patient fifties that went a considerable way in justifying his skipper’s genius in Brearleyesque man-management. Will 2012 be the year that Fats kicks on? Stay tuned, folks….

 

James moans about his remote control having too many buttons.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Mike Reeves

Nickname:

Cloughie

 

Attributes:

LH Top order bat,  Left-arm military medium pace bowler 

 

HS:

85

BB:

5 - 29

Debut:

2006

 

 

 

Mike is the self-styled victim of the team. His once affable nature has been replaced by an air of sarcastic brooding and malevolence. Some say this change of character came about due to his house flooding for the umpteenth time, others have muted it the result of constant ridiculing of his planet-sized head. But the opinion of those who actually listen, will tell you Mike joined the dark side after being cruelly and constantly overlooked whenever it comes to the end of season AGM voting.

 

2011 was an annus horribilis for Mike. After infamously exclaiming at an early season game, that an innings of 29 had “cemented (his) position at number three”, he subsequently plumbed the depths as a crisis of confidence threatened to call an abrupt end to his Sunday misery. He showed his character by sticking it out, and was mobbed by sympathetic team mates as he claimed a 5-for in the season finale.

 

Newcastle FC’s trophy cabinet has more silverware than Mike’s.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Chris Roberts

Nickname:

Tall Bob

 

Attributes:

RH Lower order tonker,  Right-arm bouncy trundler 

 

HS:

12

BB:

3 - 31

Debut:

2010

 

 

 

Chris was poached by the Mad after he impressed at some pre-season nets by casting a longer shadow than anybody else. Tall and languid, Bob spends the majority of his time with his head in the clouds (sic). A quiet and approachable fellow, he refuses to coaxed into toughening up his demeanour and becoming the angry fast bowler the team so want.

 

Tall Bob was a familiar face in 2011, pounding in over after over, match after match, and all the time with a smile on his face. Despite numerous team disasters, collapses, bowling horror shows, fielding sitcoms, arguments and bitching, our Bob just continued to play with a smile on his face. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, BOB – PLEASE GET ANGRY SOON?!? Reduce those opposition batsmen to quivering wrecks, huh? Purlllllllllllllllllllllease….

 

Bob is a sparky who does not need step ladders to fit ceiling lights.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Mark Rundle

Nicknames:

Psycho

 

Attributes:

RH Lower middle order tonker,  Military medium pace

 

HS:

2

BB:

0 - 22

Debut:

2011

 

 

 

The 278th player stolen from the OU Offices, Mark brought an intimidating nickname to the team. Conversely, he seems at peace with the world, unexpectedly mild-mannered as he basks in an aura of calm and quiet understanding – unless he sticks a fork in your eye during a tea-interval altercation.

 

Mark has an ability to give the ball a right good shoeing; in fact, he has the ability to give quite a few things a good shoeing. It’s too early in his Mad career to ascertain his impact, but once the team have had another good pub brawl, we’ll be in a better position to calculate a score.

 

Mark has some really funny jokes about gang-rape.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Dave Shorten

Nickname:

Lego,  Hang Time

 

Attributes:

RH Lower middle order hitter,  Nippy medium pace swing bowler 

 

HS:

42

BB:

3 - 8

Debut:

2006

 

 

 

Dave is the only Mad member to own their own wood and holds the record for both the longest and shortest time taken to write a Match Report. Dave’s latest contributions to Mad history include a quite disasterous off season five-a-side football team, a winter fitness regime with the army, a successful climb of Mount Everest, and the launch of his own book “A Winner’s Guide to Poker”.

 

Dave does the “earthy” things in life, like eating real honey, holding wood clearing parties, eating fennel, and appearing on BBC reality TV programs to show how wholesome life is. Consistently upbeat, he brings an infectious enthusiasm to the team – as well as builder’s shoulders that can spank a ball into orbit! Lego hit more sixes than fours last year – surely that’s a record too?

 

Dave built his own house and is a TV star.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Thornton Smith

Nickname:

Flash,  Thorn

 

Attributes:

RH Middle order hitter,  Handy but erratic off-spin bowler 

 

HS:

65

BB:

3 - 12

Debut:

2001

 

 

 

Thorn epitomizes what this Club is all about. He is a loyal and trustworthy friend – a great man in a tight corner, and would do anything for you in times of need. At the same time he realises that is no reason to be spared from essential piss-taking at every opportunity. He is a man of many business enterprises specialising in all things wood, from fencing to cabinet making. Garden maintenance, interior decorating, tree surgery, shelving, door hanging – he’ll turn his hand to pretty much anything. Such is his diversity that he can’t decide what to get written on the side of his new van as his mainstay occupation.

 

Skippers have increasingly turned to Thorn as an opportunistic partnership breaker. He’s returned a surprisingly healthy strike-rate with the ball in recent times, as his batting has slid conversely. A recent 50 would suggest a revival, or maybe he was just on a better cocktail of drugs and alcohol?

 

Thorn likes telling a story and occasionally you haven’t heard them.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Gareth Timms

Nickname:

Noah

 

Attributes:

RH Lower middle order,  Tendulkar-esque leggies 

 

HS:

6

BB:

2 - 7

Debut:

2010

 

 

 

A relatively new face to the MAD cricketing calendar, Gary had added an impressive depth to the sarcastic element of the team. A casual and dreamy character belies a man of literary talent, impressive enough to be fast tracked into match reporting in only his second game.

 

Due to his relatively tender age (he’s not a doddery old cunt like most of us), Gary has been a breath of fresh air in the field – covering vast acres of ground with the encouragement of team mates, as they watch on with fags and beer. His beguiling leg-spin has held sway on occasions, which is just as well as his batting fucking sucks. Bagging a record 8 ducks in one season, Gary has now opened a mallard sanctuary at the team’s home ground.

 

Gary can pronounce words longer than four letters in length.

 

 

 

*

 

Name:

Martin Westmoreland

Nickname:

Moo

 

Attributes:

Top order bat,  Erratic medium pace bowler 

 

HS:

109*

BB:

4 - 22

Debut:

2003

 

 

 

The Queen had one in 1992 and Martin experienced his 2011. Annus horribilis – a Latin phrase to describe a year of horrors, or in cricketing parlance, a season of cricketing toss. Whilst struggling manfully with his own lack of confidence, poor Moo had to deal with a misfiring team completely shorn of form or fortune. It would have broken many a man, but he stuck it out – finally reaping reward by delivering a quickfire fifty in the final game of the season. A timely reminder to both himself and the team of his own ability.

 

An intelligent and forthright individual, Martin’s keen sense of wit helps soften his northern edges. For much of a decade he has been one of the lynchpins of the team – overseeing the club’s finances, wearing the Captain’s armband and throwing himself into whatever misdirected adventures the club should decree. For all his positive attributes and achievements, it is still a mystery why he is prone to so many bouts of the yips. You name ‘em, lad – he’s had ‘em.

 

Martin once scored runs on the offside.

 

 

 

 

 

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